LogFAQs > #964085386

Give or take. Without going into great detail I have an inoperable and very aggressive tumor in my brain. I am able to undergo radiation treatment along with chemo, but I am undecided at this point (having found out this morning why Ive been having severe headaches and vomiting for no reason for the past several weeks) as to what I plan to do in that regard.

On one hand, it could up my lifespan prognosis by up to 5 years or more although anything beyond 5yrs is highly unlikely and even the 5yr mark is a potential long shot.

On the other hand Ive seen first hand what treatment does to people and while it did help to extend the lives of a few family members you could argue their quality of life wasnt that spectacular and they were merely around as opposed to living their final days.

I have not told anyone I know personally yet, including my mother, my son or my brother and his family (which is all the remaining family I have left). Im not even through processing myself. Its really thrown me for a loop, but it feels good to post this just as an outlet.

The most likely scenario without treatment is I get between 4 and 8 months. How great my QoL would be is an unknown as many different things could or couldnt happen to me physically due to the cancer. If my body holds off the extremely bad stuff I could have a fairly normal few months aside from the constant headache, which is tolerable for the most part and knowing my situation now, is something Im willing to power through to try my best to enjoy things.

When do I tell my family? My son in particular. Do I tell them? They dont even know Ive been to the doctor. I had a gut feeling this wasnt some ordinary thing which is why I didnt tell them.

I also have an ex who I would like to make amends with before I cant anymore. We didnt necessarily end on bad terms, but it wasnt exactly a happy split either. Note that it essentially ended because I called her out for some unfaithful behavior by having at least an emotional, if not also
a physical, affair behind my back.

That said, her and I have a very long history and in the end its water under the bridge. I still care for her and her kids (as she does for mine) and I think Id really like to be open with her, forgive her and just be friends until my time is up, but I also dont want to be that guy that is like yo Im dying, dont you feel like shit now?! which I have no intention of, but I could see her thinking I was trying to be that way. Ehh, probably just best to leave it alone.

I am going to quit working, but I do want to do the right thing and give them notice which would mean spending some of my remaining time working, but I figure I would be around people I enjoy for the most part and anything else I make is just extra to be left for my kid.

Man.this is a real mind fuck. Im trying my best to process my own mortality, but it is very tough. I just have so many thoughts running through my head right now. All the things I want to say to people. Should I say some things, should I stay quiet. Things I want to do personally, but feeling selfish over things I want to do that dont include my family, especially my son. Will I be a bad father if I do some things I always wanted to do alone or should I maximize every moment with him that I can?

Do I have to be open about this with anyone new I may meet or do I just live in the moment and let them deal with my death on their own after Im gone?

Do I opt for treatment and Hope it extends my life while also not ruining the quality of it? Treatment costs money to which is another factor. Do I want to basically waste that money to add a little time to my life or keep that money set aside for my kid either as part of his inheritance or even money that I spend on some wild stuff for he and I to do together?

All I can say is it is a very surreal feeling being given a shelf life. I am experiencing nearly every negative emotion in waves. It is very tough. I appreciate anyone who takes their time to read this as Im thankful to have this space to anonymously put my thoughts out into the world.