LogFAQs > #984476790

Suprak:
F-

I mentioned this in another write up (I think my brain doesnt work right anymore) but we really need to regulate who is allowed to make movies. We need a Department of Creativity where you have to go and talk to someone before you make a movie. Theyll ask you questions like are you ok? and how many head injuries are you suffering from? and if you dont pass these tests the government is allowed to show up and stomp on your camera equipment. I cant keep watching movies like this that look like they were filmed using someones Nokia flip phone. You have to have some sort of basic level of competency before you make a movie, and whoever made Suburban Sasquatch does not pass that low bar.

I get the sense the person who wrote this movie was working through something with his friends and family. There are multiple scenes in this movie where our hero, an aspiring writer, sits down with someone and they basically go you suck your dreams suck your writing sucks, you need to quit and do something better with your life. I was half expecting the main character to stand up and yell SHUT UP MOM I CAN DO WHAT A WANT. The say to write what you know, and what this writer apparently knew was the disappointment of everyone they ever talked to. This is one movie where everyone is absolutely right to tell the main character not to follow his dreams, because he is terrible at his job. His entire workday appears to be going to exactly where his cop friend tells him the biggest scoop of all time is occurring at, doing absolutely nothing, and then complaining to people about how bad he is at his job.

This is also the fourth (fifth?) movie where my working theory is the person who made the character was the male lead and he only made the movie so he could make out with the female lead. It has not been true one time [authors note: it would later prove to be true two separate times but I watched those films later], but I feel like it should be because it is the only thing that explains the casting. The female lead is doing all the work here. She isnt a good actress, but she is so much better than Rick who is what happens when an evil wizard creates a void to suck out all charisma in the room and then turns that void human. She is also very attractive and Rick looks like the after shift manager at a Red Lobster. Like, this very much feels like a thing where someone made a movie specifically to get a chance to make out with the most attractive women they knew and the fact that wasnt the case and someone willingly cast Rick for this is just utterly baffling to me.

Ive said this before, too, but this is yet another movie where I cant go over what is wrong with the story. Itll take too long. I get angry. It isnt good for my blood pressure. There are a lot of reasons but the most important of which is the fact that it is quite obviously bad. It makes no sense to dissect something this bad. It is like if a body falls off a skyscraper and they bring it to the coroner. The coroner is just going to go yeah they exploded. This is the movie version of that. It exploded. There isnt need to go over specifics because everyone can look at this and agree that it is a huge mess and were better off just sending in the cleanup crew to scrape it off the concrete.

Everyone in this movie deserved the death they got. 100%. There was not a single person in this whole movie that wasnt a complete idiot. Multiple people run into sasquatch gun first. They are holding a gun and their plan of attack is to run into sasquatch with the gun. Im not a gun expert but I am 99% sure that is not the way you use a gun. At one point a woman gets attacked by sasquatch through an open window and yells that sasquatch is outside. Her husband walks up to the door and you see sasquatch just politely standing there. He is waiting at the door like he is there to ask Billy to come out to play. And the guy, seeing the huge ape monster that just attacked his wife, opens the door and lets him in. And then gets murdered. Good. They say never to victim blame but this specifically victim deserved it and Im glad it happened to them. Sasquatch can disappear and apparently teleport and he never seems to need to use these powers because everyone around him is the dumbest human being alive. People will see him and go oh is that a dear? and then walk up to him so he can murder them. A woman gets lost in a culdesac because there isnt a sign up and she drives around in circles so sasquatch has enough time to get on the roof and kill her and her friend. Everyone is just so impossibly dumb and you just have this continuous cavalcade of corpses begging for sasquatch to kill them. I feel bad for sasquatch because he has to be exhausted by the end. Theres only so much limb tearing off you can do before you need a break and he never gets one because there are no shortage of murder volunteers chucking their body directly into his hands.

The movie is also incredibly repetitive. I dont even know how many victims there were by the end. There will be a group of two (it is always a group of two the safest thing to be in this movie is alone unless you have a dog with you) and theyll go ugh why does it smell and then sasquatch shows up (probably in tears because of how every single character comments on how smelly he is). Then they loop the same three second clip of him roaring, he tears up arms and legs, and then the cops show up so the one cop can call the reporter and go jeez this is bad you got to get over here. Or if it isnt the cops making a phone call, then its the native American woman (whose last name is Sanchez so I should really say Native American woman) showing up so she can miss an arrow and sasquatch will run off. It keeps going like this! Over and over and over again. I was so fucking bored by the end. I, and this isnt a joke, I had to watch this twice. Two separate times because I realized during the first one my mind had wandered for like twenty minutes and I didnt know what was going on. Not that you need to, but to be fair I rewatched the whole second half of the movie because my brain got so bored during my first watch that it just shut off and went into screensaver mode for a while.