LogFAQs > #975242046

I've been kinda writing now and then in I guess a journal? I will share what I have so far with you all. It's gonna be in multiple posts but you'll sorta see the format and know when I'm "journaling" for lack of a better word.

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July 17th, 2023. 5:31pm PST

My wife passed away holding my hand this minute. My world is completely different. Five minutes before I took a picture of her laughing and smiling with the doctor without a care in the world. It was the kind of freedom and happiness I hadnt seen from her in many years. I keep looking at this picture and smile, as tears flow. I thanked the doctor, a wonderful human who has saved my wife from any more pain and anguish.

Fifteen Minutes

There is an open pharmacy in the same building. My wife had to bring a small pharmacy with her everywhere she went. Prescription medications, over the counter, allergy lists, splints, everything. To exist she needed these things, to exist in pain and distress. I walk up to the counter and ask them if I can leave medications with them to dispose of properly. Lindsay talked to me about this and that emptying her meds will make it easier for me to travel back. She always needed a doctors note and even then it took the airport like 20 minutes to go through all this stuff to ensure that it wasnt a danger. I wore my sunglasses so they couldnt see me crying. Im not typically afraid to show my emotions, but this is all so new and so raw, I dont want to have to explain myself. The pharmacist lets me pour out medications into a ziploc bag to hand over for proper disposal. I shakily begin to pop open bottles, pour their contents out. This is all so new to me. Lindsay took care of her own things. With all her allergies and my having to work in a world where Im just going to have those around me, we both understood that whenever possible, she would take care of packing those things, opening them up.

It feels so invasive. I take some deep breaths and continue to work. Im reminded of the words of the doctor... No more pain, no more medications. No more worrying, no more stress. I look back to that picture, a beacon of happiness and hope in a world that is crashing down around me. I smile, and finish up my work.

One Hour

Ive let my entire support network know. They all knew what was happening, I kept them in the loop. For as strong as Ive had to be for so long, I knew that in my moments when I potentially just couldnt be strong anymore they would allow me to be weak. Everyone asks me if Im OK. Yeah Im OK. Im OK. Im OK. If I say it enough will it be true? Its not wrong, Im not lying from a certain point of view. Im in a taxi making my way to the airport. My flight hasnt been cancelled. Im not going to hurt myself, nothing like that. Im going to cry. Im going to miss my wife, Im going to be in a place I dont know and just have to make it home. My family keeps asking me if Im sure I want to return to my home. I can stay with them instead, I can avoid it if its too hard. I know I need to do it and made up my mind a LONG time ago that this is what I would do. I would return to my home and begin the process of making our home a place that is my home. For now though, its a taxi ride to the airport. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. The arduous task of redefining my entire life is a lot less scary when I just do things one step at a time.

Two Hours

My flight home is confirmed. Now I just have to sit and wait. I make sure to grab something to eat. Im not really hungry but I know I need to eat. I snag an entire roll of toilet paper from a bathroom so I have something to wipe up my tears and snot and all that lovely stuff. I find some comfort in people watching. Yes, my entire world has changed... but there is so much out there. So many experiences, so many people just heading around and out and about. I sit down and start up a game on my Switch... Wonderboy 3: The Dragons Trap. It transports me back to being 7 or 8 years old, my only worry being which breakfast cereal Im going to eat today, and what my friends and I were gonna do once school was out. Its comforting and I know right now I just need comfort, escapism. I listen to others around me flying stand-by, their flights cancelled earlier in the day. So many experiences. I dont want to be rude so I stop living vicariously through a stranger and turn back to my Switch, trying not to focus on what happened just hours ago.

As I go through security a bit later they pull me aside and ask about Lindsays bag and if there are liquids in it. I remember clumsily blurting out that maybe there are from some over-the-counter meds but they can take whatever they need out of there since my wife passed away earlier in the day and Im just trying to make it home. They exchange a look and apologize for the inconvenience and hand her bag back to me. These were the first people not intimately in the know about the situation that I muttered those words to. I really hope every other stranger I need to pass this information to are wiling to be this understanding. Kindness is so easy to do and I wish we all did it better, myself included. Its something my wife was great about and it will be something I take with me forever.

Four Hours

In a flight jam-packed with people and with stories I heard from others who were riding stand-by... the seat beside me is the only one that is empty. Im not a religious man, nor am I even spiritual... but in that moment I smile and thank my wife for giving me some peace and quiet for this flight home. Im not normally one for quiet solitude, but on a packed flight home right after my wife died? Yeah, let me have my space unless youre someone I love who wants to give me a hug.

Seven Hours

My bed is so much bigger when Im the only one in it. Im going to force myself to use the entire bed though. I need to. My wife is gone and the more I experience that the more OK I will be.

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