Current Events > I'm about 90% sure someone I started dating is doing coke. When to confront?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I've been on a few dates with someone who is a lot of fun, but I'm pretty sure they're doing coke while on dates with me. I don't want to go around accusing people of stuff, but I'm not a Pollyanna --- I know signs when I see them.

-Brought up explicitly not doing coke anymore, out of nowhere, on the first date
-Goes to the bathroom about every 45 minutes or less. That's not a sign of wellness even if unrelated to drug use.
-Comes back from the bathroom sniffling and giddy
-Sometimes after coming back from the bathroom, puts on sunglasses, even inside or at night
-Got pretty violent during a hookup, in contrast with usual way of doing it
-Erectile and orgasm issues
-Often goes off alone at bars to talk with people furtively and comes back with improbable stories about how they know each other
-Is a chef in a DC kitchen at an upscale hotel restaurant, so the correlation/culture is there

Quitting drugs is tough. I'm not necessarily going to cut ties over it. But I'm also not looking to be part of this drama with somebody I just want to have fun with. I'm thinking of confronting them when we hang out next, but it might just be easier/safer to do it over text or stop seeing them altogether.

Obviously, "to CE" was my first thought.

why confront them? Let them make their choices

When they refuse to share

If him doing drugs is a problem for you then immediately. Do not drag a relationship along even if there is a known deal-breaker.

After the orgasm when people are most truthful.

The only way to confront them when you hardly know the person is to break it off.

That kinda sounds way more like ecstasy than coke tbh

Coke doesn't make you super happy and social. Just very talkative and focused. Eyes shouldn't be bad enough for sunglasses either. Like wtf.

VampireCoyote posted...

why confront them? Let them make their choices

They can make their choices all they want, but I should be able to ask "Hey, are you bumping coke?" and get an honest answer. I'm asking when it's tactful and respectful to do so.

Kakapo posted...

When they refuse to share

Is very generous with weed. I'm not interested in coke myself.

ellis123 posted...

If him doing drugs is a problem for you then immediately. Do not drag a relationship along even if there is a known deal-breaker.

I don't even know if it is a deal-breaker yet, I just want to know when and how to approach the topic. Neither of us is looking for anything serious.

SrRd_RacinG posted...

After the orgasm when people are most truthful.

Ain't having orgasms, I suspect because of the coke.

celestia3 posted...

-Got pretty violent during a hookup, in contrast with usual way of doing it

I am curious as to what you mean by this.

itachi15243 posted...

That kinda sounds way more like ecstasy than coke tbh

Coke doesn't make you super happy and social. Just very talkative and focused. Eyes shouldn't be bad enough for sunglasses either. Like wtf.

Hm, interesting. Thanks for the knowledge. I'd read that coke makes your eyes sensitive to light. He doesn't usually have bloodshot eyes or anything, so he's not trying to cover redeye. I guess the question still stands of when/how/whether to ask.

celestia3 posted...

I don't even know if it is a deal-breaker yet, I just want to know when and how to approach the topic. Neither of us is looking for anything serious.

I am not referring to it in the context of breaking up. If it's something that you feel is potentially worth beinging up in a relationship you should do so earlier rather than later.

"so ive noticed uve been doing a lot of cocaine when we hang out"

itachi15243 posted...

That kinda sounds way more like ecstasy than coke tbh

Coke doesn't make you super happy and social. Just very talkative and focused. Eyes shouldn't be bad enough for sunglasses either. Like wtf.

You don't do Ex every 45 minutes or less, and it can make you giddy and outgoing. And I don't think they're using sunglasses to shield themselves from indoor dim lights...

Got violent is absolutely not tier

celestia3 posted...

Hm, interesting. Thanks for the knowledge. I'd read that coke makes your eyes sensitive to light. He doesn't usually have bloodshot eyes or anything, so he's not trying to cover redeye. I guess the question still stands of when/how/whether to ask.

How do the undersides of his eyes look? Is he notably sweaty or chilly somewhere that doesn't make sense? Do you know if his pulse is high or low?

If he stopped doing coke recently, he either might be exaggerating (in the process of stopping) or doing something like amphetamines like Adderall or Ritalin which are typically seen as better or at least weaker to drug users.

frozenstar posted...

The only way to confront them when you hardly know the person is to break it off.

Robot2600 posted...

"so ive noticed uve been doing a lot of cocaine when we hang out"

DespondentDeity posted...

Got violent is absolutely not tier

Those are all very good advice and are basically refined versions of what I was thinking most of last night.

Super_Slash posted...

I am curious as to what you mean by this.

Not sure how much I can say with the ToS, but like, when we were fooling around the first time and doing it other than the violent time, there were lots of check-ins and comprehensive acts on the erogenous zones. During the other time, there was a lot of biting and roughness even after multiple, specific, overt requests to tone it down. I like rough stuff to an extent, but this was miles away from previous attitude and seemed coupled with a totally different state of mind. I don't need that shit, but the typical sex is very, very good, so I want more of that shit.

itachi15243 posted...

How do the undersides of his eyes look? Is he notably sweaty or chilly somewhere that doesn't make sense? Do you know if his pulse is high or low?

If he stopped doing coke recently, he either might be exaggerating (in the process of stopping) or doing something like amphetamines like Adderall or Ritalin which are typically seen as better or at least weaker to drug users.

I haven't noticed the area around his eyes as having anything specific going on. He doesn't even really have dark circles or anything beneath his eyes. He does put/keep his jacket on often, even when we're in a warm place, despite being big and running hot to the touch. Pulse unknown.

In your experience, are people who are using Adderall, etc. likely to be tapering to quit, or is he just going to probably keep doing them?

celestia3 posted...

Not sure how much I can say with the ToS, but like, when we were fooling around the first time and doing it other than the violent time, there were lots of check-ins and comprehensive acts on the erogenous zones. During the other time, there was a lot of biting and roughness even after multiple, specific, overt requests to tone it down. I like rough stuff to an extent, but this was miles away from previous attitude and seemed coupled with a totally different state of mind. I don't need that shit, but the typical sex is very, very good, so I want more of that shit.

If he's gotten violent with you and is breaking boundaries repeatedly, you should stay the fuck away. That stuff isn't worth tolerating for the occasional good sex. Coke or not, he's clearly on something.

I would give advice, but you won't listen to it and do your own thing. So good luck.

He has a responsibility to respect your boundaries, it should not take multiple requests to be in less pain or to stop being in pain. Disrespect of your boundaries is overt disrespect for you.