LogFAQs > #966275001

I went into emotional fucking mess mode tonight.

After being furious about the shit that happened a week ago and being completely unwanting to be around other people...

There was something scheduled for the 29th. I wasn't up for it. Several cousins (and a few of their kids) plus my parents were in and I told them earlier in the day that I was not up for it. My aunt (mother of 2 of said cousins also was not up for it. She has battled depression and other conditions for some time and is very difficult to motivate out of her house. When I said I was not up for it, my mother called me and we talked about it, including my aunt's condition, and it hurt because I often feel the exact same way as my aunt does and my mother is always "I don't get it" and I'm always "I know" but I do get it. I get it more than anyone else.

It took me a few drinks and a few smokes to chill the fuck out enough to show up and feel comfortable. My aunt did not make it. Everyone was glad to see me. I just tried to not be too fucking silly. My parents throwing around Trailer Park Boys references and my former boss (Cousin in law) going hard with Skyrim references made that easy as fuck. Food was awesome too.

but what was lost is that one cousin, the one I haven't always gotten along with (was rough when we had to work together) is getting married in a few months. We were buddies when we were kids. Our fathers are both fucking problematic abusive assholes (not related. He is his father's biological son but I am not biologically related to either of them but my father is no better. In a way that makes it more complicated).

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just think I said more than I meant to... but also said exactly as much as I meant to. Fuck me, man.