Board 8 > Name a DC or Marvel character and I will rate them.

(+) Yeah! (+)

If you do not name a DC or Marvel character, then we're done. I don't know what else to say. You and I? We're over. You can pack your shit and move the fuck out, posthaste.

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Livewire

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the mother fucking Riddler

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Onomatopoeia

Since I can spell his name right now after some help and I probably would not be able to tomorrow.

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Mogo

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HanOfTheNekos posted...

Livewire

The reason why Rainbow Raider is better than Livewire is that Livewire never was able to find the kind of comics success that Rainbow Raider lives in. He lives in money every damn day. All he does is win. What does Livewire do? She uses protein gel to spike her hair like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. And cobalt blue costuming? Are we all just copying Superman Blue? Are we in love with the mid-90s fountain of edge that produced such abominations as Rob Liefeld's Cable, Rob Liefeld's Youngblood, and Rob Liefeld's Rob Liefeld? Lightning and blue streaks, and a V-neck costume. Have you seen that goddamn V-neck? It's the most jaggedy raggedy-ass lightning bolt I've seen this side of stripper Billy Batson. And Billy Batson shouldn't be stripping. Ever. That little boy is a child. He is a child! And because of this desire to court this weird fetish for static cling lightning fuckery, Livewire ranks below Rainbow Raider.

Rating: Below Rainbow Raider

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Mingus

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ScareChan posted...

the mother fucking Riddler

Eddie Nashton carries himself with a certain amount of panache, a certain ineffable je ne sais quoi, that makes him the baddest brain in the building. Incapable of taking Ls, the Riddler rolls and bowls with the best of them, soaring higher than a 2009 Tim Tebow on the back of his adoptive father Urban Meyer. I lived most of my life knowing only two truths: one, that omelettes are bland without seasoning, and two, that Riddler could take Batman in a battle of wits any time, anywhere, no items, one stock, Final Destination. So lube up that domino mask, Eddie, because you are the most brain fuckable god of intellectual ecstasy that ever knotted up a question mark tie. He's like the James Spader of DC Comics. Indomitable, frightening, and perfect.

Rating: A

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WickIebee posted...

Onomatopoeia

Since I can spell his name right now after some help and I probably would not be able to tomorrow.

A man of many words. Of course, most of them were sired by the editing room of the 1966 Batman series, which makes Onomatopoeia a mixed grab bag of fab vocab. Onomatopoeia has to be the greatest invention ever spawned from the mind of Kevin Smith, partially because it saves us from the terrible scriptwriting sired by Kevin Smith. Imagine if Chasing Amy was comprised entirely of "Biff" and "Pop". Ten out of ten film, mediocre at best, pack up the Oscar cheese wheel baskets, we're taking home an Affleck pity trophy tonight. Onomatopoeia could win all of the awards, make all of the speeches, and still leave us wanting more. More, as in a few verbs, an article or two, maybe a preposition.

Rating: Circles

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Moon Knight

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WarThaNemesis2 posted...

Mogo

Mogo is a planet Green Lantern. A frigging planet. That's larger than four billion Rainbow Raiders. It's wider than 23,000 miles of Rainbow Raider's goggles stretched end-to-end. The weight of Mogo is roughly three trillion Rainbow Raider-colored galoshes. This is a big motherfucker. But more importantly, this is a kind planet. A hearty, jovial planet always good for a prank or two, such as altering your local moon's gravitational field, sending it spiraling into your sun, just to ruin your day of surfing fun on the Pacific pipeline. What a ribber, that Mogo. At least, he was until someone lit his ring on fire, burning the only source of oxygen for his ecosystem.

Rating: Texa$

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Ultimate Jessica Drew

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Punchline

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And now I want to see James Spader play Riddler.

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Zigzagoon posted...

Mingus

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Mingus flies like a cat.

In the history of Vertigo, there are cats and dogs, there are lions and tigers, there are abjectly horrific mutant cannibal cows and sensuous hippopotamuses who seduce unsuspecting singing bushes. But there's only one flying feline, and he's a particularly fictitious flying feline at that. From a book within a book comes little Tommy Taylor's Hedwig du jour, the familiar to our dashing faux Potter. And as such, you have to respect Mingus' ability to continue to exist in the face of the consistent knowledge that he's a storybook character from a book within a book. That takes some mojo to really swing his sort of nonexistence. A certain inescapable will to kind of exist. Rainbow Raider would be impressed.

Rating: Flash Gordon.

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Rot Lop Fan

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ChichiriMuyo posted...

Moon Knight

Do you like Marc Spector? Too bad. This post is about Steven Grant. Wait, you thought this post was about Steven Grant? Ha, you jackass, feast your eyes on Jake Lockley. And just when you thought it was safe to expect a post about Jake Lockley, we're back to Marc Spector again. The multiple personality stricken Moon Knight is a testament to how easy it is to make a character so practically perfect in every way that even current Marvel editorial can't fuck him up with the constant title reboots that permeate its line like a persistent, aggressive case of creative herpes. Moon Knight writers come and go, but his character is fine-tuned to precise perfection, able to dive into the heady depths of mental health just as easily as Moon Knight can immerse himself in street level vigilantism, all while dressing like a sexy undead albino.

Rating: 5

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Jean-Paul Valley

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HanOfTheNekos posted...

Ultimate Jessica Drew

Let's say you clone Peter Parker, but you make him a girl. You've got Ultimate Jessica Drew, a rarely-used Spidery supporting castmate that is somehow better, smarter, and cooler than Peter Parker ever will be. Ever could be. Ever should be, and hopefully the House will pass HR 341, making it illegal to even attempt to make a cooler webhead than the redhead femweb that turned the Clone Saga from bad to rad in about three pages. I'll never get over how much a gender swapped Petey actually worked better for the character than Petey himself ever did, and the bizarre introduction only added to the spicy flavor that turned that bag of dicks into a bag of Doritos. Thanks Ultimate Doc Ock, for making our dreams come true.

Rating: Yes

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Snake5555555555 posted...

Punchline

You know what we need to do more often? Sexualize the Joker. The Joker should be the Annie Edison of the Bat-Family. The editing group should endeavor to prevent the rest of the company from ever turning him into this boring blase ho-hum icon of domesticity, keeping every stay-at-home covid nerd occupied with visions of murder and sugar plums dancing in their heads as they fantasize about little Mary Mayhem and her emo-murder clown get-up getting it on with Jared Leto and his try-hard mail-a-dead-dog-to-your-castmates wannabe Clown Prince of Wristslitting. Give us some wholesome villainy, like the Rainbow Raider trying to steal the formula for Skittles. That's the kind of Grade-A excellence that helps keep the world going round.

Rating: Pizza Pie

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Murphiroth posted...

Rot Lop Fan

Yo, fuck your brightest days and your blackest nights. My boy Rot Lop Fan has got his swinging F-Sharp Bell at the ready, and he's going to rock all your Green Lantern hopes and dreams to smithereens as he bops the hippest tunes and jivest jives imaginable in this, that, or any universe you could ever dream. What? you ask. A Green Lantern that's not a Green Lantern? Listen, you goddamn ableist, blind species need their emerald heroes to swoop in and thwart the extraterrestrial threats that plague our universe too, like Mogo shifting your moon's orbit as a goof. Thankfully, the blind Lantern himself has a bell for all seasons, and we can take heart in the knowledge that if you ever hear any f-sharp, there's likely a sightless alien nearby, defending you from the threats you'd have to see to believe.

Rating: 100%

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Fastbreak posted...

Jean-Paul Valley

Hey there, cats and kittens. Let me tell you about the hero Gotham deserves. Not the one that it thinks it needs, that pansy-ass Bat flying around with his utility belt comprised of self aggrandizing gadgets sporting his brand in an attempt to commercialize the act of saving lives. No, this is Azrael, the fiery advocate for a burning justice - a man who will gut you for even looking at Jim Gordon the wrong way, all in an effort to bathe the streets with the blood of the impure. Sure, he's a raving madman programmed by a cult to believe he's a newly-arisen messiah-type with a hankering for overly aggressive brutality, but he's OUR raving madman programmed by a cult to believe he's a newly-arisen messiah-type with a hankering for overly aggressive brutality. Hell, Bane might still be practicing unlicensed chiropractics on unsuspecting boomer heroes if Azrael didn't swing into action, putting the mucha lucha steroid abusa on ice for a few years after their final kerfuffle. So what if he stabs, maims and kills a few hundred Gothamites in the process? It's just the price of doing business.

Rating: 84/100

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Magneto

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That was just too perfect.

Faceless Hunter

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Kyle Rayner


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Rip Hunter

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The Right Honorable Judge Harvey Dent

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John Cooper Hawksmoor


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Mysterio

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Lex Luthor

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Siryn

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Sportsmaster

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Mantis

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Mole Man

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Lockjaw

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Batgirl

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White Rabbit (Spiderman)

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Nova

And surely you know I mean Richard Rider

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Plastic Man

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hellagood16 posted...

Magneto

So there's this guy right? Tall guy, white hair. Our guy spent years in a camp. Not the summer kind where you learn to play French Horn either. Had a rough go of it. Our guy gets out, decides Hey! Let's not do that again. Ever. And for the rest of his life, he crusades against internment camps. Eventually he hits it off with a girl. Nice girl, brown hair, a little peasant-y but hey, pobody's nerfect, right? They squirt out a couple'a kids. Guy decides, you know what? Kids are fine, but I'm really more interested in using these powers I've slowly been amassing to terrorize the governments of the world in order to protect the defenseless. The voiceless. The different. And in the process of that, he ends up, by and large, abandoning his kids, leaving his girl, and essentially becoming the Father of the Year, if the criteria is horrifically screwing up your children and becoming the definition of a career-focused absentee dad. So yeah, from your son Pietro, fuck you Max Eisenhardt.

Rating: Medium Rare

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Snake5555555555 posted...

That was just too perfect.

Faceless Hunter

The thing about Rainbow Raider is that, while sure, he's got the goggles disguising his eyes, you can still get a bead on the motherfucker. You know what he's thinking. You can get a sense of his feelings. With the Faceless Hunter, Chun Yull (one of the greatest alien names in the history of alien names) just comes across as emotionless. Is it creepy? No. It's low-effort. Onomatopoeia, Deadshot, Deathstroke, lotta folks are well-versed in the full face obfuscation. But it takes a real man, like Rainbow Raider, to step out from behind the masculine notion of hiding one's emotions to lay it all on the line. Chun Yull lives in this antiquated world where men can't be open and honest about their feelings. It leads to toxic bad behavior, like attempting to capture superheroes for bounties. Don't be like Chun Yull. Be like Rainbow Raider.

Rating: Less Out of Face

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Jesse_Custer posted...

Kyle Rayner

Hey, K-Ray all day, baybay. I dig the tortoise mask. Hell, I practically reared myself on early 2000s comics. Kyle is my Green Lantern spirit animal. Sure, he doesn't have the ability to overcome great fear, but who does? Hal Jordan? They guy who let a fear entity propel him into untold heights of paranoia and destruction? Screw him. Kyle is the sensitive artist type. The kind of guy who has to step out of a nightclub to get some air and recall his existential value in the known universe because he lost out on a gig doing a few strips of Marmaduke. Kyle's unbridled creativity makes him the greatest Lantern. Is there a flood rushing at your house? Hal Jordan would just make a giant wall to divert it. Snoozer! Great, Hal. You saved my house, but you bored me to death. Give me Kyle, a guy who slings his ring with some pizzaz. My house will be saved thanks to a giant emerald head using a gargantuan sippy straw to suck up the excess river overflow cruising for a residential bruising. Now that's the kind of hero I want watching my back.

Rating: Green

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These write-ups are great.

Tommy Monaghan

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Saint Walker

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Quicksilver

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Microchip

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Rainbow Raider

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Scarlet Spider (Ben Reilly version)

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Cassandra Cain

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