LogFAQs > #966311849

I am gonna sleep now the adrenaline has worn off, but I wanna explain some of my behaviour this game and I also kinda need to rant a bit.

Those of you who've known me since like a decade ago might recall that some personal circumstances led to me having a severe psychotic episode, losing my home and leaving the mafia community for a while (although I mostly played outside of B8 at the time, I'd definitely ran into a good chunk of y'all). At the time I hadn't ever gotten high school level qualifications, and managed to permanently ruin my health to the extent I was hospitalised for a long while before coming back here sporadically as I got my life together.

Long story short, shit happened, and I finished my undergrad back in April. While I expected to pass, I found a couple weeks ago that I'd gotten an absurdly good grade that I'm really proud of (UK universities are weird and like 70% of my final grade was decided by my April assessments so it was honestly kind of a shock). I decided to apply to an amazing post-grad university course because I might actually have a shot, and have not found out whether I've got on yet.

Another long story short, I moved into that university's city today anyway because I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life and had no idea where I was gonna live in a few weeks. So I'm kinda just praying I'll get on that course and not sure what I'm gonna do if I don't but the alternative to moving was looking like checking myself into hospital and losing any chance at staying independent in the future.

So yeah. Mafia wasn't really the priority the past few weeks. I probably (read: definitely) should have replaced out and it was utterly idiotic not to. I don't think I gave the game the effort it deserved for the position it was in, and I'm kinda sorry to my team (especially considering I bussed most of them to get in my position. like... man, I don't wanna be that guy) and Sultan for that because I know I could have done far better and made the game better overall, even if I tried fuckin hard with what energy I had. I was stubborn and know I woulda kicked myself and felt like shit no matter how it went if I couldn't have some influence over it so stayed in to fuel my ego. I'm really pleased with the outcome (and proud as hell of Andy for how he did! I wish I could have coached him better but he fuckin killed it in a few ways, as evidenced by the result), but I think we got lucky in a lot of ways and I don't think it's good for myself to justify carrying on just because it worked.

All that said, I think I need to be back to emergency replacement for the long-term future, for my own wellbeing and generally ensuring that games are fun. I love Mafia, but it's an unholy combination of stressful, time consuming and a lot of responsibility. I have realised that I semi-intentionally ended up leading the scum team in most of this game as well as part of when I was alive last game (although there were other more vocal players then too) and it's not fair to whoever I'm on any team with if I don't have my shit together. Thank you for listening to my TED talk and I hope that FFD Mafia slaps.