Years keep on going by as I consume more and more media. This shit is just becoming so trite. It's not even that the media is good or bad, it just feels like a massive waste of my time because I can't find anything meaningful to fill that time with.
For one, every moment of my day has Youtube injected into my brain. The content is barely stimulating, and I care about none of it. It's just there to fill the void. I can't think of any content creator I would really care about losing. That is how little impact they all make on me.
Reddit is more or less the same. I have been on the platform for 15(?) years now. I can't say that anything meaningful has arose from it for me. Once again it's it's incredibly surface level discussion about crap that I really don't care about, and incessant whining about the same surface level stuff. I'm not one to judge (this thread is doing the same exact thing) but I keep on asking myself "how can I actually find joy in this?"
GameFAQs is Reddit, but somehow worse.
I just finished watching The Pitt. Amazing hospital drama. I had to really push myself to finish the last couple of episodes. I just wanted it to end, Did I mention it was amazing? It would be great to see a second season, but would I even find joy in that? How can I admit that something is amazing but not want more of it or find it enjoyable as a whole?
And don't get me started on video games. I spent around $200 on them back over the holidays and I think I've completed 2 of the games I bought. Zero motivation to play them. Sat down and played like 25 minutes of Rogue Trader today. You see, I really like the premise, but I really don't want to play it. That applies with every game I have, including STO in which I've largely stopped playing in favor of just running the bot.
But when ask myself what I want, I come to more or less the same answers every damn time.
- I am always hungry despite just eating. It's like my basic needs are not being met. This is always on the top of my mind.
- The hunger could just be a result of boredom due to not finding a non-work-related activity to capture my attention.
- I can't stop thinking about how to "improve my workflow" with respect to work.
- I can't stop thinking about work.
- I do not want to code in my free time (the only thing I am somewhat good at) as I mentally translate that to work, and work is stressful. Coding is not an activity I can unwind with.
- I can't unwind. Nothing I do relaxes me. Even writing this up now and all I'm thinking about are the replies that like this thread will go into the void. The replies will be nothing but "go see a therapist" or some iteration of "clean the shit off your walls" despite the latter not being relevant for years now.
- The people in my life appear to have the same problem or they think I am a whiny little bitch, who does nothing but sit in front of a computer all day and doesn't do "real work", so it's nonproductive to try explaining this to them.
Instead of writing this up in front of my PC, I took the laptop and went on my porch.