LogFAQs > #961820893

38. The Polar Express

Johnbobb: 19
Inviso: 27
Karo: 28
Ermine: 31
Evillord: 34
Red: 40

Total: 179

Johnbobb: This has always been my go-to Christmas classic, although I'm admittedly not a Christmas movie classic kind of a guy. But Polar Express has always been the one least likely to make me groan in true humbug fashion, because everything about this janky-ass uncanny valley Tom Hanks pajama dance-off is just fun the whole way through

Inviso: This didnt have much in the way of plot, largely because it was telling a whimsical tale of childhood wonderment and keeping the Christmas spirit. That being said, its a fine movie. Its nice and saccharine, and thats what you want for a Christmas movie, I guess. I wouldve preferred some plot, but at least it had some maturity to it, rather than going full bore on the childishness some writers think of when writing animated films. I will say that the plot goes off the rails (pun intended) when the train stops, and the characters are just moving around Santas village. Yeah, theres not a LOT of substance to this film, but the style is decent enough. I hate the know-it-all kid, but at least Tom Hanks is largely awesome in his various roles.

Karo: A cynical young boy gets taken aboard a magical train ride up north to meet Santa, with a short detour through the uncanny valley.
Once on board, he meets several other children, one of whom is like this most offensive stereotype of a 'nerd' that you could possibly imagine and oh god it hurts please throw him under the train already, the pain, the pain.
After a surprisingly eventful choo-choo trip, we end up at the north pole and learn about the true meaning of Christmas, which is apparently getting lots of presents and blindly believing in the existence of a fat old guy.
In most aspects it is one of the most impressive looking CGI movies of its era, but there is one area that mars this pretty christmas postcard, and mars it so badly that it bleeds out magic like a deflating balloon. I am of course, talking about the children.
Nothing quite ruins all the wonder and escapism like seeing all these weird hyper-realistic motion capture kids and watching their soulless faces stare blankly off into the void between dimensional space. Because these eldrich mannequin children were not nearly creepy enough already, someone thought it would be a good idea to have most of them motion captured by adult actors.
If the people were in live action this movie would be an instant holiday classic, instead of relying on sketchy fad technology that looks more dated with every passing year.
The film is a magical ride that I still hold a lot of fondness for despite it seeming worse and worse every time I see it. It is best watched with the mindset of a little kid, or even better, with an actual little kid. Just be sure to keep a large bottle of holy water nearby to flick at the TV to make certain the children of satan stay safely in the screen.

Ermine: A fun idea, plagued by the awful characters and overall design and animation. At times it looks quite nice, but god the characters just look off.

There are moments in this film where I think it actually could have been quite good, but before we even get a chance, we have guys jumping around pouring hot chocolate for everyone, or ugly ass engineers being completely incompetent. I want less of the "fun" and more of the "spirit". The balance was like 95-5 and the result is just a waste of my time.

Most of the music in this film is just christmas songs or original tracks that really don't do it for me, but 'Seeing is Believing' is actually really really good. Too bad it's never quite used properly. Like, imagine this film going harder on the darker undertones and tossing out most of the silly shenanigans, and then throw this theme on top of these quintessential moments. That's what I want.

Oh well.

Evillord: This movie looks good coming right off of Jimmy Neutron, but it feels like a case where talking about 3D Animation means noting technological progress rather than artistic inspiration. Its real problem is that it doesn't know when to chill out and develop its characters, so most of the run-time is a sequence of disconnected perilous escapades that don't mean anything and end up being boring. The ending was kind of cute though.

Red: This is a movie I'd probably "seen" a bunch prior to this list. It is always on TV. Somewhere, someone thinks very highly of this movie. It is aired all the time around Christmas like it is some Christmas special classic. But despite all those times I'd watched it, I'd never once seen it from start to finish. Or start to middle, or middle to finish, or really anywhere to finish. I'm pretty sure I'd tuned it out every time by the ending. I hate this movie. This movie has no business being an animated movie, they don't want to be an animated movie. Everything is made to try to look real at a time when animation wasn't really good enough to pull that off and even when they do it is typically pointless to begin with. But the most grating thing, every time I've ever watched this movie, why the hell does the very realistic human kid have a mandark voice. It drives me crazy. Every time he speaks I hope something will come rip his throat out and save us from the terrible voice. Oh and every character is inexplicably Tom Hanks. It doesn't even make narrative sense. They are just all Tom Hanks because did you know Tom Hanks is in this movie so you should all like this movie because it has Tom Hanks. This is also listed as a musical. All the musical numbers are awful. Some of them are completely out of place.