Lurker > DarthDemented

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Might be hearing from the second assessor this week. The one who was gonna do it had to step aside due to some personal stuff going on, so maybe this new one will do it over video call and we don't have to do a trip up beyond the actual use of MAID

So you don't have anything definite yet? Damn, this has gotta be it's own ball of stress.

https://youtu.be/qMkQExuzL_0

Goodnight and joy be too you all

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm traveling out of town so I'm gonna be flying back rather than driving. I'm sure my older sister will pick me up from the airport when I return.

Well that's good. Mental and emotional state may not be in a great state.

You will be buddy. An absolute wreck. Take your time before driving home. Don't let anyone rush you through the grieving process or try to set you up with someone if you're not ready yet.

you are correct. My wife and I had the conversation about moving on several years before we even knew I'd be in this situation and she always insisted that I move on and find happiness with someone else and I have. As far as making things easier I don't know for sure. For me it was hard. Really hard. The terror of that night comes rushing back every time I have to recount that night.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I have been working with my psychologist about the whole like... who am I outside of being a caregiver to my wife. Like, realistically, I have lived and worked pretty much exclusively to take care of her for the past 6-7 years. Beyond being a widow after my wife passes... like, who am I? I know I am good at my job, I know I am a good friend, a good member of my family. But who am I outside of that? I'm not co-dependent or anything like that, but I've definitely become the caregiver to my wife more than anything else.

It scares me that people who know me as a pair will only really know me moving forward as a widow, as half of a whole.

I actually avoided family functions for awhile after my wife passed. I have those well meaning, yet insensitive, family members who'd want to talk about it or bring it up constantly like it's my whole identity at the time. They seem to get it because after awhile when I did start going again no one ever brought it up. Finding an identity can be hard. I get what you mean though. Your job can't define you, being a good friend or family member can't define you. What does define you? I'm still trying to find out what defines me while still going on with life since I do have to be dad and provider for my kid. That's the shitty part isn't it? The fact the world goes on while you still feel lost.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

My friend, I definitely appreciate it. I might take you up on that offer.

Did you feel... ready for it? Like, I feel like I'm ready for it. I'm at peace with it and in many ways looking forward to being able to enter the next phase of my life. I'm not "happy", but more like I am ready to no longer be a care giver to a horribly sick wife.

My situation was different. It was thrust on me. I didn't have the prep time you've had. Yes my wife was in a shitty situation where privately I thought death was better for her than laying in that bed 24/7. When I was presented with it so suddenly it crushed me. You know how you see in Hollywood where the characters drop to the floor crying or wailing and you think "now that's a bit much isn't it?" Well it happened after she left with the funeral home director. I understand your desire to be out of the caretaker role and back to your old life but once it's gone you don't know what to do with yourself. I should've really started plowing through my video game back log but I just watched TV and ready to get up to help her knowing it was never coming. Getting out of that head space is harder than you think. You'll probably stop sleeping in your bedroom. I let my son have my wife's bedroom, the master bedroom btw, because that's where it all happened and I just couldn't be in there. I hope I answered your questions. I did kinda wall of text here. I hope you two make your remaining time the best ever and she goes out happy and feeling completely and truly loved. Btw how did that tattoo design come out? I kinda lost track of that one.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Thanks for the well wishes!

We are into our last month together should everything work out how we want it to go.

Hey buddy I've been down the widow road. If you need someone to talk to I can DM my number, my kik, my snap, or discord. It's gonna be rough buddy. I've considered you a friend since our days on LUE and it helps to sometimes have a friendly stranger to be sounding board. Especially someone who's been through it.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Sheesh, went to my hometown for my dad's retirement party and blew two tires on the highway. Ugh

That's how most horror movies start. JAKAS didn't make it.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I am feeling a bit better now. Think I just needed to feel those feelings and be in that moment.

I am scared and that is OK. I am anxious and that is OK.

Didn't sleep much last night which is compounding stuff of course, but I'm getting through it.

Yeah, lack of sleep doesn't help. Sometimes you just need to get it out.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The 90 days is from first applying... so that was technically over 90 days ago? Lol

Ah, ok. Gotcha. Figured I misunderstanding something in there. Surely she has no plans to just jump right into it as soon as y'all get the acceptance.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've pretty much just broken down on my drive to work. A lot of tears and fear. How are you supposed to know how to do all this? I try to be as logical as I can be about it all but like... if they say yes tomorrow by like Friday I can be living my life without her.

I'm not saying life isn't worth it or anything like that. I have a wonderful job, friends, family. I have it all. I WILL be OK I just don't know how to do this.

I'm scared.

Didn't your first post say there's a 90 day waiting period after acceptance? I understand your fear though. Anxiety about these things are a bitch aren't they? It's been almost two years since losing my wife but that depression and anxiety about her not being here still pops up every now and then.

Back purge monster!

Happy new year to you too my friend!

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Still in hospital. Apparently you tell the emergency doctor that you have applied for MAID you suddenly get tests done faster? Gonna get a barium swallow to test that out and some neurological tests.

I went to my first solo therapy session with out psychologist. It was very good and will allow me to work on some of the mental health stuff I've encountered with my wife being in the state she is in.

Maybe you get the tests done faster because they assume she tried to take matters into her own hands? That's the only thing I can think of.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

My wife was admitted to hospital this morning. Lots of vomiting and just not a lot of control of her throat and such. Gonna be staying overnight. It causes a lot of anxiety and stress as it is a very traumatic place for her (as you would expect).

Aw jeez dude. Keep us updated.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

No problem!

I go for my first solo session with our psychiatrist next week. I am such a huge proponent of seeing mental health professionals but I've never taken the opportunity to do so until my 38th year on this Earth.

So do YOU gotta see a psychiatrist as part of it or is this something separate?

The world cup

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Had an 11 hour workday today that included 7 hours of driving around, 5 of those when it was pitch dark outside on the highway.

JAKAS is tired.

Geez I can't even drive an hour straight before my back starts excruciatingly hurting.

Away hungry purge monster

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

My brother is battling stage 4 cancer. Has been for the past 3-4 years now. His body responds well to treatment but I mean, you can't do it forever.

He has paid off the house and now has gone on permanent disability from work. He did a lot of great work so he has good benefits.

I lost my dad and an aunt to cancer. Colon and brain respectively.

Tyranthraxus posted...

My uncle got so weak from cancer that they canceled his last scheduled chemotherapy because they said there was a pretty good chance the chemotherapy would kill him before the cancer. They gave him some extreme pain meds and sent him home. It was sad but he at least got to die at home with his family.

The night he died, he was sitting up in bed and asked my aunt to slap him across the face if it looked like he was falling asleep because he was sure if he went to sleep he wouldn't wake up.

I don't know how he knew that but sure he enough he eventually went to sleep and didn't wake up.

Edit: also to anyone currently suffering cancer.

Back purge monster!

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

We have been together for nearly 12 years now. When we first got together she had some of the medical problems she has now, but over the years everything has deteriorated.

If you would have told me exactly how this plays out I still would choose to spend these last twelve years with my wife.

Honestly I would make the same decision with my wife.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Seems my wife has done the preliminary designs for a tattoo.

Do we get to see the final or is it one of those things you won't know til it's time to get it?

Honestly if my wife could've talked to me after she passed she probably would've said the same thing and laughed about it. Then go tell her sister about our running joke of dick-in-a-box. Like a jack-in-the-box but a dick.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Do you see yourself being with someone else as a life partner? I kinda feel some shame in the fact that I assume I will have another partner. I mean, I have loved before my wife, I assume I will after.

I'm currently dating someone. It's what my wife wanted. We had this conversation way back when we had no idea she'd be gone so suddenly. She didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. She wanted me to find happiness after she was gone. Just because you move on with someone else doesn't mean you're leaving her behind. Especially if you find one who understand the situation like my girl does. Of course she was one of my wife's home care aides and friends so that might have something to do with it.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

That's intriguing to hear for sure. I mean I suppose people don't want to be awkward or rude/insensitive so that makes sense.

How long has it been since your partner passed Darth?

March 15 of last year. Still dream about her every now and then

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I can post more about some things for sure.

It is nice to be able to unload about some stuff for sure. Again I have weird thoughts about weird shit. Like, I am worried I will be labeled as the "Widow" after my wife passes away.

That isn't wrong and I don't want my coworkers and friends to feel awkward about talking about it... but I don't wanna be the dude whose wife died. It makes me feel very petty at times having thoughts like that. I know I am very justified in thinking about my future. I can't NOT think about my life after. And that's OK. But I don't always give myself a break about that.

The "widowed" part doesn't come up as often as you think. Of course it took til a few weeks ago for me to finally change my FB relationship status to widowed. For that first week or two you'll want to hit that booze. I know I did. Luckily I had st Patrick's day as an excuse lol.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Nope.

I didn't either. It really wasn't that big of a deal honestly. Just felt like I was being scratched hard enough to feel it but not hard enough to be unbearable. Of course we all have our own pain tolerance and it can depend on where you get it.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Dang, dude, you got me tearing up over here. I vaguely recall you mentioning your wife a while back, so I had that as your tag since then. My condolences again, she was gone too soon.

Definitely. And seeing my post now it seems autocorrect accidentally'd a word there. Wtf is a melt tattoo autocorrect!?

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Oh I know. It hasn't even happened yet and I cry randomly at times. It is going to be the hardest thing I ever do. Thank you so much for being willing to share your experience with me.

No one should be widowed young, you know? It's like we're suppose to grow old with them til we're too senile and riddled with dementia to even realize what's happening. Definitely brave the tattoo needle, especially if it's something she's designing. I got a melt tattoo for my wife earlier this year with no regrets. Best decision ever.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/8/7/5/AAAxZJAADx6b.jpg

JAKAS buddy...you may think you're prepared and you'll be fine but...when that lady that you've been with for so long and had in your life for so long and gone through so much with. It sucks. You can't be prepared for that sudden emptiness in your life. I'm still not fully adjusted to life without my wife. I'm behind you all the way bud. If/when the time comes don't be afraid to shoot me a message.

DBZ: Kakarot. Been playing the dlcs

Just fart back as loudly and powerfully.

No. Thought the whole thing was stupid. But we at least got a disaster movie out of it. Still watch it every now and then.

CommonStar posted...

Logan was set in the future, but wasn't there a statue or action figure of Logan's death in one of the Deadpool films?

That was the joke. You know... Deadpool movie and all?

What if... Deadpool's only power was wicked farts from eating chimichangas?

ChocoboMog123 posted...

Do mobile/web games count as lost media?
There's a handful of Facebook games including a cute chocobo game I miss.
The KH mobile game shut down, but is fairly well documented. Same for Mobius FF. FFRK is on its way out globally :(

I think almost all of those are preserved.

If we're talking Facebook games then avengers alliance is right up there for me.

SiO4 posted...

Well, at least they are all Christian. >_>

I see what you did there

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/7/0/6/AAAxZJAADtei.jpg

https://youtu.be/ot6CFdspro8

The game wasn't great but killer opening with static x

https://www.ky3.com/2022/09/24/2-dead-officer-involved-shooting-christian-county/

Even though it happened so early this morning the bridge by my house was still roped off at least a couple hours ago. Haven't checked since then.

Why have you been lubing your computer?

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've been a front line worker as a youth support worker since it all began so I'm honestly shocked I avoided it this long.

Not much going on so far beyond feeling like I have a chest cold with a sore throat.

I've been working grocery as a meat cutter since it all began. Took my kid bringing it home from school for me to get it.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Pickle MALAAAAAAARD! Ftfy

Kyle katarn when? Seriously when I saw the rogue one trailers I thought Cassian was Kyle considering the plot of the movie.

Fucking COVID. It sucks doesn't it?