Lurker > HaVeNII7

I normally have a build preplanned so its just routine usually. I know what Im gonna be leveling, and get it over with in 2 seconds of leveling.
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

Casca tho
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

MonkeySee posted...

Okay. She picks me up at my house because I don't have a car. She's chatty and friendly, but I'm subdued and paranoid, wondering if she's judging me for not having a car. A few attempts at conversation stall out because of my inability to sustain them, and we drive to a restaurant in mostly silence. While I wonder whether she's comfortable with the silence or thinking, "what went wrong in my life that I'm right here right now?"

We get to the restaurant, where I pretend to be deeply engaged in studying the endlessly fascinating menu to avoid having to talk to her. Then the jerk waitress finally takes away my excuse with our order, and I desperately try to engage with her on some kind of level. I "open up" to the best of my ability and we discuss a couple boring pointless surface-level things where she still ends up carrying the conversation. I start to feel all hot and prickly and start sweating because I'm deeply ashamed that I'm wasting her time and making this such an unsatisfying night. She's a pro and stays friendly and upbeat, but at this point I'm convinced she hates my guts and thinks I'm a piece of trash. Our food finally arrives after an eternity of torture, and I engross myself in that as my next excuse. I'm stealing looks around me at other obvious couples in there who look so comfortable with each other. They're so absorbed in each other they're not even paying any attention to their surroundings, and I wonder what it is that's broken in me that makes that impossible.

By this point, I've pretty much fully divested myself of any attachment to the girl I'm supposed to be dating. I just want her to go away and stop witnessing my shame. The mask of politeness I keep up to conceal my lack of a personality keeps me from being overtly hostile or confrontational, but my brief replies become even more curt as I retreat further into my shell and pretend she's just part of the restaurant decor. We get the check the waitress puts in front of me in what I interpret as a mocking jab at my nonexistent masculinity, and I break my silence to offer to pay it. She insists on taking half, and we leave after successfully negotiating this tricky social situation. I gallantly go first and hold open the door for her. I don't know why. I feel like an idiot.

On the ride home, I start to feel the recriminations. She's been perfectly friendly and charming. I try really hard not to be a mean person, so why is it that I push someone away like this. Have I offended her? I didn't really mean to. I feel like I need to explain this, and explain why I was so awful and that it's not her fault and that I really ought to have enjoyed her company. But how do you put this into words? I just continue to sit there mute while she sits a million miles away right next to me. She's not attempting to talk to me any more. Why? What's she thinking? She must be thinking about what a miserable idea this was. Of course she is. She's right to think so. What a failure. She drops me off at my house, and I can't even bear to look at her as I leave, just mumbling a goodbye and making good my escape.

At home, the recriminations come full force. All the things I could have said, the things I wanted to say, couldn't find the words for. She's really a pretty interesting person. Maybe if I had actually been able to force myself to try, there could have been something there. Maybe she could have been someone deeply important to me, someone unlike anyone I've ever had. Or maybe not. No way to know, since I've ripped apart any chance of finding out by drowning in my own insecurities. I make a vow I know I won't keep that next time will be different. Next time I'll be different. It rings hollow in my own head, so I try to distract myself by playing video games and shitposting on gamefaqs.gamespot.com.

Yikes.
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

I refuse to buy most games with micro transactions. Odds are if its in your game Ill wait until its $20, and usually by then Im not even interested anymore.
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

Scotty_Rogers posted...

@Going_Deep_08
@SSJ2GrimReaper

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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

Topic. Very importante.
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7

EVERY DAY IS GREAT

AT

YOUR

JUNE

ES

(caps)
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PSN/Steam: HaVeNII7