Current Events > Serious question for those who have broken up after a long relationship...

(+) Yeah! (+)

How much did it impact you? Do/did you feel the same as I do?

Broke up with my girl of 5 years around 7 months ago. Now everywhere I go in London reminds me of her and the memories we have of visiting each place.

Whenever I see all the stations on the tube, I just remember the times we had in each area. Its one of the main reasons I haven't left my house much after the breakup.

I remember I once had to go out and drop someone off the airport, then the tube was closed, found myself having to take a coach which took me directly to the place she lived in before she returned to Japan. I decided to walk up to where her apartment was and just stared outside her place. Then stared down the road where I last saw her in person as I walked away. Fucking hurt.

Also in terms of music, the songs I used to listen to whenever I would go to meet her, or after a long night out, now hit differently. I can't listen to some of the songs anymore without feeling some sort of emptiness?

Anyone else felt this after a breakup?

Upset me for a while, but I learned to cope through a combination of contempt and shutting everyone out from that point onward.

Dark_Arbron posted...

Upset me for a while, but I learned to cope through a combination of contempt and shutting everyone out from that point onward.

Damn I think I've done this to an extent.

We had a Japanese language group and she was a part of it as an outside friend (through me) with all my fellow students at our language school. Have barely spoken to them after the breakup, and they don't even know we've split up yet.

We used to go everywhere together/

SpiritSephiroth posted...

Damn I think I've done this to an extent.

We had a Japanese language group and she was a part of it as an outside friend (through me) with all my fellow students at our language school. Have barely spoken to them after the breakup, and they don't even know we've split up yet.

We used to go everywhere together/

I mean, I dont shut out friends and family. I just mean Ive accepted that relationships of the romantic type were never meant for me and distance myself from anything even remotely to do with them.

The only reason I had that previous relationship to begin with anyway was because she had self esteem problems and I gave her support. It had nothing to do with me being relationship material. Accidents like that dont happen twice.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah those places feel like they're just gonna bring the memories back. I don't want to forget the memories at all, but I also don't want to confront them.

It's one of the many reasons why I'm moving to Japan. Fresh start out of being frozen in time here in London, with all these memories.

Maybe one day I'll confront them and fully move on.

I was with a woman for 8 years, took me at least 2 years to just feel normal in general again

It takes time, but you get over it.

Its harder if you keep in contact with them.

Basically, you need to let your mind reboot itself, and it will only do that by adding new memories, and not letting the ex back in to stop the progress.

It sucks. I thought it would be impossible, but one day, i juSt got tired of it never ending, so i stopped with the ex. It happened when i stood up to her for sending me mixed messages. When i did this, she blew up at me, and i knew it was toxic.

Dark_Arbron posted...

I mean, I dont shut out friends and family. I just mean Ive accepted that relationships of the romantic type were never meant for me and distance myself from anything even remotely to do with them.

The only reason I had that previous relationship to begin with anyway was because she had self esteem problems and I gave her support. It had nothing to do with me being relationship material. Accidents like that dont happen twice.

Sorry to hear that. I think I felt that way too at one point.

Now I'm thinking maybe if I tried to move on and find someone even better for me, it'll help me move past it as well as be happier as a person.

But its all maybes.

My last relationship was 11 years. I found an effective way to get over it was have a few months filled with casual sex, then move to the other side of the planet. Sorted me right out.

metralo posted...

I was with a woman for 8 years, took me at least 2 years to just feel normal in general again

I'm glad you found a way to move on.

_____Cait posted...

It takes time, but you get over it.

Its harder if you keep in contact with them.

Basically, you need to let your mind reboot itself, and it will only do that by adding new memories, and not letting the ex back in to stop the progress.

It sucks. I thought it would be impossible, but one day, i juSt got tired of it never ending, so i stopped with the ex. It happened when i stood up to her for sending me mixed messages. When i did this, she blew up at me, and i knew it was toxic.

I don't speak to her anymore. We haven't said a word to each other since the breakup.

The whole new memory thing definitely makes sense.

I'm happy you got past it yourself. Hopefully when I move it'll help make the new memories.

Ive been mindful not to let my experience creep into an overall mistrust of women in any capacity. Hasnt been an issue so far, Im just aware that lots of people after break ups can let their experience grow into sweeping contempt or hatred, irrational as it may be.

It was an active effort to not completely break down for like 2 years, which I mostly failed, but I didn't stay down. Helps that I met my current girl fairly quickly. Before we started dating, she was an excellent friend.

Credit to my own wisdom, I recognized that shutting down and shutting everyone out was a bad idea, no matter how badly I wanted to give up on life.

Guide posted...

It was an active effort to not completely break down for like 2 years, which I mostly failed, but I didn't stay down. Helps that I met my current girl fairly quickly. Before we started dating, she was an excellent friend.

Credit to my own wisdom, I recognized that shutting down and shutting everyone out was a bad idea, no matter how badly I wanted to give up on life.

Yeah I hear you. There are so many ways I can think of moving on, just need to get up and do it.

SpiritSephiroth posted...

Yeah I hear you. There are so many ways I can think of moving on, just need to get up and do it.

Like I said, moving to another country sorts it right out.

Glob posted...

My last relationship was 11 years. I found an effective way to get over it was have a few months filled with casual sex, then move to the other side of the planet. Sorted me right out.

How does one acquire this sex?
I've been in a funk for a while and kinda reason that this would help me. Strippers kinda help.
I'm over my ex, but i guess maybe I'm not over myself. She broke me, so I don't pine for her, but I do want to be desired by anybody...well, a female at least.

pedro45 posted...

How does one acquire this sex?
I've been in a funk for a while and kinda reason that this would help me. Strippers kinda help.
I'm over my ex, but i guess maybe I'm not over myself. She broke me, so I don't pine for her, but I do want to be desired by anybody...well, a female at least.

I hooked up with several ex-colleagues. I went to a couple of weddings in that time as well, one of which in particular was pretty handy on that front. Those approaches combined with what I could pick up in bars left me pretty well-satisfied.

Yeah, that's gonna happen. It took me a year to get over only a one year relationship, so you'll definitely be in pain for a while. I'd say to try to surround yourself and spend time with loved ones and friends, maybe try to travel so you can be somewhere without memories of her. Engage with old or start new hobbies.

Glob posted...

I hooked up with several ex-colleagues. I went to a couple of weddings in that time as well, one of which in particular was pretty handy on that front. Those approaches combined with what I could pick up in bars left me pretty well-satisfied.

That's my issue, i don't drink. So many people recommend bars and it's just weird. I'll buy people drinks but there's like always a deal with me just having a sprite. DDs don't seem to exist out here...

TC, take a year to work on yourself. Jumping right in to another relationship removes the loneliness certainly, but the year I took off of dating helped me.

I focused on what and where I wanted to be...and if there would be a partner beside me or not.

No quick tips, it just takes time. I had to really learn to live just for me again. It doesn't mean I'm closing myself off from anyone, only that whatever I do has to suit my interests.

The hardest part is not regretting the time we spent. It took years, but I look back on those memories with fondness. Regardless of what happened, I was genuinely happy. Things are different now, but it doesn't change that I was happy. It also doesn't mean it can't happen again. If it's not meant to be, it means there's probably someone else out there instead. Start looking again once you feel ready.

reincarnator07 posted...

No quick tips, it just takes time. I had to really learn to live just for me again. It doesn't mean I'm closing myself off from anyone, only that whatever I do has to suit my interests.

The hardest part is not regretting the time we spent. It took years, but I look back on those memories with fondness. Regardless of what happened, I was genuinely happy. Things are different now, but it doesn't change that I was happy. It also doesn't mean it can't happen again. If it's not meant to be, it means there's probably someone else out there instead. Start looking again once you feel ready.

I cant have the same attitude towards it. I thought I was happy but in hindsight I had compromised on a lot of things and settled for less than I could have had.

The knowledge of that makes the breaking up part easier but the feeling of wasted time is immense.

What actually impacts me is the prospect of being alone most likely

I had a 12 year relationship end at the end of 2019.
Time will help you get over things. Don't dwell on the relationship, move on, mute them on socials - following what they're doing will only effect you negatively. Focus on YOU.
If you have people in your life you can confide in with what you're going through, that helped me out a lot, but try to not overwhelm them. If you have access to therapy through work benefits or something like that - or even just paying out of pocket if you can afford it - it will help A LOT - and it might take a bit of trial and error to find the right person. For me its been 4 years and i still see my therapist even when i "dont need to", its just a good check in to get things off your chest.
Try to keep vague social media posts to a minimum or a zero - im very proud of the fact that i never put out a "woe is me" post - i'd seen other guys do it over the years and it made me consciously thing "if i ever end up single again, i dont want to look like that".
lots of rambling there, and it is very difficult while youre going through it, but today i feel like so much more of a complete person after going through such a traumatic experience.

Yeah, I had a similar scenario (5 year relationship, engaged, cohabitated). In the short term it's gonna suck. But eventually and slowly, you'll be ready to open up with someone like you did with your ex.

Yes, a lot of haunts y'all went to together are going to be oddly reminscient for a while. And music that was somewhat shared hits different. There was a night like 4 months after the breakup, hanging out with some friends at a bar, where the dude doing karaoke did one of "our" songs and I just started balling and left the bar and cried on the curb for a little bit.

There was a fair amount of introspection, too. Like, things I should've picked up on prior to the break up, or things I should've done or said differently. I blamed myself for a lot of it. But, through either honest logic or wishful thinking, I eventually came to the realization that even if I did all the things perfectly on my end, they still did X, Y, and Z. They had their flaws, too, and the overwhelming likelihood is we would've broken up regardless. I chalked it up as a series of "lessons learned" and applied them to my future (and better) relationships.

Also for me there were some wild vacillations regarding sex. The validation was nice but there was a month where I had like 20 partners. And then there was a month where it was 0.

I felt I was ready to legit date again a little after 6 months, but that's an above average timeline. You'll be ready when you're ready, lol. And even then, I might've used these dates to still get further over the ex. Which wasn't fair to the people I was one date(s) with, but to be fair those people also used me to a small extent. People are weird.

Yeah breaking up is hard to do.

Honestly, I took a while to fully let go. My ex and I have a kid together, so I still saw her. Every week, she'd drop our son off at my place, I'd put him to sleep in his crib, then we'd end up having sex. That continued for several months after the breakup. Eventually we stopped, but I didn't start actively dating again for a few years.

But I never had that pain of different things reminding of her, because I can't fully cut her out of my life due to co-parenting.

My ex and I were together for almost 10 years and we broke up 5 years ago. I've been with my new girlfriend for 1.5 years now and it's a much more stable relationship. I'm much happier with her than I ever was with my ex.