LogFAQs > #924669544

I wish I had the time to edit this for you, or that you could afford a proper editor. I enjoy the concept and setting, but to give you an idea of how much editing this could use, I would cut the first two chapters in their entirety.

There are too many characters vying for the reader's attention at the onset. Too much dialogue. That's an issue of taste, and will not bother every reader, but for stories involving strange races, names, and concepts, I prefer when a writer introduces these elements at a slower pace, giving me time to familiarize myself with the setting. I'm not exaggerating when I say the first two chapters can be striken, and the story would not suffer in any way. The third chapter is when you begin to exhibit qualities of a more seasoned writer

Your prose is wordy, with some paragraphs that could be reduced to a single sentence.

For example:

Dylan saw the woman who entered the room. Instead of pointed elf ears, she had a pair of elongated, hairy ones like a rabbit. Had it not been for those, Dylan would have sworn she was looking at a human from eastern Asia.

Could be written as:

A woman with rabbit-like ears entered the room.

If we take the above example and rewrite both that paragraph as well as its preceeding one (which I'd post but I can't highlight the text on my phone), you could distill two paragraphs to:

A woman with rabbit-like ears slipped into the room, stopping to cover her mouth in disbelief.

You can see why I never finish my novels...

The story is interesting, and I'm not saying that to soften the blow. I think there's potential, and more than that, you accomplished something I could not. Congratulations. I hope your future works receive the editing they deserve.