LogFAQs > #984513121

19. Cry Wilderness (1987)
Directed by: Jay Schlossberg-Cohen
Score: 148

Inviso: 7
Seginus: 11
Bitto: 13
Evillord: 13
Karo: 14
Red: 15
Suprak: 22
Forty: 26
Johnbobb: 27

Inviso:
If Im being honest, I think this movie more than any other was what inspired me to come up with this list in the first place. I was watching the MST3K reboot, and if Im being honest, the reboot doesnt really do it for me. I feel like the show is almost toothless. But Ive watched through it all the same. But the second episode of the reboot is Cry Wilderness, and I wasnt even paying attention to the riffing, because I was just baffled and laughing at how BAD the movie was in its own right. And watching it again without any sort of laugh track or background riffing really nailed down just how fucking insane this film is.

First off, this movie has NO IDEA what tone its going for. The opening sequence is set at a museum, where a boarding school group of boys is being corralled by their teacher, and one boy is missing. Thats our protagonist, Paul; hes daydreaming and has stopped at the missing link exhibit, and when his teacher comes to collect him, Paul informs him that he KNOWS the missing link. The missing link is Bigfoot, and Paul met Bigfoot over the summer while visiting his father at the national park where he works. And at first, the teacher treats this conversation like one would expect in a childrens filmbut then out of NOWHERE, the teacher gets super hostile and starts calling Paul a liar, and Paul gets super hostile and they start arguing. And this leads to the teacher effectively saying Paul is going to be expelled if he doesnt admit Bigfoot is fictional. Its such tonal whiplash that I cant help but laugh at it. This is especially true because the movie is BOOKENDED in this way, with Paul returning to school and the teacher suddenly displays childlike whimsy over the thought of Bigfoot, asking Paul if he can come to the forest to meet him. Its a perfect capper.

Beyond that though, the general plot is, per my TVs description: the ghost of Bigfoot warns Paul that his father is in grave danger from an escaped circus tiger thought to be Bigfoot. And thatssomewhat accurate. Paul gets this vision and immediately flees his school, hitches rides with truckers, and gets to the forest, where he conveniently finds his dad like RIGHT away. And then we get more tonal whiplash: Why are you here, Paul? Bigfoot told me you were gonna die if I didnt come! What the fuck? You are in so much trouble for this shit. And then the NEXT scene is just whimsical movie as Paul and his father frolic through the woods, until they meet Jim, who is Pauls fathers buddy and honestlythe only semi-competent actor in the film. And they LAUGH and laugh. Its the movie equivalent of cotton candy, and its SO hilariously dumb.

Pauls dad and Jim have been tasked with hunting down some beast thats been wreaking havoc in the forest, and since theyre not bloodthirsty enough, the mayor brings in a big game hunter to help out. And this guy is introduced to us in the sleaziest way possible: hes just gnawing on a rabbit carcass with a big-ass jug of ketchup next to him, and he acts like a scumbag from minute one hes on-screen. Oh, and the scene where hes introduced and is very CLEARLY meant to be our antagonist? Tonal whiplash again! Turns out Pauls dad found some raccoon kits and was keeping them in the cabin, and they got into the kitchen and made a mess. And they LAUGH and laugh. And to make matters better, this allegedly badass hunter is just eating his rabbit and one of the raccoons gets on the table like RIGHT next to him, and it takes the guy (Morgan) forever to notice. Its like the director didnt tell him to react naturally to the sight of a raccoon right there next to him, so he didnt respond until specifically told to.

Morgan is great for all the wrong reasons; his entire character is meant to be a sleazebag, but he comes across like a pedophile, even having moments where he and Paul acknowledge Bigfoot is real, and he insists they keep in their little secret. Morgans actor is bad, but at least hes bad in a hammy way. Pauls dad (Will)I feel like he must have been utterly terrible while shooting, because they somehow dubbed him over with a voice that cannot act or convey emotion in any way. They introduce Dr. Helen later in the film, and shes the same waycomplete deadpan and incapable of emotional response to ANYTHING. Meanwhile, Paul himself is tonal whiplash in acting form, trying to portray childlike whimsy right before violent outbursts over how no one is listening to him and his father is going to die. Its all fantastic.

Now, as mentioned to justify Morgans arrival, the hunt is on for a beast in the woods, which leads to a cave where Paul remembers having met Bigfoot in the past, and in an AMAZING bit of product placement, we see that Bigfoot drank a LOT of Coca-Cola thanks to Paul, and listened to rock and roll music on Pauls radio. The product placement is blatant, but more so because NONE of this matters. The Bigfoot subplot has almost NOTHING to do with the movie, other than giving Morgan an excuse to be a creep. Seriously, once the tiger is introduced (far earlier than youd THINK, given that Bigfoot is meant to be a red herring), Bigfoots presence in the movie becomes completely superfluous, yet the movie STILL fights to include him as though he makes ANY logical sense to the plot.

Long story short, Will gets caught in a cave-in and Bigfoot saves him, allowing Morgan to discover Bigfoot and go after him. At this point, Morgan comes across a whimsical forest gathering, where a mystical Native American man (who was allegedly dead, according to Jim) blinds him with an amulet, and then an eagle claws Morgans eyes out. In a movie that, up until that point, had been ANNOYINGLY G-rated. And this is horrificand ends with one final tonal whiplash, as we get a whimsical moment of Pauls raccoon kits going home to their mother. This movie is insane, and I love it for that.

Oh! I almost forgot the completely random and pointless scene where the hunters are tracking what they think is a howling animalbut its just three drunk bikers, and then the bikers talk a load of trash to the hunters, all VISIBLY carrying guns, yet they then decide to instigate a fight, at which point theyre halted when said visible guns are obviously wielded against them. And these guys are NOBODIES in the film. Two of them flee, leaving their buddy behindat which point hes yanked off-screen. Or at least I THINK hes yanked off-screenthe movie cuts to a different scene MID-YANK. God this movie is amazingly incompetent.

Good, Bad Movie Grade: A
Best Bad Aspect: The acting is bad, but I think the acting being bad benefits the bizarre inability to settle on a single tone for the entire film.