Lurker > TheOnionKnight

Depending on what you're after, there are also other online options besides apps. Over the years I've had hookups from craigslist, doublelist, locanto, and even reddit! Plus some kink-oriented sites that I'm not sure I can post about. (Although craigslist isn't really functional anymore, and locanto has also gone downhill.) These are better for sex. Not so good for traditional dating, although there's still some of that too. But it's a whole different approach where you don't need to bother with profiles and swiping left/right and so forth.

I'd still say you need to be open-minded and have a positive attitude even if you're going for no-strings hookups. But it might be worth considering for people just trying to get any break into the dating world.

It really is a masterpiece. Nothing else quite like it, and it's so perfect as both a cartoon and a legit noir movie.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

I think the amount of success you have on OLD is pretty close to the success you will have in real life.

Is OLD an acronym for online dating? I'm not sure I've seen people use this before. But it's definitely not true. There are different demographics in different places.

That said, I disagree with all the hate that dating apps/sites are getting in this thread. I've had success with them because they provide an explicit context to get the ball rolling, even if they are often a headache.

That said, I also think discussing the merits and/or faults of apps versus in-person meeting is missing the point, like discussing the logistics of planning a trip. There are deeper issues at work that need to be resolved for lots of people in this thread before anything else happens, and then other stuff will start to happen like a domino effect.

KogaSteelfang posted...

While men have to not only be handsome, rich, successful, easy to talk to, funny, outgoing, charming, protective, strong, but also have to deal with that still not being good enough just because. Then you have average looking guys and ones less financially secure, or guys who've been hurt in the past so it's difficult for them open up... But those hoops are still there, and they're still expected to jump even if it's still guaranteed they'll be passed over.

This is the negative thinking I'm talking about. It's not "guaranteed" that average men will be passed over, and you don't have to be handsome, rich, successful, etc. But the more you repeat this, the more you'll entrench it. I repeated similar things to myself for a long time before I broke the loop.

Cleo_II posted...

Sounds like its precisely because of the bubble as well as inexperience that people have an unrealistic perception of what independence looks like in a committed relationship.

Of course! It's self-perpetuating. But that's also one reason why, from the outside, people often just don't get what's going on. Before you even start thinking about dating strategies or how to use apps or meet people in person, etc, you have to deconstruct the mental bubble you've built for yourself. And you'll probably have to do it from inside the bubble, with your own two hands, since you've put those barriers in place that block other people.

This is why I keep yammering on about psychedelics. That's what personally worked for me. And in retrospect, it was practically a cheat code. But one way or another, you'll almost certainly have to change your own attitude before you do anything else. And that can be very hard if you've entrenched your attitude with negative thinking for years.

In the case of needing alone-time, I wouldn't even call it negative thinking. It's just a matter of becoming comfortable with your own status quo. I was in the very same place. It's something I'm still working on, but I'm much better now than I was earlier in my life.

Cleo_II posted...

Yeah I dont get all of these posts about wanting to take trips whenever. Like are they going on trips every day? Its not much different to plan a trip with a spouse. Ive been going where I want and doing what I want. I go out with friends and my husband has never been bothered by it or asked me when Im coming home. I dont generally go out late (by choice) but when I do he just asks me if I had a good time.

You probably wouldn't get it if you haven't cultivated a very private and personal bubble for years. The logistics of planning a trip are beside the point. It's more about the mentality behind how you interpret your own independence, and what it would mean to involve other people in your life.

I refuse to date or even hook up with conservatives.

Sayoria posted...

To be with someone, you limit so much of life. If I was with someone, I wouldn't be able to take the trips I have and plan them the way I do. I wouldn't have as much me-time and I like it a lot.

This is still kinda how I feel. I definitely need me-time, where I can get away from people and just do my own thing. And I got very comfortable in that zone in my early 20s. But that's one of those things I started to unpack, and realized that some of it was a sort of self-imposed barrier. I also had and still have trust issues, which contributed too.

But it doesn't have to be a trade-off. You can find partners who respect your need for privacy and also need me-time themselves. And then you can get those cuddles when you want them, and still have time alone when you want that too. I usually see my current girlfriend a few days each week, but in between I've got everything to myself!

KogaSteelfang posted...

Sorry, not interested in that.

Understandable, but I had to try! If you ever change your mind any time in the future and want to PM me about it, feel free. Even months/years from now or whenever. And if not, I still hope things improve. I don't post a ton on CE compared to other people, but you seem pretty cool from what I've seen around here.

DuranOfForcena posted...

a long time ago, doing psychedelics helped me get over my fear of the dark, but tbh i don't see what it would do for someone who has trouble connecting with people and forming romantic relationships

They did just that for me! I had a very negative self-image and lots of emotional issues bottled up, which created a distorted perception of my place in the world. I had unhealthy ideas about what I "didn't deserve" in terms of connections with other people. Psychedelics helped me work through these issues and drastically improved my life. I'm not suggesting them as party drugs or anything like that, but as serious self-reflective therapy. And romance-wise, I also have a ton more sex nowadays than I ever did before.

KogaSteelfang posted...

A lifetime of failure says otherwise. Judging by the posts here, it's multiple lifetimes.

I know I'm just a broken record at this point, but have you ever tried psychedelics? If we were actually talking in person, I'd seriously offer to trip-sit for you. I cannot overstate what a difference it made for my self-esteem and my social life.

I agree. I doubt the airlines would ever pay people to sit there, but at the very least they shouldn't be charging extra. It's pretty scummy to treat the emergency row as a "luxury" to milk customers for more money. And from another angle, it's also scummy to make people pay more to be closer to the exit. Like yeah, we'll give you a safer seat -- if you're rich enough to afford it.

Maybe if you're allowed to vomit it back up immediately afterward.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

this just sounds like you are generally a virtuous person >_>

I don't know about virtuous. Guess it depends on the standards being used. But I do try to put out positive energy. You want partners to have a good time when you're around!

Sackgurl posted...

usually though it is tied to status/accomplishments

Not in my experience. I'm a fairly poor dude without a very high social status, but I've still been able to get a steady stream of fuck buddies over the years. And my girlfriend doesn't mind that I'm not pulling in tons of cash right now either, because we have fun together! That's really the main thing.

Spanish was the hardest for me. Only time I ever got a B in any college course. But my least favorite was probably Greek Mythology, which should have been interesting but was, in practice, totally bone-dry because the professor was so damn boring.

reb0rn posted...

Having a girlfriend shouldn't be the be-all end-all to your sense of self-worth and purpose in life.

Yeah, the whole line of thinking is almost in reverse order. The self-worth should come before the girlfriend. Because that's what will attract a potential girlfriend. And "self-worth" can come from simply having a positive attitude. It doesn't need to be attached to money, status, career accomplishments, or anything like that. If you're fun to be around, then people will like being around you.

Heartomaton posted...

Okay, you and no one else hear knows precisely how I behave in-person, but I don't exactly go around broadcasting a dislike of men. I do know how to keep in check, ya know.

Of course I don't know precisely how you behave in person. I only know what you're writing in this thread. But even the phrasing of "keeping it in check" is dubious. If you're harboring so much negativity, whether publicly or privately, it starts to shape your character and other people definitely pick up on it. And it does sound like you have a pretty negative outlook. (And that's setting aside the issue of how "men" is a super broad category, since there are countless different types of men with different personalities, and there's no reason to hate any gender or sex as a group.) This type of thinking tends to feed upon and reinforce itself. You can end up digging yourself into a hole without even realizing until you're way down there.

Obviously if you think this way now, you can't just flip a switch to think differently. And you probably have all sorts of life experience that led you to feel this way. And I'm just a random nobody on the internet, so it's not like my words are going to weigh that much for you. All I can say is that it sounds like an issue with deeper roots, that's probably connected to other things and has wider consequences than you might notice. So I'd really try to keep a more open mind.

Heartomaton posted...

I don't know what cycle you could mean here, but if it's pushing the guys away, awesome.

It's probably pushing everyone away. In a dating context, if you're trying to attract a woman, what woman is going to want to hang out with a man who loathes half the population of the planet? That's so much negativity. You don't want to bring a dark cloud into a relationship, and this sounds like a very dark cloud.

Heartomaton posted...

Loathe was a dramatic exaggeration, I just don't want anything to do with them, ever.

I mean, that's not much better. Not wanting anything to do with half the world! That's almost certainly creating a self-perpetuating cycle, which is pushing other people away from you.

Heartomaton posted...

There's also the part where I loathe guys, and refuse to associate with them anywhere in-person.

Loathe guys as in loathe other men? That doesn't sound very good. Loathing is an extremely strong negative emotion, and to feel that for a group as large as "men in general" almost certainly has ripple effects that spread into other areas of life. Including dating, but not just dating. If you're putting out bad vibes, you'll end up driving people away and it'll turn into a self-perpetuating cycle. =/

FaytlessHearts posted...

I've tried them before. I'll tell you right here and now if I go on a trip, that will likely be the last time I'm breathing though.

Well at least you've tried some. They're not a silver bullet and don't work for everyone, but they certainly made a world of difference for me. Re-contextualized a lot of things and helped me understand myself better. Different psychedelics also have different applications. Ketamine in particular is extremely effective at curbing suicidal thoughts, and that one also has the benefit of being legal in the US, with many clinics devoted to it.

I always mention psychedelics in threads like these, and people always seem to just glide right over it. But people talking about exit strategies at 35 or 40? If you haven't tried psychedelics, seriously consider it before doing anything so extreme.

He's clearly doing it to get a rise out of them, and is not acting in good faith. They shouldn't have taken the bait and started insulting him, since they're just feeding a troll in real life, and it only makes them look worse and doesn't help their cause. But the guy's certainly no hero.

I'm mid 30s and not currently single. But I've been single for most of my life, with just an endless string of fuck buddies. Only had a handful of more serious relationships.

I think a lot of it's related to self-esteem. The older I get, the more I get to know myself, and the more confident I become. I used to feel like I didn't "deserve" a "real" relationship. Hence all the casual sex. But now I'm finally unpacking lots of commitment issues and emotional trauma from the past, and I'm more open to something potentially significant. Although it still seems weird for me to imagine "settling down" since I've cultivated such a slutty approach to dating.

So I can somewhat relate to the more pessimistic posts in this thread. But I do think it's never too late. Psychedelics helped me a lot personally. My whole life improved once I got into those. Better self-image, better social life, better understanding of the world, etc.

I can't believe this is real life. This feels like satire.

I read a ton of Goosebumps but didn't watch any of the adaptations. So I can't really compare them. But the Goosebumps books were more formative for me than Are You Afraid of the Dark, even though I liked both. Are You Afraid of the Dark was much more frightening though.

I'm a fan of Disney animation myself, but full-blown "Disney culture" is off-putting. I had a FWB years ago who was into it and would wear Minnie Mouse merchandise, including lots of Minnie Mouse jewelry. And I had another FWB who wasn't as big on the merchandise, but who followed a bunch of Disney trends on social media. I first learned about "Disney bounding" from her. It's hard to describe, but I almost got a bit of a creepy feeling from both of these women when they started to talk about this Disney stuff.

I also have a stepsister who's very into Disney, and is definitely socially stunted. She has lots of issues. So I guess I have come to view this type of Disney fandom in a negative light. It's not quite a red flag, but it's weird.

Luckily my current girlfriend is just as disinterested in constant calls/texts as I am. We communicate by phone so we can plan to meet up in person, and that's basically it. Which is great.

I liked it better than the comic. Liked the first half of the season more than the second half though. Still wouldn't call it a masterpiece or anything, but it was enjoyable to watch.

bsp77 posted...

The 10+ people can't answer

I just put 9 since it's the highest.

All these "None" answers are kinda worrying though. It puts things into perspective on this board. =/

IShall_Run_Amok posted...

They're usually on the far right and take offense to politics that aren't their own. The anti-politics facade is merely a mask which allows them to subvert and conquer online discourse.

Yeah this is often what's happening. Except I wouldn't say it's just online. Happens a lot in person too. Like the stereotype of everyone gathered at Thanksgiving dinner, and the conservative relatives say something nasty, but then they "don't want to talk about politics."

Yes.

He was already the biggest traitor in American history before this.

We wouldn't get as far as a 5th date because being an anti-vaxxer is one of those dealbreakers that I bring up immediately.

kirbymuncher posted...

I suspect not many of them will be physically nearby enough to help you move though

No, but if they were physically nearby, they definitely would. Especially some of my coworkers who I've known for years and years, and talk to all the time. I know some of them better than many of my in-person friends.

lennethsoki posted...

Discounting online friends because those aren't actual friends for anyone...

Online friends can definitely be real friends!

But I didn't think to count them before. >_>

So yeah there is a difference.

If I was counting online friends plus in-person friends, I've probably got closer to 35 or 40. And the "not-quite-friends-but-still-acquaintances" number would also increase.

I've owned an apartment since my late 20s, but I'm one of those lucky millennials who could afford it due to an inheritance from a dead parent. I'd still be renting otherwise.

Not always the case, but quite often true. Although as others have said, it can mean also mean "I don't like women" or "I don't like diversity" or etc along those lines. But if someone is complaining vaguely about "politics" or "political correctness" in games, it's usually a red flag.

A lot more than 9. Probably something like 20 or 25, with plenty of people in the not-quite-friends-but-still-acquaintances zone.

I'd try it for sure. Hamburgers are one of the few things I miss since becoming a vegetarian.

Probably depends. Both have appeal for different reasons. I've done MMF but MFF is still on the wish list.

To build up a library of cute meta-references that help distinguish the franchise from other franchises.

I'd say it depends. Like yeah you don't want to give off "I'm desperate and you're a fallback option" vibes. But if you were interested in each other and circumstances really did get in the way, then it might be worthwhile. I was messaging a girl once and our schedules kept conflicting so we never went out. Then I went on vacation and was distracted with other stuff for maybe two months. Messaged her again when I finally had free time, and we banged right away. Stayed as fuck buddies for another few months after that.

What happens if people donate thousands of posters? Hundreds of thousands? Will the whole building have to be plastered floor to ceiling because they all "must" be displayed? It's obviously a bullshit law intended to erode the church/state separation so I'm all for undermining it, but I don't even see how it's supposed to work.

It's a problem on NYC subways at the very least. Some guys spread their legs so ridiculously wide that they block the seats on either side.

CyricZ posted...

The whole journey was 11 months, one week, and six days

He also had it at home in the Shire. He was hanging around in its sphere of influence for a long time, even when he wasn't wearing it.

Sam carried it for what, a day? Less than a day? And Frodo carried it for months? Years? Sam pulled through in a tight spot, but I don't really think he'd do much better if he had to contend with it long-term.

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