LogFAQs > #898746765

B

"Fine! Give me that horrible rubbish of a movie!"

"I knew that was too much to ask," Control Freak mutters. "But alright, then! Lights! Camera! Action!"

He presses another button on his remote, and everyone is taken away with another bright light and gravitational force.

First, the opening credits. The MGM logo and its lion, but it's Beast Boy so the lion is green.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSEmKXzpQMQ" data-time="

There's irony to the star-studded cast that accompanies this proverbial red-headed stepchild of the Bond franchise.

After the opening credits, the movie truly begins, with you naturally cast as James Bond. Or in this case, Sir James Bond, who has been retired for the past 20. In this version, Bond is a bit of an eccentric, with a pride of lions living on the premises. You have to play along, and exercise while your rickety old butler serves tea.

And as the movie goes, you are visited by the head of British MI6, "M", CIA representative "Ransome", KGB representative "Smernov", and Deuxime Bureau (French military intelligence) representative Le Grand. They're still played by John Huston, William Holden, Kurt Kasznar and Charles Boyer, but they do not seem to notice you're not David Niven.

"So, gentlemen," you say, ignoring script. "I know you're here for more than tea. You wish for me to come out of retirement to stop the SMERSH and their killing spree of your people."

M, Ransome, Smernov and Le Grand are confused and a bit flustered.

"Cut!" Control Freak shouts as he walks in from the off-screen set that wasn't there before. "What're you doing improvising?"

"What're you doing in that outfit?" you say as you look at his beret, ascot, troop pants and boots. "Do you think you're Von Stroheim or something?"

"Just stick to the script or I'm gonna roll camera on my kiss scene with our leading ladies!" he threatens with a jab of the rolled-up script.

You grumble.

"Alright, from the top!" Control Freak barks as he returns off-screen. "Action!"

You sigh, and start again from greeting the group of international spies. You invite them for tea, and let them lead the conversation to the request to go against SMERSH. You do get to be Bond showing off his deductive abilities. You take them on a tour of Bond's estate before turning them down.

However, things move forward and M uses one last, and rather underhanded, trick: he uses the match for his cigar as a signal to British soldiers! They fire a mortar and start blowing up Bond's mansion! But at the same time, the explosion is a bit overboard, and M ends up dead in the process.

You drive to "Scotland" to bring M's remains to his widow, Lady Fiona McTarry. And you know that SMERSH puts a plan into action to destroy the "celibate image" of Bond, which is a completely idiotic joke to make because everyone knows from every other Bond movie that Bond is a ladies' man so why even bother!?

As you arrive, there are scenes of SMERSH agents notifying the command center that you're arriving. One includes a man pretending to play bagpipes but it's actually his communicator. This gives the exposition that Agent Mimi is already in place at the McTarry manor.

Cut to you in the manor with Lady McTarry and the mourning family.

"Rorek!" Raven says. "I guess it makes sense you're Bond, but who am I?"

"You're Agent Mimi pretending to be Lady McTarry, wife of M, who just died in the last scene."

"Wait, what happened to the real Mrs. McTarry?"

"They never explain that but it was definitely SMERSH's doing. But that's secondary, we have to play our parts."
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