LogFAQs > #969483891

I'm feeling pretty rotten, right now. My current mood is related to my work-mates. I know that it is unimportant if they like me or not. Lately, I feel like the workers outside my department have been being passive-aggressive to me, as of late. Just this morning, I had bade the chef in the work cafeteria cook up their daily special. The chef had told me, when handing the meal off to me, to have a wonderful day. I merely said, "Thanks", then walked away without wishing the same for him. It's just hard to mean that sort of thing with a genuine expression on my face, when in truth, it's hard for me to care. It sounds callous, I know. I wonder sometimes if it would be better if I tried not to disguise my apathy for others. This way, I would be far more genuine. In my workplace, it is common etiquette to hold the door for others. Those who do are commonly met with expressions of gratitude. I, however, have not comported myself with the manners of these lot, not so socially crippled as myself. Whenever this happens to me, I am not met with compulsory responses to my utterances of "Thanks"; they have learnt, surely, that I am not friendly in the slightest. My expressions of gratitude are either too softly to be heard, or not expressed at all. I fear being hated by people. It is often said that not caring for how one is seen by others is a skill that should be practiced for one's personal benefit. Yet, I cannot help but feel guilty following such advice with respect to the co-workers in my department. Personality-wise, they are warm, they are friendly, and very much amicable. I am their polar opposite in this regard. I feel guilty always unconsciously effecting body language that gives them the impression that I do not wish to consort with them. I worry about hurting their feelings by repeatedly being too shy to speak with them. Some co-workers have called in sick, already, since I was inducted into their department. It was often said that theirs was a team that is very close-knit. I often worry that my arrival disrupts the chemistry of that intimacy, as though I am like a virus that changes the ecosystem in which it nests itself. Just today, during our break-time, I have made an allusion to a television show that a co-worker had happened to share an interest in. I, however, have ignored her eagerness to consort with someone with a common interest. The experience has taught me to never share interests with others, for fear of once more rebuffing these advances and inadvertently causing distress to the one making them. Some sigh when they are tasked with speaking to me and coaching me. Others have made remarks about my consistently deadpan face and style of speaking making it ridiculously difficult for anyone in their sane mind to want to approach me. At times, I wonder if I would be let go because of how coldly I act towards my peers and superiors. My sociophobic behavior certainly has enabled some people to be passive-aggressive to me, I think. I worry that my co-workers do not assign me as many tasks, because they feel that by letting me take on less work, I will appear less valuable to the team.

In any case, this is how I am doing at the moment.