LogFAQs > #913695161

You turn on the sink and fill the Joe's Crab Shack mason jar to the brim. You glug the entire jar right there in the kitchen. You place it on the counter and head to the bathroom. You throw your honey soaked clothes straight into the washing machine and get the shower going hot. You step inside and let the water cascade over you for awhile before making any real effort to clean yourself. "No bears in those woods," you whisper to yourself. "No bears in those woods!" you chant a little louder as you smack yourself hard across the face. The smack would have surely been louder and more painful without the honey padding. You swipe the facecloth from the railing, promptly biting down hard on it and screaming as loud as you can through gritted teeth.

Peeking around the shower curtain, you can see your razor sitting on the bathroom counter. It'd be easy to pop one of those blades out and take care of things right here. The water's hot, the alcohol in your system will probably numb you a little. Conditions are perfect.

Conditions are perfect.

After washing all the honey off yourself, you creep into your bedroom for some fresh clothes. As you're getting dressed, Carrie stirs and says, "Kev?"
"Hey, sorry. Did I wake you?" you ask her.
"No no no, I've just been tossing and turning. What is it like ten? We never go to bed this early," she mumbles.
"It's quarter of, actually."
She slips her arm out from underneath the comforter and beckons you over. "Come to bed. We can lie awake together."
"I just got back from the bar, actually," you reply. "You know how my bladder gets when I drink. I'll be up and down all night, I don't want to keep you up."
"Mmmrrrmm," Carries voices her disapproval of your plans to sleep on Old Faithful.
"Plus, I actually have tomorrow off. So I'll likely only be going down once you start to get up."
"What are you gonna do until 4AM?" she demands.
"Masturbate to Cinemax in the living room," you tell her.
"Of course, as always. Mind if I join you?" she asks.
You gasp. "You never want to join me when I pretend to masturbate to Cinemax in the living room."
"I know, and I still don't. I just wanted to see how excited you'd get," she brings the blanket back over her shoulders and rolls over, satisfied with herself.
You stroll over to her side of the bed and kneel down, kissing her goodnight. "Enjoy laying here with your eyes shut."
"Enjoy Forbidden Science or whatever," she replies.
"Hah, Forbidden Science hasn't been on the air since 2009, idiot," you retort.
"For someone who's only pretending to masturbate to Cinemax, you sure know a lot about their programming," she squints.
"Gotta go," you quickly rise to your feet as she chuckles.
You walk back to the living room, switch the television to Cinemax, and set the volume to seven (the agreed upon volume while someone in the household is trying to sleep).You watch sloppily acted softcore for a few minutes before rising from the couch and sneaking out the front door.

More sober than you were a couple hours ago, you walk to the bar in the center of town to remedy that. You haven't been in the local bar past 10PM on a weeknight before. You imagine it'd probably be full of desperate townies and visceral shame that has taken human form. Entering the bar doesn't really dispel this notion. A few patrons are spread out across the establishment, all with a booth to themselves so they don't have to talk to the others. There's one brave soul at the bar smiling at the basketball game in front of him. You make sure to sit several seats away from him. The bartender strides over and asks, "What're you having?"
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.