Should you have been a better son, CE?

Should you have been a better son, CE?

Maybe if Id had better parents.

I stopped worrying about being a good son long ago, and instead tried to focus on being a good person. With parents like mine, I couldnt be both.

Daughter but yes, I'm absolute garbage.

I spent years feeling bad about being such a bad son, completely unaware that I was at an inherent disadvantage. *Of course* I was gonna be bad at being a son when I wasn't a son at all~

...not that I corrected course to become a good daughter, mind you.

Yes

Glob posted...

Maybe if Id had better parents.

I stopped worrying about being a good son long ago, and instead tried to focus on being a good person. With parents like mine, I couldnt be both.

That's kind of where I am. My dad moved 3000 miles away when I was 10, then over the years blamed our lack of contact on me not calling. He'd tell other people in the family and they'd get on me about it like I'm the one who bailed.

Mom always asked me if I was on drugs when I wasn't and would rummage through my room when I wasn't home. What's a kid not on drugs supposed think of themselves being told in so many words they're fucked up? I can still see her look of disgust like I can only be the way I am because of drugs.

Just 2 of many examples. They were a young stupid couple when I was born and the only thing that changed was they're no longer young.

I don't know how to answer that. I just woke up and am still a bit groggy, and this is one of my bigger mental triggers.

I'm conflicted, because on one hand I feel like I've done nothing but sacrifice for my family, and I always did what was needed for the benefit of the family over myself. I don't really see how I could've done much of anything better.

But at the same time, I'm pathetic. I'm such a loser and disappointment to my parents and myself. I'm 41 and I don't know how to live for myself rather than my family. And they've never considered me good. They always very much favored my more violent brother who'd disrespect them to their faces.

I even got blamed for "acting out" when I basically mentally shut down after we had a car wreck when I was 9 which ripped up my guts, gave me gangrene, and forced emergency surgery to remove them. Then after waking up from surgery I learned my father was angry because he didn't want me to have surgery, and was telling them to let me die. So, yeah, quite a traumatic week, and it was a lot to process for a kid... But god forbid that I stopped being cheerful and preferred to stay alone and away from anyone.

That was the beginning of the end for me, I never stopped isolating myself after that. I was always shy and reserved, but pushed it beyond repair. And now I'm the most pathetic, sad sack, good for nothing type of person you could find. So yeah, I could've also done better. A lot better

wackyteen posted...

No, there was/is no pleasing them no matter how good I was/am

This for sure.

I realize what it was, in hindsight. My dad legit just wanted to fight about everything. It probably pissed him off more that I wouldn't engage at all.

I should be. My parents are great.

Glob posted...

Maybe if Id had better parents.

I stopped worrying about being a good son long ago, and instead tried to focus on being a good person. With parents like mine, I couldnt be both.

Daughter here but yeah
at least I have my mom now and shes much better these days

I could have been a better son, they definitely could have been better parents, though my relationships with each parent individually vary pretty drastically, also. Like, a part of me wishes that my relationship with my Dad was better before he passed, but then I remember the time he called me during exam week and I told him I couldn't talk because I had a final in two hours, he responded that if I didn't want to talk to him then I didn't need a phone and deactivated my cell service, or the time after he and my mom got divorced he called me screaming that I didn't call my grandmother for her birthday (when they were together my mom was the one who made birthday calls happen), got even madder when I said I didn't know her birthdate off the top of my head and that he should've reminded me, but then also could not tell me my birthday, not to mention the increasingly unhinged texts and voicemails about what an asshole I was for not visiting when he, a retiree, moved across the goddamn country when I was 18 and never came back once, while I was a poor college student/20-something year old barely making ends meet with limited PTO (but still managed to visit a couple times over the years).

My dad gave me WAY too much free weed during my teen years

I mean wtf did he expect to happen?

The only way I could do better is finding myself a wife.