LogFAQs > #974354087

Thank you, Lasa. I am hoping to be able to resume regular movie viewings - at least one a week - from here on out. Additionally, as an apology, I have acquired quite a few more DVDs so there's gonna be more to watch! (Yes, there are several romcoms, but I got a 4-pack of them for $4, so...)

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)
Directed by: George Lucas
Written by: George Lucas & Jonathan Hales
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ian McDiarmid, Frank Oz, Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, Christopher Lee
Previous status: Saw ages ago

"I hate it when he does that."

[WARNING: LONG]
Star Wars was never about the plot. What George Lucas envisioned was the jolly slashing of light sabers, a space pirate opera focused on entertaining people, not on the story. This of course leads to some major suspension of disbelief, such as the stunt jump to subdue the assassin's pod. But the action sequence is fun, and that's what matters.

Even so, this starts with a bang, literally, with one of Padme's doubles getting blown up in an assassination attempt. The bad guys never seemed to pick up how Padme hides in plain sight, did they? It's been a ten year gap, so maybe things have changed. Some haven't, such as Anakin having a boy crush on the now-former Queen. Which is not allowed. He's not allowed to be attached. But he is already, and Master Yoda certainly knows it. It is a test. But he's a teenage boy (barely)... and she's Natalie Portman... so why would he NOT want to do it? (As I've said, she's among the actresses I find the hottest.)

Oh, and "Why do I get the feeling that you're going to be the death of me?" is a nice little reference. Palpatine is starting to plant seeds with Anakin for later. It's meant to be obvious because you're meant to know what happens... and if you don't, you figure it out. Anyway, Obi-Wan is sent bounty hunting a bounty hunter, while Anakin is assigned as Padme's bodyguard. I am guessing that they couldn't get Keira Knightley back, which is why there's a different double (again). And then they did other shit with her character outside the movie canon. Reading her bio on the Star Wars Wiki was a trip.

When Obi-Wan gets to the ocean planet Kamino, he realizes he's being mistaken for someone else. They think he's working for a dead guy who is financing a clone army. He realizes this is amiss but plays along, knowing he's dead meat if he doesn't... and knowing they could give him a lot of useful information. Me, I'm thinking this dead guy was an alias being used by a true villain - Palpatine, obviously - to operate more discretely. Jango Fett is the original, but they also cloned the clones and changed DNA so they could become obedient Stormtroopers. This is also why Jedi Mind Tricks work so well on them.

Meanwhile, Padme and Anakin are in Italy, falling in love the way you do in Italy. Okay, it's Naboo in the movie, but this is an Italian location I've seen in movies before. Anakin shows he didn't take a government course and thinks a dictatorship might work better. He doesn't seem to get that a system like the Republic's is designed to get disagreeing people to debate and figure out what's best. Wish it worked that way in real life! Ani tells her he thinks about her every day, but is in agony because of him being stuck between a Jedi pact and a beautiful woman. Anyway, they fuck in a flower field, even though both of them think of this as forbidden.

There's an awkward conversation between Jango and Obi-Wan, which tips both of them off as to who the other is. Obi-Wan isn't subtle in trying to deduce what's going on. And yet, the Kaminoan lady doesn't catch on. Obi-Wan plants a bug on Jango's ship and follows him across the galaxy as Anakin returns home to Tatooine to respond to nightmarish visions about his mother. His former master takes a minute to recognize him (but doesn't recognize the girlfriend as the same from back then), but spills that he sold her to Mr. Lars, who freed and married her. At the Lars residence, the same as the original movie, Ani and Padme meet a rusted C-3PO, who recognizes them both and is gleeful to see them. 3PO takes him to Owen and Beru - Luke's Uncle and Aunt, per Owen being Ani's stepbrother. Owen's father, Cliegg, says the Tuskens got Shmi, who's dead. Ani can feel her alive in the Force. He goes off solo to bash in some Tusken skulls. He finds his mom first, and, feeling like her dying wish of seeing him grown up was granted, she dies in his arms. This doesn't have the impact it could have, since we weren't too attached to her. Same goes for Owen and Beru in the original movie, and this did nothing to make me care more for them. THEN Ani bashes in the skulls of literally everything he sees, but we don't get to see it. Lame.

Obi-Wan sees Dooku admit to ordering Padme's assassination and the one spearheading the clone army. But he's clearly not the top dog - he's the puppet. Obi-Wan transmits a message to Ani. I'm getting fed up with these two separate storylines not having any common ties. It doesn't feel like they're converging. At least not in this movie. Ani has a meltdown about killing everything in sight, and Padme comforts him. She is a keeper!

After Dooku says Palpatine (Sidious) is controlling the Senate for the Sith and an action sequence in the droid factory, Padme FINALLY admits she loves Ani. About time! This is the first time they've shown chemistry since Italy. Again, Star Wars was never about the plot. But this movie is only interesting when there's action. And the last hour has it in droves. Because right after that scene, we get some gladiator combat meant to be the execution of our fair Jedi. Padme manages to free her cuffs using a hairpin, while Obi-Wan and Ani use the monsters to free theirs. Ani tames his and uses it against the others. Meanwhile, Mace Windu leads a troupe of Jedi to overtake the arena hostage. Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson does some Matrix-like stunts while the Jedi start whacking Droids. 3PO is providing comic relief - thank goodness it's not Jar-Jar.

In the battle, Padme refers to it as "aggressive negotiations" and there's quite the body count, including Jango (courtesy of Windu). 3PO was salvaged by R2, of course. Yoda arrives with the Clonetroopers and they go to town taking out droids while gathering everyone. More fighting follows. Not much to say. I do see the schematics for the Death Star - obviously it later resurfaces in Rogue One, with the actual thing appearing in the original trilogy. It's all connected.

Padme falls off and Ani rebels. Obi-Wan gives him an earful. But don't worry, the plot dictates that she can't die yet. She still needs to give birth to twins. There's a light saber duel, which is only interesting for a brief moment when Anakin duel-wields. It doesn't feel like enough is at stake, since Dooku's droids got overwhelmed by Clonetroopers, and his death won't stop a war. But then Ani's arm gets cut off. Yoda does Matrix stuff too, but Dooku gets away to die another day, so the Clone Wars have begun. Ani gets a bionic arm and elopes with Padme in a ceremony that should've been more remarkable... but they had to keep it quiet. I get it.

Overall, I just finished this movie, and I did not find much memorable. This is despite some good action sequences, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, good set design, Yoda... I don't know what I took from it. Did I like it as I watched? At times. But it was slow at others because of the lack of quotability, meh character development, and thin plot, so I have to give it what I gave Episode 1: a 2.5/5.

Also, I'll get to Episode 3 soon.