Current Events > My wife is applying for MAID (Medical assistance in death).

(+) Yeah! (+)

To make a long story very short, my wife has a multitude of complex medical problems which has no real treatment. Chief among these is Ehlors Danlos which causes her body to rip and tear very easily (her body does not produce and use collagen correctly) and something called MCAS, which makes her VERY allergic to a whole range of different items. From allergies to many food items to medicines to daily products like soaps and fragrances.

On top of this now it seems that she has some sort of immunosuppression disease which leads her to being consistently battling infections and other illnesses. Ehlors Danlos typically ends up killing someone by one of their major organs ripping. She's already had a lot of heart problems which has led to her having a pacemaker in her mid 20's, for example. She has no real pain management available and as such she is consistently in pain and discomfort without a plan to alleviate such things.

Rather than wait for further deterioration, my wife is applying for Medical Assistance in Death. Multiple doctors have to look into her medical history and agree that there is no opportunity for things to improve in a significant way, and then you wait at least 90 days after that. You can change your mind at any point and you can choose to it at any time after those 90 days if you are accepted.

I am this odd mixture of devastated but also happy my wife will not need to live in constant pain? I'm not sure how you even START doing all this as the one who will be left. I have a wonderful family and support structure around me. I WILL be fine... but I'm not always fine right now even though it isn't an assured thing yet.

Why make the topic? I dunno, help me work out my own shit about it? Maybe talk with some people who have gone through similar shit? I dunno.

May you and her find peace in this process.

Sorry to hear, and yeah it's a weird spot at the same time. Like, it seems good she's kinda going about this on her own terms?

Holy shit.

Sorry if this comes across as crass, but is maid basically assisted suicide?

welp, now I'm crying.

Does she have any family?

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Sorry if this comes across as crass, but is maid basically assisted suicide?

More or less, yes.

Shit, man. I am so sorry. You seem like a fantastic person and I hope things hold out for awhile. You seem in a good place considering.

I'm so sorry.

NeoShadowhen posted...

Does she have any family?

She is estranged from her family. She has requested they are not told of her passing and not be involved in any sort of service if I do one.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

More or less, yes.

Damn, well at least if she gets accepted you both know that she will go out on her own terms and you can plan around it accordingly. You'll be able to grieve together something most people will never get the chance to do with a loved one.

Wow I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't know if I could handle that weight.

Its weird as assumed this wasnt a thing in the US. I dunno what to say man. Nothing I can really. Seen a close family member go through cancer and pass recently and can understand the conflicted feelings of obviously loving them and not wanting to lose them but also that its no life and you hope they find peace. Sometimes life is just shit but you seem to have a good head in your shoulders and you will find strength you didnt even know existed during this horrible time.

Only thing I can say is its ok to be strong. But its also ok to not be.

It sucks man and i dont think anyone on CE can really understand the situation you're in.

I watched my dad try to kill himself after his stroke. My therapist had to essentially tell me that my feelings were valid. Even if what they were going through is bad and horrific what you feel still matters.

I would just say be there for your wife through it all but dont ignore how you feel.

Sorry to hear this, TC. Hope you are both able to find peace.

I can't begin to comprehend this with any empathy, or it might hit too hard. I wish you both the best, whatever that may be.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

She is estranged from her family. She has requested they are not told of her passing and not be involved in any sort of service if I do one.

Wow. Well, I havent been through exactly this, but I have been through a few things that rhyme. The most important thing you can do is be supportive of her. But Im sure you know that. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry to hear what your wife and you are going through. Bloody hell.

It's okay to not always feel fine and okay. Losing a partner like this is always going to be a a big, sudden and heartbreaking shift for your entire life even if logically you know you will be okay in the long run.

Good God, may you persevere.

Never let anyone tell you or your wife that you made the wrong decision. No matter what.

... Damn that's gotta be terrible on both of you, hope you both are able to find peace

I'm so sorry to hear this. At least she'll be able to go out on her own terms.

Shit dude, I'm sorry you have to go through that.

This is heart breaking. You're an awesome community member and I wish you and your wife didn't have to go through this. I hope for the best outcome in everything.

We're here for you big dawg.

Fuck man, this topic is loaded and i'm just a spectator, I can't even imagine how it feels to go through this. I have nothing of real substance to say, but that I feel very bad for you and I hope both you and your wife find some peace at the end of all this.

Sorry for you and your family.

I4NRulez posted...

It sucks man and i dont think anyone on CE can really understand the situation you're in.

I watched my dad try to kill himself after his stroke. My therapist had to essentially tell me that my feelings were valid. Even if what they were going through is bad and horrific what you feel still matters.

I would just say be there for your wife through it all but dont ignore how you feel.

I believe DarthDemented also lost his wife and I recall being in a couple of other topics like this before too. It seems it's becoming a more common thing as this place ages. It's still incredibly unfortunate and way too young of course. The best we can do is to have something to remember them by to honor their memory.

Thank you for all the kind words everyone.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to mourn right now. To just kinda live life as if this isn't happening and fill what remains of our life together as if nothing is different. My wife doesn't want us to spend a bunch of money on some sort of last hurrah or anything of that nature. Live life like nothing is changing until it changes forever I guess?

PBusted posted...

I believe DarthDemented also lost his wife and I recall being in a couple of other topics like this before too. It seems it's becoming a more common thing as this place ages. It's still incredibly unfortunate and way too young of course. The best we can do is to have something to remember them by to honor their memory.

i mean i'm not saying that because he may lose his wife. Its the exact situation his wife is in. Idk how many other people may lose their spouse to MAID.

Goddamn, that is rough. I can only imagine how much pain and misery she has had to endure to come to that crossroads. I can only say, if you're like me and you box in your emotions, please allow yourself time to cry, mourn, whatever you need to do, even if it's by yourself and only for a couple minutes. I'm sure you're trying to be a stable emotional rock for her, and that's good, but you also don't want to internalize all this and not give it an outlet. Just my $0.02.

Hello Im sorry to hear of this. How much time do you think she has left?

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Thank you for all the kind words everyone.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to mourn right now. To just kinda live life as if this isn't happening and fill what remains of our life together as if nothing is different. My wife doesn't want us to spend a bunch of money on some sort of last hurrah or anything of that nature. Live life like nothing is changing until it changes forever I guess?

There must be some special things you can do together without traveling or a ton of money. Maybe relive some early dates you had?

How long have you been together btw?

I can't imagine losing someone to assisted suicide in their 20s. I can only hope that she finds peace.

It's important to open up about these things and talk to people who are willing to listen and help. I wish I had some advice to dispense; the situation seems awful all around.

I hope you and your wife at least find some comfort and peace. Terribly sorry to hear all of this.

Sorry man.

I'm so sorry.

RIP

josifrees posted...

RIP

I... don't really think this is appropriate

that really sucks; it also sucks how much red tape it sounds like you have to navigate to make this happen once shes decided its the right choice for her

sorry youre going through this

Sorry bro

My heart goes out to you and your wife, I wish it wasn't this way however I think your wife is really brave, I can't imagine being as strong as her and going through with this.

I just want to say TC that I'm very proud of you for staying with your wife until the end. I was recently looking at divorce statistics after one partner is diagnosed with a terminally ill condition and it's terrible for women. She's extremely lucky to just have you and that's worth more than any binge spending she could have asked for.

I hope long term everything looks up for you because you deserve it.

This kind of thing is incredibly hard. I hate to hear it.. but try your best to stay strong for her. Didn't know you were married either

Sorry man

i remember you sharing some stuff on lue a long time ago (i think?) so it's crazy to hear about. very sorry for your situation but i feel more saddened that she's had to deal with all of what she had to. it sounds terrifying and tiring and painful...so...in a way, it's at least good that she won't be suffering.

still a very difficult situation, and very sorry that it has to be this way. stay strong.

It takes strength to make that decision.

im so sorry, man. I cant even begin to imagine the complex wave of emotions that are hitting you on a daily basis. I dont know how Id function at my job or anything if I was in your situation.

CE is here for you, friend.

Honestly, from what you've said, I feel that it's the best option for your wife.

I'd be sad as fuck if my wife chose that, but in the end, they know their body and you gotta grant them the easiest path.

Just feel good about the fact that you've given them the best days of their lives and find some solace in that.

I'm sad to hear this is how it goes, however.

josifrees posted...

What in the fuck