Lurker > MegamanXfan21xx

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Man, I seriously can't remember the last time Spring was so nice. Then again, positive thoughts have been in very short supply over the past eight months, after my mom was diagnosed. Now that I've begun the healing process, I feel fairly good again, and positive emotions are almost foreign to me.

https://youtu.be/jKaC8ID9VtI?si=3VrKUux4WiDv6j3i

Hope you're all having a better Mother's Day than I am. Get her something nice, spoil her, and tell her you love her. You never know when her last Mother's Day will be. Last year, we had no idea anything was wrong with her. Less than a year later, me and some relatives were carrying her coffin to its final resting place. Cherish your parents (as long as they're not pricks, that is).

Saw that "ghost" again. Turns out it's a Muslim woman wearing one of those headscarves. For some reason, she was standing in front of the window with her head bowed. Not facing out, but towards the center of the room. I guess she doesn't know how creepy she looks. She must have moved in somewhat recently, because I've never seen her, and I've been going for walks in that park for years.

As all these advertisements keep reminding me, Mother's Day is coming up. Great timing as always.

God, she was only 70. It hasn't even been five years since grandma passed. My mom deserved another 5-10 years.

I was going for a walk in the park that's next to me, and I saw some unmoving humanoid figure covered in a quilt in one of the neighbors' upstairs back windows that was standing right against the window. I looked at it for a moment, then kept walking. When I came back for a second lap, it was gone. I decided that was enough outdoor time for today.

Never mind, looks like his funeral home's website just went through some changes at some point, so the old link doesn't work anymore. I've posted an updated link in his topic on the other board.

Looks like John's online obituary is gone, and it wasn't archived on the Wayback Machine. Damn.

Does this mean my mom's obituary is gonna vanish someday, too?

Ooooohh... I just found a very helpful bug in Coral Island! So, if you put a storage chest inside a barn or coop, then its appearance changes for any reason (like upgrading it or requesting an appearance change), then everything stored inside that chest doubles. So, put some important resources in there, swap the building's appearance back and forth at the carpenter's a few times, and you're drowning in items. This is great for kelp, kelp essence, ore, metal ingots, and hardwood, which is irritatingly difficult to get until late game.

Best part is, I discovered this by complete accident. I initially had shears and a milk bucket stored in there for the cow and sheep, then one day opened it to find extra pairs in there.

2017 was a pretty good year for me. My brother's ex would be living with us all through the year, Yakuza 0 and Prey (2017) came out (RIP Arkane), we had no idea FiM would be ending, and the whole year was overall relaxing and happy. Of course, my aunt passed away and my old hangout forum shut down, so the good was balanced with the bad, but even with those, it was an enjoyable year.

You know, I devoted so much mental energy to dealing with my mom's sickness that I'm actually having trouble remembering when she was healthy. Is... is that normal? I'm also having trouble remembering the world before covid shit all over everything. Literally, the only memories I have of 2019 is watching Joker with my brother, and all the bad shit that happened back-to-back over the next five months.

Okay, it got downgraded into a storm warning. Jeez, can I have one nice thing without something bad happening immediately afterwards? I mean, today was essentially the very model of a beautiful Spring day.

We've got ANOTHER tornado warning that's strong enough to make the sirens go off. Fuck.

Antiyonder posted...

No MLP stuff, but

I see a unicorn on that D&D comic, and it looks similar to a modern MLP pony, so I'm counting it.

On a side note, I never really had an interest in comic books. Probably because I didn't live near a comic shop as a kid. The Sunday funnies were all the comics I had, though my mom did get me a book of Peanuts comics as a kid. I even remember it was an early birthday present because I was feeling sick or something. God, she was such a wonderful woman...

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After spending some more time with Coral Island, I'm really enjoying it. The ocean segments where you clear out trash and activate these devices to clear out oil and revive the coral reefs was nice. Upgrading your sickle to the max level makes you destroy all trash in one swing, and there's these unlockable caves full of infinite trash, so you can majorly stockpile the coffers that drop and get loads of artifacts out of them, especially when you give it drop rate enchantments.

There's some things that aren't well explained. Like, to upgrade a barn or coop, you have to choose to edit them at the carpenter, then you can upgrade them. In Stardew, upgrading them is obvious, since having a regular one will cause the upgraded version to appear in the carpenter's building selection. Also don't like how carpenter buildings, permanent crop quality upgrades, and tool upgrades require you to have the materials on your person, when you can craft anything as long as the right materials are stored away on the farm. Makes for a lot of back and forth. Also, the game never tells you that the sickle can harvest crops.

The game has some parts that are unfinished, being a fairly ambitious Kickstarter project. The mines have a storyline where you free these imprisoned beings, but there's only four and the enchantment station says "4/5 freed". There's a part of the map that's blocked by a boulder, but you can actually break it by hitting it in the right spot. However, there's just a useless dead-end cliff beyond it. The marketing point of being able to romance a merperson is false for now, since their relationship meters are locked. And there's some recycling plant in the center of the map that does absolutely nothing, despite pollution cleanup being a major theme.

There's a nice little bug I gleefully took advantage of. The New Year's festival has a prize wheel you can spin for some nice things, and you're supposed to only get three spins. But cancelling out instead of using the third spin resets your spin counter, and time doesn't pass during festivals, so you essentially have infinite spins. Two of the prizes are 10,000 gold and a big fat gemstone, so I happily spun away until I had 250,000 gold, plenty enough to fund permanent upgrades and get some new clothes without breaking the bank.

I wonder how much longer we're gonna be receiving mail with my mom's name on it.

I really wish that theater a few blocks up the street hadn't closed down. Getting the full theater experience to occupy my mind would be very much appreciated right now.

My aunt came over, took me to brunch and a little clothes shopping, then we came home and talked about the good old days. After she left, I immediately broke down crying. The wound may be slowly closing, but it still hurts. A quick search tells me that it takes roughly six months to really get over the death of a good parent. Obviously it varies from person to person, but that's the general ballpark.

I don't think my brother's gonna get another cat anytime soon. We just don't have the finances for one, and caring for our old one definitely ate a chunk of his wallet. Any extra money we've gotten (from finding mom's wallet and sent by family members) has gone towards making payments to the condo we live in.

https://youtu.be/V6ny763n24s?si=gKif9grJhAZTJ7zX

Man, it's really interesting having the windows open more often. My mom was always more sensitive to temperature and humidity, so she'd make us close the window and turn on the air conditioning on a day like this.

At least one decent thing about the timing of mom's passing is that it happened right at the start of Spring, which is very conductive to mental health. It's breezy, not too hot, not too sunny, and the locusts haven't shown up yet. It's like she tailor-made the day specifically for me. I don't even wanna think about if it happened in winter, where I'd generally be stuck inside.

Goodbye, April 2024, and good fucking riddance. Can't believe all this shit had to happen on my birth month.

Malcrasternus posted...

though I feel it matters more how they're raised, and from how early.

Our male cat was eight when his owner (my brother's ex) moved out, and he completely changed after that. The ex was loud, and so was the cat. After she left, the cat became a lot more calm, quiet, and relaxed, which is coincidentally what we're generally like.

Man... the grief comes and goes. When it's gone, I feel fine and think "Yeah, I'm gonna make it through this." But then when it arrives, it hits hard and I feel like shit for the rest of the day. Losing half the population of the household in under two weeks is a horrible thing to go through. I really fucking hope the finances are figured out soon so we can get a cat. A male one, preferably. My brother thinks a new cat could turn out to be a prick, but cats get a copy of their owner's personality, so if we treat it right, it'll treat us right.

I'd also like if he would invite friends over more often just to breathe some life into this place, but we have to figure out how to get rid of the hospital bed from the living room.

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https://youtu.be/OvezgDni8z4?si=o0W2XqQ9L0Bcci2u

Kingmakers has one of the most blatantly, unapologetically ridiculous concepts I've seen. A modern person with modern weapons time travels back to medieval times and starts wrecking all the knights with full-auto guns, grenade launchers, and sniper rifles. More games should have ridiculous concepts like this!

Well... I can't mourn forever. I'm already used to solitude, the weather is nice, my mind is no longer weighed down with my mom's suffering, and I can sleep full nights once again. I've said my goodbyes, apologized for my wrongs, and shed my tears. It's time to move on and continue living. Regular posting will resume soon.

My mom wanted me and my brother to be buried next to her when our times came. Unfortunately, she never got around to talking to a pastor about buying plots, and buying two extra plots would be too expensive for us, so me and him decided that we'd get cremated and buried next to her.

Had to kneel at the porcelain throne for some relief. Still hurt for a while afterwards, but slowly went down. Slept well, but still feel like crap. I really wish indigestion didn't also come with a sore back.

Chinese food.

Indigestion.

Not fun...

Me, my brother, and a couple of his friends visited the neighborhood we grew up in, which also had an elementary school we went to. The school playground surprisingly had a couple small jungle gyms that were still intact. Like, they looked practically unchanged from when we were students there and they were still very sturdy. It also has a creek and some train tracks behind it, which you can imagine the kids loved. Sadly, the creek seemed a lot shallower than it was in the 90s.

There's a bridge going over it that was rebuilt in the last few years, and a small field that leads to a couple nearby neighborhoods. There's a volleyball court in it that's sadly become neglected and overgrown. I remember seeing a bunch of women in swimsuits playing a game there once, but I was too young to appreciate the sight.

The neighborhood itself hasn't really changed all that much. Some houses got repainted or mild remodels (my childhood home included), but it still has that same modest, comfy vibe.

It's done. Her body is with the earth and her spirit is with the Lord. Tomorrow, the cold streak ends and the healing begins.

The viewing was nice. Mom looked good, and there were a lot of people we knew who admired her. Our neighbors didn't show up, but considering they're old ladies too, I didn't expect them to.

Our mutual friend is gonna spend the night and play some Mario Golf. He's wondering how he's gonna break the news to his son, since the son got all upset over the death of a freaking caterpillar earlier. Now he's gotta learn that a woman who was basically his grandma is gone.

The poem we chose for the memorial card was "Do Not Stand By My Grave And Weep" by Clare Harner. Look it up; it's a very beautiful poem, and one that suits my mom.

Antiyonder posted...

Not changing the subject, but adding some levity from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic #63.

Ends with a reveal about Pinkie Pie:

"Nobody"? It should be "nopony"! Fire this writer! Burn their house down!

The viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is the day after.

Tried taking my suit jacket to a couple dry cleaners for a small stain on the sleeve, but they wouldn't be able to get it back until after the funeral. I went back home and decided to use our steam cleaner on it. Did a pretty good job, I think.

Our neighbor brought over some food; chicken and bread from this awesome restaurant called Cane's. Also some store-bought side dishes like pasta and coleslaw, and some home-baked cookie brownies. She'll be coming to the viewing.

Our friend is gonna spend the upcoming weekend with us. Our mom was like a mom to him as well, and his son was the closest she got to having a grandchild.

Still feeling some tension in my head and shoulders. I need to keep myself distracted so I don't feel bad. We've got an air purifier, so keeping that running for some background noise helps. I'm starting to see why my dad always has a radio on in the background at his house. Games are obviously a good source for this, though I'm obviously not in the mood for action games at the moment. Apparently the human brain stops maturing at 25, so of course my 34 year old brain isn't getting many of those happy chemicals from games anymore, even before I had any hints of my mom's failing health.

Recently I've been playing Coral Island. It's a Stardew-like farming game that also lets you clean up a trash-infested ocean floor. It's the best Stardew-like I've played, but still not as good as Stardew. It takes longer to build up money, and there's less forage along with no special forage events. Also don't like how using the scythe consumes energy, since that means you can't prioritize clearing out the bushes from the farm first. There's less overall ore nodes in the mines and the amount of rocks that are likely to spawn a hole to the next floor are much smaller.

I do like how you can slow down the game clock so you can get more done in a day. Like, you spent a day clearing out trash from the ocean, then you still have time to run around town, grabbing forage. The clock also doesn't seem to affect processors, so you could squeeze out extra productivity from them. You also don't need items in your inventory to craft items. As long as you've got the right resources stored away on the farm, you can craft the appropriate item on the spot no matter where you are. You can choose to exclude certain chests if you have rare resources you don't wanna use up.

I also like how they handled shops. The map lets you bring up a schedule of every shop, so you can tell from a glance who's closed or open at the time. You can use a shop's services as long as they're open, even if the owner isn't behind the counter. The map also keeps track of the NPC's locations, and you can track down specific characters through the relationships screen.

Overall, I like the game, but it takes too long to get going.

Just made some funeral arrangements. Looking through the prayers and poems to put on the memorial cards tore me up, imagining her saying them.

There was a bit of good timing recently, at least. My dad dug up a bunch of old photos and brought them over when she was still coherent. She got to indulge in some memories before the end.

A shower and a good night's sleep definitely helped to take the sting off. It'll be even better once this damn cold streak ends and I can wake up to the gentle breeze and birds chirping (before the locusts come out of hibernation, anyway). I'll probably be going to the gym later on. Haven't been there in so long since I had to stay back for mom.

Just took my first shower since that whole mess. That... really helps. Maybe I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

My aunt came over and brought some food from Olive Garden. Didn't have much of an appetite, but it was nice to have some company over; some life in the house again. We've found a beautiful dress and shawl to bury mom in.

Oh, and how could I forget when I caught covid for a second time the day after the cat passed? Had to spend a few days away from mom in what turned out to be the last two weeks of her life. I'm surprised God managed to resist the urge to have her pass on my birthday.

So, I said earlier that bad timing has been a recurring element in my life, and this whole ordeal is a shining example, if not the crown jewel. Let me give you the rundown.

-It's April, my birth month, and naturally the month shit royally hit the fan.
-On the day of the eclipse, the joy of experiencing it was immediately undone by my brother having to put his cat to sleep.
-The last trash day before my mom passed, the trash men left our trash can half full, likely from something getting stuck inside, so now we have to keep a bunch of mom's now useless junk even longer.
-Four days after my birthday, my mom passes.
-My mom passed in hospice less than an hour before we arrived. Granted, she wasn't even aware by that point, but it still hurts knowing we weren't with her at the final breath.
-The day mom passed also coincided with the start of another cold streak that's gonna last a week, when we had beautiful high-70s days right before then. I can't even have the windows open for the small comfort of experiencing nice weather.

Our neighbor is gonna let us borrow her trash can for the week, at least. But going through so much poorly-timed misery has left me paranoid as to what else will happen at the worst possible time. It feels like every bit of happiness I experience is punished with something that more than undoes it. The shallow happiness from good food and entertainment isn't punished, but anything that brings true, genuine, deep happiness? Oh no, can't have that!

Something I was hoping to avoid was a repeat of how my grandma passed. She was alone in a nursing home with no familiar faces around at the end, and my mom and aunt didn't arrive until after she was gone.

I believe we half-succeeded at this. By the time my mom was loaded up, she was basically on autopilot. We weren't around when she passed, but we were with her when we believe her mind was still functioning. As far as we know, she wasn't alone when she lost conscious thought.

Whether we succeeded or not, it's at least a major upgrade over how our elderly aunt spent her last days. She lived to 90, but was alone in a nursing home a lot of the time. She did have our cousin's family nearby to visit her, but we don't know how often that happened.

I'm just feeling numb. Watching her break down for weeks while also having my sleep constantly interrupted really wore me down. Plus, I couldn't help but voice my displeasure once or twice at being woken up so many times. Knowing that they were among the last interactions I had with her while she was going through so much worse has left me feeling guilty, even if I did apologize for them.

Cartridge88 posted...

well, there aren't really any words that'd work right now, but just know we're here for you.

Thanks.

Sad as I am, I'm relieved she's not suffering anymore. No more arthritis, no more cancer, no more sickness, no more being too weak to even get out of bed. She's back with my grandparents, aunt, our cats, and her brother who passed in the 70s.

She's gone.

Antiyonder posted...

^^^Well haven't talked with you, but condolences for what happens.

Thanks. Sorry about the bad timing.