After we left the beach, I looked through the photos, immediately throwing away everything I learned as a therapist. My thoughts grew cruel: There was my square jaw, my broad shoulders, and, most distressing of all, my meaty tuck. Going to the beach has always been one of my favorite pastimes. I used to be able to go on a whim, go topless, frolic in the sand wearing whatever underwear I had on at the time. But after beginning my transition, I, like so many other trans folks, now have a long list of precautions I must take to feel safe. My most intrusive fear? A visible bulge putting me in danger.
I never thought these photos would see the light of day. Then I smoked a joint and remembered who the fuck I am a powerful, divine, unapologetically trans woman. I decided the pain I felt was all the more reason to share the photos. Maybe showing off my body, bulge and all, would help other girls feel empowered to love themselves, too. I posted the pictures. Not only that, I edited them to be emblazoned with a new mantra: Trans girls with bulges belong at the beach. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next.
My post quickly went viral, amassing over 18,000 likes on Instagram and 28,000 on Twitter, along with 2,695 retweets, and over 1.2 million impressions in just two days. Dozens of friends and strangers applauded my confidence and beauty, and cis allies expressed fierce support for girls like me. I was particularly moved by the trans women who told me that the post changed their lives; that it gave them the confidence to finally try going to the beach themselves. But as with any time trans women proclaim our right to thrive in this world, hate and death threats poured in, too. My DMs were flooded with creative and detailed descriptions of how people wanted to kill me. When my anxiety got the best of me and I imagined someone actually tracking me down, I found solace in hoping that if someone were to hurt me, I would become a martyr. My life would become a message of trans liberation that could never die. The reaction to my post affirmed the importance of uplifting trans girls, women, femmes with bulges, and trans people who dont pass in general. It convinced me the world might finally be ready to start having a conversation about the many and equally valid ways trans femme folks inhabit our bodies. In my experience and with few exceptions, trans women get represented in two ways. On one hand, our dicks are fetishized in porn a topic thats rarely discussed beyond well-meaning attempts to de-emphasize the inappropriate cis-fixation on our genitals. On the other, the most cis-passing members of our community, like Valentina Sampaio, or Leyna Bloom, get put on the covers of magazines. What we need is representation that does not fetishize our bodies, nor promote the oppressive notion that, to be accepted, we must strive toward a cis ideal. When I think of the conversation between Carmen Carrera and Katie Couric, the one in which Carrera gracefully redirects the discussion away from her private parts during a 2014 segment on Katie, Im left not only feeling admiration and gratitude for Carreras poise and reminder that trans people are more than just our genitals, but also wondering how we can broach the topic, on our own terms, in order to uplift and affirm trans women who choose not to have bottom surgery or tuck. When I see Valentina and Leyna being uplifted, Im not only proud, but also hungry for a day when I can see a trans woman grace the cover of a mainstream magazine with a visible bulge. I dream of the day when a trans woman with a bulge will be seen as just beautiful, conventional even, not exotic or inherently erotic. I want trans feminine people to be able to proclaim fuck a tuck, if that is their choice. I dream of a day when bottom surgery is no longer viewed both within and outside the trans community as the final step of ones transition. Fuck that, and fuck the whole conception of transition as some linear progress toward the elusive, pearly gates of societal acceptance. Hypervisible transness is still seen as an abnormality in need of correction, which leaves behind those who do not wish to, or are otherwise incapable of, conforming to oppressive ideals of what it means to be a binary man or woman We can demand so much more: A world where trans women get to choose whether to get bottom surgery or tuck, not from a place of fear or shame, but from a place that centers our autonomy. As a nonbinary trans woman who doesnt currently want bottom surgery, nor envision myself ever wanting it, I want to be celebrated even if I am visibly trans. No, I want to be celebrated because I am visibly trans. Trans bulges belong at the beach. Trans women with bulges belong out in the world, everywhere. Trans women who choose not to medically transition or cannot medically transition are valid. I want trans feminine people to be able to proclaim fuck a tuck, if that is their choice. My hope for that world grows each day, because I believe in our collective power and radical imagination. My faith in that future is rooted in my community bonds. Below, I spoke to four of my trans femme friends about their relationship to the beach, to their bodies, and to the idea that trans girls with bulges belong at the beach. By making room for our varied experiences, we can build the scaffolding needed to take us to a world where all trans people will be celebrated, no matter how we choose to manifest our most authentic selves.
I used to avoid the beach, not just because of my bulge, but because of body image in general. But after almost two years of hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I feel more comfortable in my body than I ever have before. Of course, I still deal with insecurities, but being able to feel hot as fuck on the beach wearing a bikini nowadays is such a euphoric feeling. I soak up every second I get to show off this body after feeling like I had to hide for so long. Im way more confident now than I was when I first came oout. Theres a lot of power and joy in the statement, Trans girls with bulges belong at the beach. We do belong at the beach and I wish this sentiment was universal. Trans women are constantly policed and this is a moment for us to claim our power and reclaim the conversation about our bodies.
My personal feelings are complicated because I like having the parts I do, but I also usually prefer tucking because it makes me feel comfortable, including at the beach. For me, it comes down to safety when Im in public. I don't want to have to worry about people staring or worse, creepy men. Ive had many men approach me when Im at the lake because they obviously see a beautiful woman, but I wonder how different the interaction would be if I had a visible bulge. That said, some days, I look in the mirror and go, So what if it shows? Hot girls have bulges! Im working on getting to a point where I feel okay if its showing. Self-love is a continuous journey. Dealing with dysphoria is the worst, I know, and however you choose to present to the world should be based on what makes you feel safe and happy. Trans women are divine and we are magic. Remember that.
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I'm Queen of Tomorrow baby! Remember: heat from fire, fire from heat! She/her