| Topic List | Page List: 1 |
|---|---|
| Topic | CE Confessions Topic |
| ShinigamiSoul 01/30/18 10:24:44 PM #18: | Continued "After college, I moved back home and basically shut down. I couldn't find a job right away, and after about 2 months I had completely stopped even searching. I spent all my time in my room on the internet or gaming. There were times I would go for 2 weeks or more and the only times I'd step outside the front door was to smoke a cigarette or to get more cigarettes. I spent most of my time thinking about where my life went wrong and what happened to me to make me so miserable. I locked onto 2 things: then when and the why. The last time I felt like I'd been properly content, if not actually happy, was when I was about 10-12 years old, at the end of elementary school. I was athletic and played sports, I was doing great in school, and I was actually very popular with practically every single person in the school knowing who I was. Then puberty hit, and my brain chemistry decided it didn't want to be normal, and that's when the depression kicked in and I started shutting down. But for some reason I still didn't blame the depression. I thought it was a symptom, not a cause. And I got stuck on the idea that if I'd had more experience when I was younger I might have had the confidence to give it a try with the girl I loved in college. Eventually, I stumbled across [redacted] and saw [redacted] for the first time. Something clicked then. It was a combination of the two things that I had fixated on for ages. The lack of sexual experience combined with the age when I last felt normal. I started imagining what it would have been like to explore my sexuality [redacted], like most of my friends had. Viewing those images, I wasn't an adult fantasizing about [redacted]. I was a child exploring with a peer. I was trying to fabricate "memories" and experiences in the hopes that maybe next time I met a girl my own age that I was interested in they would give me the confidence to approach her. I say getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to me, and it's true. Not because I got punished. I was given an extremely lenient sentence (just 5 years probation, some small fines, and a fair amount of community service, all of which I have since completed). No, the reason it was so good was because it finally forced me to get help. I was nearly 25 years old, struggled with depression my entire life, and STILL had not been officially diagnosed with it. Getting into therapy and getting that depression under control has helped me completely turn my life around. I can actually feel emotions, I can empathize with the people around me, I no longer feel exhausted after simply holding a 10 minute conversation with a stranger, my self-confidence is through the roof, I've got a full-time job, and I'm actually LIVING my life for the first time ever. I hit rock bottom. I thought I was going to be spending years in prison. I thought my friends and family were going to abandon me. And instead, I learned from it, I got a little lucky, and it turns out the very few friends I'd made had at least been chosen very wisely. And that girl? The love of my life? Not only had she stuck by me and supported me through everything, but she even wrote a letter to the judge and begged him to be lenient with my sentencing after I'd plead guilty. I still cry every time I read that letter, imagining how hard it had to be for her to say some of those things despite how I had betrayed her trust. And I firmly believe she is the reason the judge gave me probation. And a second chance..." To Be Continued --- I dont want a sig! ... Copied to Clipboard! |
| Topic List | Page List: 1 |