Current Events > fuck i really need to go sort my anger issues

(+) Yeah! (+)

That, my pride, my hubris to be exact will probably what will end me.

Its awful. In a,bad day i can lash out because some minor stupid stuff and in the way hurt people that almost hsve nothing to do with it.
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I just dont know how to do this. I have visited pshychiatrist and counselin multiple times since childhood till early late teen.

Nothing work. The way my personality is, i am a fucking hard shell to crack. Not even myself or anyone else could crack it.

My anger episodes, at its best surprise people because my normal me is just like a normal human being, easygoing, decently sociable person, nothin stand out, just a normal nerdy guy doing his stuff. Some people were surprised of what i do when angry.

At its worst, it takes me to a dark, dark place. A place filled with pure rage and malice and no human being should ever be in. It is a place where nothing matter, only this eternal fusion of rage and hatred like a star being a relatively forever nuclear explosion.

So far, my desire to live normally, meet with friends, play videogames, read books, watch tv and see places that i love keep those thoughts from action, but i am,so afraid that one day, just one very bad day (okay i read the killing joke and at first didnt intend to reference or quote it till i realize it) i will just snap and cannot ever going back.

So far i have learnt to live with the monster inside me, but its like living with a lion, you may tame it and befriend it to some degree, but in a,situation of survival and life and death, it will forget about you and probably eat you.

I think i can keep going like this, just that keeping on living means i am a living ticking bomb that may or may not explode.

And no, i am not suicidal in any form. I like living, i want to live. My biggest fear is not that i am a threat to myself, but other people.
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I probably can get modded from this, but just to give people perspective, one of my violent episode fantasy ( and really, this one is considered one of the tamest one )

is i want to throw someone off a glass window and then stab them to mush with with every shard of glass that i can grab hold to.

And yeah, this is,one of the tamer one. I myself cannot understand why my mind could conjure and whisper me the images of those horror like that. It is when thr monster lock up the human and take the wheel for a moment.
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Sorry for venting stuff like this, i had a bad day and really need to vent. I am not too much an open person that no one i know that i trust enough to talk about this.

It is still really unlikely that i will act upon my dark thoughts, but i find posting in placee like here, where nobody knows my name is a,good way to vent. You know, letting some steam off and this is a form for me to to keep the cages strong. Doesnt matter if anyone read or post or reply. I just need to get it out in some way discreet enough.

Thanks
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