LogFAQs > #968429234

MabusIncarnate posted...

My niece is 6, so we watch her cheer but none of the kids are on that football team. So like one tiny kid in a helmet was crying and the coach ran up to him, said there's no crying, cradled him up and ran him to his position on the field lol. Like fuck, if the kid doesn't wanna play let him go chase bugs lol.

incoming uncomfortable rant but I want to put it out there. Feel free to not respond at all because I will probably never reference it again regardless, but this post got me thinking and I want to share it so I'm going to do that and then move on...

That reminds me of when I was 7 in youth soccer. I was sitting out near the end of a game and I wanted to go in for the end of it. My father went to talk to the coach and I wandered a bit off site and got bullied by this prick that was the older brother of a teammate. He pissed me off and I got upset and ran back and when my father told me I was going to sub back in, I didn't want to because I was upset. That should have been the end of that.

Instead, later, he went on a bipolar rant and screamed at me, saying he could/should have kicked the shit out of me.

It isn't that specifically that made me stop having contact with him. He did a bunch of other bullfuck like that which I overlooked or desensitized to over the years, and really that's what bothers me the most. I enabled that shit by brushing it off. It happened again maybe 5 years ago. He went off on me again like that and I screamed at him and basically ruined the entire visit which was meant to be thanksgiving and his birthday. He crumpled when it happened. He went from angrily talking down to me to cowering in a corner after I went over the top on him... but I was still uncomfortable. I was like "I just did that... what might I do next time?"

After that I realized his bullshit wasn't just that one thing I mentioned when I was 7. It was a pattern of that kind of garbage throughout my whole life. My brother, who at the time I had plenty of other unrelated unresolved issues with, already was done with our father and wanted nothing more to do with him. I was like "shit... <my brother> won't even talk to him now" and I wondered why I would... or if I even should. A lot of stuff I had suppressed came flooding back and I realized it just wasn't healthy to continue to associate with our father and I was a fucking time bomb if I did. He made really fucked up disturbed behavior seem mundane and mainstream, to the point where to me (us), his "antics" seemed like "dad being dad" as opposed to the reality of "severely mentally disturbed person having unhinged meltdowns in public for no reason"

I don't plan to ever forgive him for that. I know he can't help being bipolar, but my brother is too and so am I probably (no diagnosis yet) and we're both adopted, separate families, so if we got that from him, it was 100% nurture and not genetic in the slightest.

It just really pisses me off that I went through so much of my life normalizing absolute bullshit on his behalf and justifying it, and trying to play the voice of reason every time he was in some asinine conflict. I kinda hate myself for that. I always thought "as long as he doesn't turn on me..." and for the longest time, he never did. Then it happened and I damn near physically attacked him in his own fucking home and his visible fear and submission was the only thing that held me back. I scared myself. I don't want to be that person. For a few seconds I lost control and I didn't like it.

This would be better meant for therapy lol but whatever. We all share personal shit here so I'm comfortable throwing this out there, if anyone can relate in any way. Seems silly looking back at Mabus' story I quoted and thinking how it led me to this but these things happen :P (and it's more a "get off my chest" thing)