"No! You misunderstand me... I mean it's literally an actual joke!" Insisted Caelus. "When I started this job thousands of Earth years ago, I was in college and Mr. God was only the assistant manager. When he took over, he became a real dick. I've always enjoyed writing and pranks and alcohol... so one time when I was drunk, I started writing a story. I made a character named 'God' after the boss I didn't like and I made him a real vindictive ass, then I wrote a whole world around him with all kinds of zany characters and wacky stories. It was described as a roller coaster of shenanigans and tomfoolery by my roommate who was the editor of the college newspaper. I got it published and then thought it would be HILARIOUS to bring it into Earth and convince all of you humans that my story was actually real and get you to believe everything in it. I called it the 'Bible,' a term from my native language that translates to 'hilarious prank.' I didn't think anyone would believe me, but lots of people did... and now, even with my ability to manipulate everything in every aspect of Earth reality, I STILL can't get everyone to realize it was only a joke. I have many regrets, and that one is at the top of my list... and it's also the reason Mr. God has had so much of a problem with me all these millenia. My drunken prank was detrimental to his grand design. He thought I was trying to undermine him, so he suppressed me by making sure I never got a promotion. He changed company policies so that rules bound what I could and could not do. I started drinking more and more. He sent me too a shrink but I totally seduced her and forged her signature on stuff."
Genesis really had no idea what to think now. Her brain was spinning in her head. "Okay, this is getting WAYYYY too farfetched. Let's just die and get it over with..."
"Okay. If that is your wish, winner of this edition of Random Elimination, I will honor it," said Caelus in the most serious tone of voice he's ever used. He nodded, and the mindscape began to fade...
-
Within the hour, the coroner had removed Caelus' and Machete's bodies and police were questioning Mr. God, but ultimately he was not charged with any rule-breaking.
Ulti proudly accepted Caelus' workload and received a promotion, from Death Agent to Senior Death Agent. He continues to thrive.
The small white critter didn't much care for the under-sink cupboard and eventually left the building via a ventilation duct. It was quickly forgotten about since most of the employees paid little to no attention to it. Its current whereabouts are unknown.
Mr. God was scolded by his superiors, from an upper plane of existence, for employing homicidal personnel, but was not reprimanded, as Caelus and Machete's actions were deemed unavoidable, and the result of a singular employee falsifying documents regarding mandatory psychiatric evaluations.
The secret to Caelus' immortality over the course of many Random Eliminations had been revealed, and since he had been killed in his own world in his own plane of existence, he would not be returning this time, and no further projects would occur in his name...
--
I never said anything about banging her. Also, I wouldn't bang her. -LusterSoldier (on a fat pageant mom whose daughter chugs Mt. Dew)