Current Events > Has anyone ever been engaged, then broken it off?

(+) Yeah! (+)

What reason did you break it off for? How far along in the process did you get? What was the dynamic between you and the person like afterwards?

I always thought it must be weird breaking off an engagment.


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I was engaged to a cross eyed woman, broke it off cause it was getting weird looks

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R1masher posted...

I was engaged to a cross eyed woman, broke it off cause it was getting weird looks

This isn't funny. People with amblyopia shouldn't be the butt of jokes.

Sunhawk posted...

I always thought it must be weird breaking off an engagment.

It's one of the most awkward situations I've ever had to deal with in my life.

My ex and I broke up literally weeks before we were planned to get married. We broke up on the 20th of December only days before spending the holidays with her family.

It made for an extremely awkward family gathering and that was only the start. Having to explain to family and mutual friends that things went sour, without really wanting to get into why was the worst.

That's besides having tons of baggage between the two of us, resulting in years of therapy for both myself and my ex.

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I did.

I was with my ex for a total of 4 years. After 3, we got engaged. 1 year later, I broke off the engagement / broke up with her because I couldn't see myself being happy with her for the rest of my life. This was right before we were supposed to move out of state together (she ended up still moving). We split up our belongings (TVs, Computer, PS4, Furniture, money, etc). She got the 2 cats. Then, we never talked again. Then I spent the next 1-2 years getting over the relationship. Easily the hardest decision I ever had to make and one of the most painful periods of my life.

The real lesson learned was not to move in with someone after only dating for 7 months when you're both in your early 20s, because we both later acknowledged we would've ended the relationship in the first year if we weren't living together.

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JoeThe12th posted...

This isn't funny. People with amblyopia shouldn't be the butt of jokes.

maybe you should mark my post and block me

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Wii_Shaker posted...

Having to explain to family and mutual friends that things went sour, without really wanting to get into why was the worst.

This part sucks. Each of my family and friends wanted a run down on how the relationship ended. Instead of telling the same story each time, I started using these opportunities as free therapy to talk about our issues.

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Joker98 posted...

This part sucks. Each of my family and friends wanted a run down on how the relationship ended. Instead of telling the same story each time, I started using these opportunities as free therapy to talk about our issues.

It's true what they say about finding out who your true friends are when you are down and out. I was forced to move out and relocate after the break-up and spent the first part of last year homeless and jobless. It took it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. If I didn't have good friends to help me put the pieces of my life back together, it would likely still be in shambles.

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Wii_Shaker posted...

It's true what they say about finding out who your true friends are when you are down and out. I was forced to move out and relocate after the break-up and spent the first part of last year homeless and jobless. It took it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. If I didn't have good friends to help me put the pieces of my life back together, it would likely still be in shambles.

I'm glad it all worked out okay for you! That sounds really tough. Sorry you had to go through that

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Question for anyone,

What made you realize that you wouldn't be happy marrying this person? Can you describe the sadness of the breakup? What type of relief did you feel over the break up?

I've been with my girlfriend about two years now and I'm trying to figure out what to do here. I like her a lot, but idk if I like her enough to spend the rest of my life with her.

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mattymad posted...

She proposed to me and I was trapped in to saying yes. She had moved me to a new area. I had no friends or family near by. I didn't want to say yes. I think my actual answer was, "err... Okay, I guess?"

That's crazy. My ex did the same thing, pressuring me into getting engaged and moving me clear across the state. She also couldn't hold a job and I was expected to fund the relationship in a new and strange location. You obviously made the right choice by breaking the relationship. I'm glad you are out of that abusive situation.

Joker98 posted...

I'm glad it all worked out okay for you! That sounds really tough. Sorry you had to go through that

Thanks. I appreciate it. 2020 has been a shit year for everyone but coming hot off the heels of the worse year of my life, it almost feels like a cakewalk to me in comparison.

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mattymad posted...

Thanks. It's insane looking back I let it get as bad as it did or that I was with her for so long (4-5 years). I was the bread maker there too. I did all the chores, cooking, etc. She would just spend her money on booze/cigs.

She would go through phases of being good. Paying her share of things, etc and being nice. Then she'd become a total *****. I genuinely think she's bipolar and/or psychopathic. She had zero empathy and a god complex to boot.

Some nights I wouldn't be able to sleep as I would have this feeling of impending doom just from being with her - but she'd convinced me she'd get better. She'd convinced me she would take her life if I left, etc. I bought that **** for years.

Typing it all out makes me realise how stupid/crazy the whole thing was.

What initially drew you to her?

TommyG663513 posted...

Question for anyone,

What made you realize that you wouldn't be happy marrying this person? Can you describe the sadness of the breakup? What type of relief did you feel over the break up?

I've been with my girlfriend about two years now and I'm trying to figure out what to do here. I like her a lot, but idk if I like her enough to spend the rest of my life with her.

If you're unsure if you want to marry her or not, you can always wait and see. You might think 2 years is enough time to tell, but sometimes it's not and that's ok. For me, a lot changed from 2 years to 4, and it's the same for a lot of people. Just wait it out and don't do anything you aren't 100% sure about.

For me, a big indicator was that I knew there were certain elements missing from the relationship that I needed and I kept finding myself day dreaming about who my perfect match would be, and it wasn't the person I was with. I also would find myself talking to girls who I liked more than my fiance.


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shockthemonkey posted...

Probably for the best, I hear she was seeing someone on the side

lmao
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Joker98 posted...

If you're unsure if you want to marry her or not, you can always wait and see. You might think 2 years is enough time to tell, but sometimes it's not and that's ok. For me, a lot changed from 2 years to 4, and it's the same for a lot of people. Just wait it out and don't do anything you aren't 100% sure about.

For me, a big indicator was that I knew there were certain elements missing from the relationship that I needed and I kept finding myself day dreaming about who my perfect match would be, and it wasn't the person I was with. I also would find myself talking to girls who I liked more than my fiance.

Yeah I find myself daydreaming about other girls a lot. My girlfriend is a lot of great things, but it really feels like something is missing. The biggest deal for me is that my girlfriend is super unathletic and even getting her to go onna 4-5 mile hike was difficult and she complained a lot and really soured the experience. Her enjoying some hiking with me was honestly a very low expectation and clearly not even that worked out. We are super incompatible on that front. I played sports all of my life and I still do and she only ever player softball in high school and quit after sophomore year.

The difficult part is that no one else has ever made me laugh like she does and that is the one trait I put above everything.

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TommyG663513 posted...

Yeah I find myself daydreaming about other girls a lot. My girlfriend is a lot of great things, but it really feels like something is missing. The biggest deal for me is that my girlfriend is super unathletic and even getting her to go onna 4-5 mile hike was difficult and she complained a lot and really soured the experience. Her enjoying some hiking with me was honestly a very low expectation and clearly not even that worked out. We are super incompatible on that front. I played sports all of my life and I still do and she only ever player softball in high school and quit after sophomore year.

The difficult part is that no one else has ever made me laugh like she does and that is the one trait I put above everything.

When you daydream about other girls, what are the aspects of the other girls that you like that your girlfriend doesn't meet? How specifically are they different? Physically, Emotionally, everything?

Is your girlfriend being unathletic the only reason you're feeling disconnected? How important is it that you do athletic activities with her? Maybe you can have friends that you do athletic things with? Not all relationships require both people to have all of the same hobbies. However, if it's so important that you two do athletic things together, then it may be a deal breaker for you and only get worse in time.


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mattymad posted...

Typing it all out makes me realise how stupid/crazy the whole thing was.

I mean, people will do some stupid/crazy things for what they perceive as love. Valuing relationships is not bad trait to have but sometimes we put the success of a toxic or incompatible relationship above our own happiness. There were obviously parts of the relationship that made you happy and parts that were detrimental to your happiness. It's complicated and if the choice were an easy one, you would have likely made the choice much sooner.


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Joker98 posted...

2 things stand out to me:
1) When you daydream about other girls, what are the aspects of the other girls that you like that your girlfriend doesn't meet? How specifically are they different? Physically, Emotionally, everything?

2) Is your girlfriend being unathletic the only/ the main reason you're feeling disconnected? How important is it that you do athletic activities with her? Maybe you can have friends that you do athletic things with? Not all relationships require both people to have all of the same hobbies. However, if it's so important that you two do athletic things together, then it may be a deal breaker for you and only get worse in time.

A lot of it is physical. I'm very attracted to athletic women. Especially women with muscle. I just don't feel as attracted to my girlfriend these days. I just don't want to have sex with her that bad. Most of the time I'd prefer to jerk off to porn of women I find much more attractive than her. She brings up the lack of sex and how she'd like more and I just kind of shrug it off. Sex can feel like a chore at times. It was great at first, but that has been steadily declining.

Being athletic is super important to me. I've always been an incredibly physically active person and she very much isn't. We went on a walk and I saw a couple biking together and I mentioned to her that I think that looks like it'd be fun to do together and she jokes that it'd only be fun if her bike was motorized and she could just sit there and do nothing. I was instantly filled with nothing else, but absolute disgust. That is an extremely offensive thing to say to me lol. I've ran half marathons and the girl I'm dating can't run a mile. I doubt she can even run half a mile honestly.

There have also been some issues with her family. Her dad was a huge dick to me and she was super forgiving of his behavior and it took a lot to convince her that yeah he was super rude. She keeps bringing up how much she wants us to get along and I'm like nope. Her dad is also a covid denier lite and general Republican. Honestly, the guy came off like a huge redneck to me. She comes from a small town a couple of hours outside of the city and I grew up in the suburbs so culturally there is a difference.

Honestly, it's very weird for me to be more left leaning than my girlfriend. She doesn't follow politics as much as me or at all really and kind of just accepts the majority of what I tell her. I can tell her political views have been moving more left as she has known me. I mean, she was never a right leaning person, but she was way more moderate.

I don't want to sound too negative here. She really makes me laugh a lot. We have a great rapport as far as joking around goes. We both love the same types of food and have similar taste in movies. I absolutely love her dog and he's become my dog too. I feel like I have a little family here.

It's just that my expectations have always been so low and my family kind of sucks so I've had such low expectations for any sort of relationship. I'm getting to the point of realized Ng that perhaps I should be expecting or hoping for more.

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TommyG663513 posted...

A lot of it is physical. I'm very attracted to athletic women. Especially women with muscle. I just don't feel as attracted to my girlfriend these days. I just don't want to have sex with her that bad. Most of the time I'd prefer to jerk off to porn of women I find much more attractive than her. She brings up the lack of sex and how she'd like more and I just kind of shrug it off. Sex can feel like a chore at times. It was great at first, but that has been steadily declining.

Physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. If you're losing attraction to her and she's noticing the lack of sex and it's an issue, that's going to lead to problems. You should be honest with her and communicate how you're feeling. Maybe there's something you can workout together to make the sex better - just don't be accusatory and bare in mind her feelings. If you don't feel like you can be open and honest within the relationship, that's an even bigger problem.

TommyG663513 posted...

Being athletic is super important to me. I've always been an incredibly physically active person and she very much isn't. We went on a walk and I saw a couple biking together and I mentioned to her that I think that looks like it'd be fun to do together and she jokes that it'd only be fun if her bike was motorized and she could just sit there and do nothing. I was instantly filled with nothing else, but absolute disgust. That is an extremely offensive thing to say to me lol. I've ran half marathons and the girl I'm dating can't run a mile. I doubt she can even run half a mile honestly.

I went to couples counselling and one of the things they taught us is the use of language when describing significant others. If the language is mild like "they're annoying" or "I feel uneasy about..." then the problem isn't that bad. But if the use of language is more like how you used it, "instantly filled with absolute disgust" then that indicates a serious, persistent problem, which I can also tell from reading your post. It sounds like that's a really polarizing topic for you. But also, maybe there's a creative solution. Maybe her bike can in fact be motorized. They do have electric bikes. Would that work for you? Maybe that would be a good compromise because she's still being a little athletic, but she doesn't have to exert that much energy? I also wonder why she's not wanting to exert energy. How is her diet? Does she have energy for other things? Is she depressed? Does she work a lot and just doesn't have time to be athletic?

TommyG663513 posted...

There have also been some issues with her family. Her dad was a huge dick to me and she was super forgiving of his behavior and it took a lot to convince her that yeah he was super rude. She keeps bringing up how much she wants us to get along and I'm like nope. Her dad is also a covid denier lite and general Republican. Honestly, the guy came off like a huge redneck to me. She comes from a small town a couple of hours outside of the city and I grew up in the suburbs so culturally there is a difference.

Her dad being a huge dick to you is a problem, but her not having your back is a bigger problem. It's good that she eventually came around and saw it your way though. It sounds like you and her dad are never going to get along, which will be a problem for her. How important is it for you to get along with him? I never got along with my ex's family and that was a huge problem for me because I really wanted a family to belong to that wasn't my own and knowing I couldn't find that within my ex's family was one of the reasons I knew the relationship was over.

TommyG663513 posted...

Honestly, it's very weird for me to be more left leaning than my girlfriend. She doesn't follow politics as much as me or at all really and kind of just accepts the majority of what I tell her. I can tell her political views have been moving more left as she has known me. I mean, she was never a right leaning person, but she was way more moderate.

It sounds like your girlfriend is fairly apathetic politically and is either adopting your views because she knows it's important to you and she wants to be close to you, or it could be that you have convinced her of these views and now they are her views as well. How important is it for you to be with someone who is politically active and aware?

TommyG663513 posted...

I don't want to sound too negative here. She really makes me laugh a lot. We have a great rapport as far as joking around goes. We both love the same types of food and have similar taste in movies. I absolutely love her dog and he's become my dog too. I feel like I have a little family here.

You're not sounding negative at all to me. You sound like someone who is being realistic about what they want out of a relationship and trying to figure out if all of your needs are being met. Regarding her making you laugh and having a great rapport, and liking the same foods and movies - my friends make me laugh and like the same movies as me, but I'm not in a relationship with them just because they make me laugh and like the same movies. When I broke up with my ex, I rationalized it with myself by saying that even though I loved her and we had a great time together sometimes, I loved my friends too and had a great time with them but I'm not in a relationship with all of my friends. It's also worth noting that one of the reasons I didn't break up with my ex sooner was that we had 2 cats together, but that's a bad reason to stay together (for the pets). It's like how unhappy couples stay together for the kids. Only you can decide if this is enough of a reason to stay with someone and if the pros outweigh the cons.

TommyG663513 posted...

It's just that my expectations have always been so low and my family kind of sucks so I've had such low expectations for any sort of relationship. I'm getting to the point of realized Ng that perhaps I should be expecting or hoping for more.

If you feel like you're settling, that's probably not the best sign in terms of whether or not you should stay in a relationship. How old are you? And what do your family / friends think about this girl? The people who know you best would have valuable input into whether or not she's the right girl for you.

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shockthemonkey posted...

Probably for the best, I hear she was seeing someone on the side

ha!

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mattymad posted...

, "I wish we could skin graft our bodies together so I can feel you all the time

Oh God this went from sweet to insane on the flip of a dime.

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More or less was engaged to my kids mom, but that went to the way side after she decided she wanted to fuck around.

Feels no different to me than a standard breakup, minus the child involvement, but we had a casual engagement, no actual marriage plans were set.

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Many times. There have been a lot of near misses.

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EndOfDiscOne posted...

Many times. There have been a lot of near misses.

Ever think maybe you're the problem?

mattymad posted...

Insanely attractive. Rocking body. Ticked every box of what my type is. She was funny, charming, cute but also adventurous. Insanely confident which I admired. A gamer girl (proper one, not a 'gamer gurl') with the same taste in music, games, etc as me.

None of that was a lie. She was all those things but also more. She was just hiding her true self, how she really thinks and feels.

Turned out a lot of her public persona is an act. She's actually full of hate and ego

Thanks for the very honest answer! Sorry you had to go through that

This topic has been surprisingly therapeutic.

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Joker98 posted...

Joker98 posted...

Physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. If you're losing attraction to her and she's noticing the lack of sex and it's an issue, that's going to lead to problems. You should be honest with her and communicate how you're feeling. Maybe there's something you can workout together to make the sex better - just don't be accusatory and bare in mind her feelings. If you don't feel like you can be open and honest within the relationship, that's an even bigger problem.

I went to couples counselling and one of the things they taught us is the use of language when describing significant others. If the language is mild like "they're annoying" or "I feel uneasy about..." then the problem isn't that bad. But if the use of language is more like how you used it, "instantly filled with absolute disgust" then that indicates a serious, persistent problem, which I can also tell from reading your post. It sounds like that's a really polarizing topic for you. But also, maybe there's a creative solution. Maybe her bike can in fact be motorized. They do have electric bikes. Would that work for you? Maybe that would be a good compromise because she's still being a little athletic, but she doesn't have to exert that much energy? I also wonder why she's not wanting to exert energy. How is her diet? Does she have energy for other things? Is she depressed? Does she work a lot and just doesn't have time to be athletic?

Her dad being a huge dick to you is a problem, but her not having your back is a bigger problem. It's good that she eventually came around and saw it your way though. It sounds like you and her dad are never going to get along, which will be a problem for her. How important is it for you to get along with him? I never got along with my ex's family and that was a huge problem for me because I really wanted a family to belong to that wasn't my own and knowing I couldn't find that within my ex's family was one of the reasons I knew the relationship was over.

Physical attraction for me honestly boils down to her carrying a bit of extra weight. I can't phrase it any more delicately than that. This also ties into her not being all that athletic and being super avoidant of physical activity. She can be pretty lazy at times. It really isn't as much her body as it is her whole attitude about it. Her comment about a motorized bicycle really filled me with disgust and I can't tolerate going along with that idea in any minor way. I just can't. This is definitely a big issue and it really dwarfs my other concerns although those still have some importance.

Her body and attitude definitely effect my attraction towards her, but part of it is we've been together for a couple years and our work schedules don't really leave a lot of great time for sex. I mean, I'm sure it can be improved upon if we make ourselves a bit more available and try some new things out to make it a little fresh.

So yeah I need to be upfront with her about this more, but I've made comments about it and it didn't go great. I'm sure I can find a way to communicate this better, but I just don't know how receptive she will be. I'm just a highly competitive and physically active person so it's really difficult for me to be understanding of what her perspective is on this.

When I say she makes me laugh, my friends don't make me laugh like that. No one has ever come close to making me laugh like she does. It really is a special trait that holds a lot of value for me.

Yeah the political stuff and the issue with her dad are more minor. Yeah she is resistant to both, but agreeable enough. I can especially understand her being hesitant to take my side over her dad's, because well it is her dad.

I wish I could get more of a family aspect from her, but it's fine. She's really close to her two gay uncle's and her grandma and they've all been really nice to me and I like them back. She just doesn't prioritize her dad nearly as heavily as them in terms of what she considers family.

I'm really not gonna pretend to be an expert here. The biggest thing I've learned from this is how little I understand all the facets of a relationship. We are both in by far our longest relationship with each other right now so neither one of us comes with a ton of experience.

I'm 31 and she is 28.

Had to delete some of your response to fit under the character limit.

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TommyG663513 posted...

Physical attraction for me honestly boils down to her carrying a bit of extra weight. I can't phrase it any more delicately than that. This also ties into her not being all that athletic and being super avoidant of physical activity. She can be pretty lazy at times. It really isn't as much her body as it is her whole attitude about it. Her comment about a motorized bicycle really filled me with disgust and I can't tolerate going along with that idea in any minor way. I just can't. This is definitely a big issue and it really dwarfs my other concerns although those still have some importance.

Her body and attitude definitely effect my attraction towards her, but part of it is we've been together for a couple years and our work schedules don't really leave a lot of great time for sex. I mean, I'm sure it can be improved upon if we make ourselves a bit more available and try some new things out to make it a little fresh.

So yeah I need to be upfront with her about this more, but I've made comments about it and it didn't go great. I'm sure I can find a way to communicate this better, but I just don't know how receptive she will be. I'm just a highly competitive and physically active person so it's really difficult for me to be understanding of what her perspective is on this.

When I say she makes me laugh, my friends don't make me laugh like that. No one has ever come close to making me laugh like she does. It really is a special trait that holds a lot of value for me.

Yeah the political stuff and the issue with her dad are more minor. Yeah she is resistant to both, but agreeable enough. I can especially understand her being hesitant to take my side over her dad's, because well it is her dad.

I wish I could get more of a family aspect from her, but it's fine. She's really close to her two gay uncle's and her grandma and they've all been really nice to me and I like them back. She just doesn't prioritize her dad nearly as heavily as them in terms of what she considers family.

I'm really not gonna pretend to be an expert here. The biggest thing I've learned from this is how little I understand all the facets of a relationship. We are both in by far our longest relationship with each other right now so neither one of us comes with a ton of experience.

I'm 31 and she is 28.

Had to delete some of your response to fit under the character limit.

So all things considered, you've mentioned that her physical appearance and lack of athletic ability are the two biggest factors. Generally you can't force people to change, especially if they don't want to, so I wouldn't expect her to suddenly become athletic. If this is a deal breaker for you, then I think you may have your answer.

When you started dating her, did you know she wasn't athletic? When did this become an issue? I could see why it would be hard to communicate this with her for multiple reasons: A) she's taken it poorly in the past, and B) It's a conversation that could potentially lead to you breaking up.

I imagine she has some idea that her lack of interest in athleticism is a problem that's affecting you and the relationship? Has she mentioned how she plans to address this before, or is she simply ignoring this issue altogether?

Does her ability to make you laugh outweigh the fact that she isn't athletic?

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