I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety exacerbated by rampant drug use. There was a lot of stuff that led to that like childhood trauma due to abuse, neglect, and sexual assault. Along with abandonment by my biological mother and emotional trauma from failed relationships.
I was also constantly lonely even tho I've always had lots of friends, and I would retreat into binge eating patterns that led to morbid obesity and a complete absence of self respect and self love. An example of a typical binge might have been like 36 oil fried mozzarella sticks and 6 cans of coke, 6000 or 7000 calories. I see now that the binge eating was a prolonged suicide attempt in itself. I always believed that I would die from suicide since a very young age, I was terrified of being alive.
I felt utterly and incomprehensibly alone, I felt ashamed that I couldn't enjoy life, and ashamed that all the good will people had shown me was wasted on a person who couldn't feel gratitude for it. I was constantly angry at the world, blaming others for all the things I'd failed to become or create.
I couldn't see a way forward, only the pit into which I mired myself. The truth was, I became addicted to despair, and rejected hope because I constantly fled from difficult tasks.
A lot of people believe that hope is simply a state of being, but I have discovered for myself that it's a truly precious treasure that one must fight to obtain and protect. It won't ever just come to you, you have to take it for yourself and hold it close when the world is crashing down around you.
That's some raw stuff; I'm glad you're doing better now. I do think that even a tiniest glimmer of hope can be enough to carry someone through the day to day. Even when you think you're at your lowest, there's always someone or something out there that can help you climb your way out.