LogFAQs > #877411327

Turns out I've gotta actually talk about things that are eating me up these days, so... alright.

I've briefly mentioned already in this topic, but issues I'm going through far extend any recent events. Anyone else here know what it's like to be across the planet from the only people in life that love you? The only people that give your life any meaning? Perhaps the biggest epiphany I had in life was that I will never be able to commit suicide... as long as my family exists. I've actually promised this to my mom before (ofc without that last addendum)... There's been a number of such deaths throughout my mom's side of the family already so I've seen the hurt it brings to the people that care about you. Heck I'll always have the memory burned in my mind when I flew into my mom's home town to visit one March, and on that night just as we arrived from the airport my aunt received the call that her daughter's body was discovered, stabbed and ditched into a ravine. The week was already a large family gathering for my grandfather's funeral at the time, so I was welcomed into a house immediately filled with screams of the news among all my distant relatives as I was walked into a bedroom to have the situation explained. In the week that followed we would have 2 funerals instead of the 1 we came for... and a year later my only living grandparent left took her own life due to the intense loneliness from losing my grandpa. My mom still blames herself for not inviting her to live with us.

It's this kind of pain I constantly keep in mind whenever I have such negative emotions. I concluded long ago that if something were to happen to me my family would devastated - I'm my brother's best friend. I'm the family member my sister can always count on to support her. With my dad's hermit life of the last 20 years, he needs someone to keep him company at times and my sister lives in Ottawa while my brother never things to visit. To my mom... I'm the one kid she doesn't worry about, after the major events my brother and sister went through. I'm always thinking about this. I don't have anything else to live for, I don't enjoy aspects of life that other people do... but my family needs me. When I say my family gives my life meaning, I mean they're literally the only reason I continue to live. It's not a perfect answer to accept because I very much feel "trapped" to stay alive when I don't really want to, so I often wish something would just happen to me and I'd be gone but ultimately not responsible for leaving my family.

I know Dillos is a place I've vented about my life for 5 years, but I do not say everything on here - for the same reason I don't tell my family at home or even my psychologist. However, I used to be able to huddle on the couch with my family to feel myself at ease. I could spend my downtime with my brother, or even help out my dad with any of his many tech problems. Even by myself I had whatever I needed to be alone, particularly being at peace with my acoustic guitar. But I won't be able to do any of that for a few more months so unfortunately I'm gonna have to inconvenience this place a bit longer with my feelings.

/vent

... In writing this up I actually just found out someone wrote a song about the cousin I mentioned, kinda nice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh-GBmN0iSY

(no Taylor Summers wasn't her real name, but you can read about her online by that pseudonym)

now I kinda wanna go through some old family videos... I think I remember seeing her in one of the ones I uploaded but I dunno... I know her sister's in this one, the yellow sweater and big pearls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIRt-reHZxY&index=1&list=PLMt5uo0T-nTQKWS-wgi-BwN70R5EefAmc

.... and now actually I really just wanna watch home movies
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I request affiliated many pipes.
Been a bad girl, I know I am. And I'm so hot, I need a fan. I don't want a boy, I need a man.