It is currently snowing where I have relocated to. It was the first time I had to deal with snow, not as a pretty sight to behold, but as an inconvenience to my commute. After work, when I was walking back to my car, the co-worker who had parked next to me offered to let me use her snow-scraper, as she did not very much feel at ease with the possibility that I would have to use my hands in order to clear the snow off my car. I turned her down, telling her that I would use a spare umbrella in order to get the job done. She looked downtrodden, and from what I could glean of her perfunctory remarks one would say in response to an apology, a bit regretful that she had to deal with one as rude as myself.
For the rest of the car-ride home, I thought of nothing else but how I potentially ruined the rest of her night. I thought of what brought this sort of behavior about. I thought of how I might delay her trip home by taking too long to scrape the snow off my car, because it would have been my first time using a snow-scraper. I thought about how I could have broken it during my clumsy usage of the instrument. I thought of how I always have a problem accepting help from others, in addition to compliments and praise. I thought of how accepting help makes me feel like a failure and an inferior, no matter how much I need the help.
It's one of the many reasons in school why I had not thought so highly of myself. I thoroughly regret having come in for tutoring for so often; it is one of the reasons why I feel as though I do not deserve my degree. I tell myself at times that it is but a piece of paper that merely serves as an indicator that I have successfully undertaken the curriculum prescribed to students of my order. Yet, because of my tendency to seek help during my college days, now I feel as though I have not earned the degree, which ultimately served no use to me anyway.
In any case, as a result of my inability to handle my issues, I guilt myself for having offended one of my co-workers. I tend to show similar treatment to others, as I have explained before. I tend not to greet people who pass me by. I brush off compliments and praise; I worry about how that affects those who give them to me. I tend to avoid social contact; I worry about how that makes my co-workers feel. I tend to avert my eyes from others, and avoid social contact at all costs, even though ironically, I write constantly of my loneliness. It's just far too scary to emotionally avail myself to others. I worry at times if I am a pernicious addition to my team. I worry if my simply being there hinders morale. I worry if my manager regrets having welcomed me into her team. It's true that she was informed previously that I may have a form of autism. Even so, I worry that I am detrimental to everyone else's emotional health.
I feel like I worry overmuch. Yet, how can I stop, when my worries have ostensible bases in reality? Anyway, how was your day, board?
I must have these answers.
Number VI:
Larxene.
The Organization's Not-That-Geezer's-Heart-Tank.