Board 8 > The Writing Academy Week 1 Judgment: Cookies for all.

(+) Yeah! (+)

more people need to post their rankings and especially critiques

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http://img.imgcake.com/saveusmariajpghy.jpg

I would, but I was disheartened by the lack of my story.

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Oh, I am one yet many.

From: Raka_Putra | #052
I would, but I was disheartened by the lack of my story.

Critiquing others is a good way to get better. Stop your moping and get to work, this is an academy not a pity party!

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Sir Chris
The Cult of Personality.

I'm so sad, I woke up at 2 a.m. to finish my story and I get nothing!

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Oh, I am one yet many.

You could just resend it and get people to critique it even if they know its you.

--
Sir Chris
The Cult of Personality.

Thank you for your kind consideration, but I'm not that confident anyway.

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Oh, I am one yet many.

up.

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Sir Chris
The Cult of Personality.

From: saveus_Maria | #051
more people need to post their rankings and especially critiques

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http://img.imgcake.com/mariapngsa.png

I AM STILL SO GRUMPY THAT NOBODY TOLD ME THIS WAS HAPPENING

DID YOU GUYS HAVE A THEME THIS WEEK OR SOMETHING

CAPS CAPS CAPS

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"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others." - Diogenes the Cynic

theme was 'cookies'

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http://img.imgcake.com/AceKilljoy/UsersaveusMariajpgyn.jpg

2
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1

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Commodore
http://i941.photobucket.com/albums/ad258/CommodoreTN/commbyfr0q.png

up again.

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Sir Chris
The Cult of Personality.

Needs more ranking

I must say though. A lot of the people who would do critiques are probably the ones who actually wrote stuff.

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Chrono1219

I'm writing, I'm writing!

Not that my critique is any good, but eh.

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Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

I'll critique tomorrow. Got too much going on today. Also I've only read the first three.

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Thanks Drak - http://img.imgcake.com/drakeryn/genesissagajpgat.jpg
You're such a kid! By fr0q. - http://img.imgcake.com/genirisjpgde.jpg

I'm more interested in critiques than rankings

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http://img.imgcake.com/drakeryn/catfightjpguj.jpg

Critiques have always been rare in these contests, even among people who actually participate (I say "even," but authors have been the only ones to ever critique, really). Most people lack the confidence to do it, or don't want to offend anybody, or are lazy, or forget, or whatever.

Take me, for instance. Lazy!

I might try to write something later though.

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Run, you pigeons! It's Robert Frost!

yeah, still. I'd make the argument that seeing your placement on some arbitrary ranking doesn't really help you improve as a writer, where reading and critiquing other submissions as well as being critiqued yourself will definitely help you improve (as long as you actually consider what other people are saying instead of making excuses about your work). in that sense, unless someone plans on critiquing I'm not sure why that person would even bother signing up.

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http://img.imgcake.com/mariapngam.png

Let it first be known that I'm the kind of guy that tolerates pretty much most genres and formats. And now, useless critiques:

10th place, Entry 7

ALL

MY

HATE

Seriously. In lieu of a story, it's a mish-mash of unfinished stories in an awkward framing to attempt to tie them all together. God. Also, where's the title?

9th place, Raka's entry

That's how much i hate 7, I'd put an entry i haven't seen yet that the author hates over it. Also, I'd like to point out that my guessing who wrote each piece has no bearing on how much i like each entry.

Ok, serious review time.

8th place, entry 8

I'm guessing... leo. Made me groan outloud as I read it, yet I'm sad to say I can name pretty much where everything in this piece came from. I am not an average man, however, so the references and in-jokes are detrimental to the story. Heck, I find them annoying. Anyway, typical written bad on purpose story, but it's not So Bad It's Horrible or Good, more like So Bad it's Meh. Didn't find any misspelled words, though I might have subconsciously skipped it. I dunno, I don't want to read it again. I loathe this format of storytelling, nothing worse than bad comedy. Makes me die a little inside.

7th place, entry 6

I'm guessing... Jeff Zero. God, paragraphs man. Nobody likes a Wall of Text. Couple of misspellings. Premise doesn't interest me, and the story does nothing to pull me into the story and make me go "Live, boys, LIIIIIIIIVEEEEEE!!!!". Last part of the ending seems unnecessary. So Average It's Meh.

We're out of the don't like it zone now.

6th place, entry 3

saveus_maria, obviously. One sentence seems... out of place, but references to b8 and FF3 aside, the entry passes my initial check. The story was... surprisingly okay, though it fell apart at the end. Ended way too easily. It's Above Average, but again, the ending leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

5th place, entry 9

I'm guessing... Genny. Spotted one misspelling. Story doesn't do anything for me, but I never liked pet pieces in text form. Also, info-dump at the end seemed... unnatural. Twist didn't make me want to check the story again and see the clues peppered throughout, or go ZOMG! Other than that, it's okay.

4th place, entry 5

Some of the word order seems jumbled up, though I could be wrong. Could use some paragraph spacing. Tearjerkers rarely get tears from me, so I can't really critique on that point. First two paragraphs seem like they can be condensed or something, seems like the cookies should be introduced faster. Which reminds me... not really feeling the "comfort" part in the comfort food. At least the story does interest me a bit.

3rd place, entry 4

Well now... this one actually got me interested. The format was pleasing to me, didn't find any mistake, and the story wasn't godawful like 8's (still feeling nothing inside though). It kinda just ended though. Feels like there could've been another paragraph to expand on it more. Other than that, liked it.

2nd place, entry 2

Eww, angst piece. Anyway, 3 times cutting off her thoughts should be the max in my opinion, it just got annoying afterwards. The entry did make want to find out why the woman is a mess though, so that's a plus. Format was okay, and didn't find any mistakes. Surprisingly, an angst story I don't hate. I liked it, in fact.

1st place, entry 1

Ahh, yes, the long-ass one everybody loathes but me. I pity the writer. Ugh, purple prose opening. Never liked purple prose. Other than that though... I like the story. I'm a sucker for this genre. Didn't find any mistakes... apart from being over the word count. I'm willing to let it go. Favorite entry, formatting aside.

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Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

I'll have mine up today. Of course this will naturally reveal which one I wrote but I think its more important to get critiques up when I have a break from exams

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Mobile Chrono1219

Okay. Rankings at the end. Write ups in order

Entry 1
First off (and I might say this for everyone) is be careful not to mix tenses. You start with created, which is in the past, but then go into present tense. While there is some room for this, I've learned to try to avoid this habit. Something I've noticed is you tend to have the detective say what he's feeling a lot... avoid this. I mean I'm pretty sure this is kinda derived from the old detective noir genre where this thing is pretty common, so in that way I guess it's done pretty well, but action will almost always speak louder than words in a story. Finally, I have to agree with a consensus that it is very wordy. Adding flavor is fine, but a lot of stuff can be dropped/changed.

And she kissed me.

"Kiss is such a weak word. When our lips collided, the rest of the world melted away, my eyes falling shut of their own accord as a muffled moan slipped out from her. you can just drop or change."

Like here, I'd drop the entire part after she kissed me and put in something less wordy.

Entry 2
Just a small pointer.

" Inside, her mind was a tornado of thoughts, memories, experiences, confusion. A hurricane of emotions crashed through her, sending words and images to all corners of her mind.:

I understand the kind of thing you're going for here. But the two sentences are kind of redundant. This might be nitpicking, but generally if you can get the same basic thing from two sentences its safe to get rid of one.

"She knew the recipe by heart, of course. She'd learned it from her mother"
Here the "of course" just seems like extra you can drop. For one the reader does not know how obvious it is that she knows the recipe, and two you follow with that she learned it from her mother. IMO that's enough of a link.

The text flowed very well and stays pretty consistent throughout. It was kinda like... okay i know how to make cookies too you know, type thing going on. I really don't know whats going on with the characters though I mean it sounds like there was a fight or something and then a makeup, but it might have been something else.

Entry 3
Starting off the opening is very wordy. I'll repeat my advice, try not to be redundant.
"Those were dark times. Times that came after a time of great light. When the light was gone, that meant that only darkness remained. Ultimately, all that was left was darkness."

You can pretty easily drop the section I bolded.

Oh but

“CLOUD....”, I said.

She looked back at me, standing at the gates which led off of the school grounds.

She responded with a “...”

I literally loled at this part.

Other than that I guess there isn't really isn't a lot to say. It does end rather...easily.

Entry 4
Emma died... and I don't give a F***. Her death has literally no significance besides it makes the main character upset about cookies. Also, the back and forth nature (i'm pretty sure you're changing times here) is a little confusing since I can't pinpoint why you're even doing this in the first place. I guess another complaint would be in my mind if the MC has determined that Emma's cookies were special, why is he is continuing in trying to replicate them.

Entry 5
Jeff Zero, is this you? You did say you did yours in 20 minutes and some technical errors are apparent. Actually I have no clue who this is. It's decent how you tied the beginning to the end, even if it didn't feel liek it connected at first. However, I guess I would have liked to see more of a resolution or closure to what happened. Yeah he finds out being anti-social as a child turned into a problem, but what does he do with this information?

Rest coming up.

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Chrono1219
The beautiful genius who graduated from Harvard as a child and has an IQ of 1.3^googolplex.

Nope, I'm the uber-questionable #8. I can safely say that almost everything Pram pointed out was entirely intentional though, although...

I'm guessing... Jeff Zero. God, paragraphs man. Nobody likes a Wall of Text. Couple of misspellings. Premise doesn't interest me, and the story does nothing to pull me into the story and make me go "Live, boys, LIIIIIIIIVEEEEEE!!!!". Last part of the ending seems unnecessary. So Average It's Meh.

That's the one thing I didn't intend to have happen. And I daresay I'm an excellent speller. So I'm curious as to where my fingers slipped up!

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

Oh wait, I can hardly read on this giant screen, whoops.

No, I'm #8. And yeah, I'd say that was kind of intentional too, so this works!

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

yesss no spelling errors so good

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

anyone can comment, right

I hope so because

1 - At first I thought this was supposed to be some kind of elaborate genre parody, where you were trying to be as obnoxiously over-the-top as possible to make fun of detective story cliches. Then it occurred to me that you might actually be serious. Either way, it's painful to read.

2 - The part I like best is that the ending is somewhat understated -- you don't go into exposition on who the guy was, exactly what happened, etc. Others will probably disagree, but I like the ambiguity of it; the point is the emotion, not the details. The part I like least is the opening, because it's all DESCRIPTION OVERLOAD before you shift into the much more natural stream-of-consciousness style of the rest of the piece. (Though, to be fair, even that paragraph isn't as bad as most of the ones in #1.)

3 - maria x war otp
I don't "get" the title and first paragraph. Maybe you're going to tie it in to future entries, but for now it's just awkward. The rest is cute.

4 - "She died that year." This amused me because it was so sudden and so "who cares." Overall, the sister feels like a cheap plot device: she has to exist, so her cookies can exist, but she has to disappear, so she can't bake cookies any more. So you kill her off. But there's nothing to make the reader attached to her except for her brother's insistence that she's angelic and a good baker.

5 - This feels more like a page of notes for a longer story than an actual story in itself. You sketch out a basic outline: the kid is a jerk, the kid has no friends except for his grandparents, the grandparents die, with their death the kid has to learn to be responsible instead of being a jerk. But you don't fill in any of the details. The major development in the story, the kid's transition from jerk to non-jerk, is just tossed at the reader in a couple of sentences ("I stopped being such an ass after that" and the following sentence). You devote nearly equal time to the question of Macho Man vs. Hulk Hogan.

6 - This entry is the hardest to read because of complete lack of paragraphs, as well as poor grammar and spelling. Also, even after reading it twice, I still don't understand the premise. Two boys are traveling far from home, and then they randomly fall into a pit?

7 - Should've just gone with the Makai Kingdom fanfic. It was turning out a lot better than the other ideas.

8 - This would probably be funnier if I had watched any Gundam. Maybe. A few of the lines are amusing, but for the most part it just seems forced. Also, are the characters other than Bigpun supposed to represent board 8ers? It seems like they should (because it's really random having just one) but, if so, I can't figure it out.

9 - The whole genetic engineering thing is "what." I'm guessing you just wanted an excuse to have a bunch of girls in bikinis and their dogs swimming in cookies. Aside from that, it's pretty decent; the writing flows smoothly and the dialogue feels natural.

3 > 2 > 9 >> 4 > 8 > 5 >> 7 > 1 > 6


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You put your RESOLVE HAT back on, which conveniently is the same hat as your NORMAL HAT.
{Drakeryn}

Entry 7
Again I'd like to repeat try not to mix tenses in a story. Looked is in the past, but sees is an ongoing action. You're kinda good about this, but it's just something to watch out for. I find it's rare that people do it a lot, but it's an easy small thing that sneaks up on people. I'll be honest I'm unsure what happened. It's just too... I don't even know. It just moves so fast, characters are just there, please just write one thing.

Entry 8
Hello Jeff Zero.

First, I instantly think of James Bond. Good job with that "super-duper annoying" part, even if I didn't know who said it I could instantly guess it was some teenage girl. There is a LOT of dialogue in this one. Add in some more descriptions. I mean, half of your descriptions is like the narrator making a joke or being sarcastic about something... jokes i dont get. Oh but good job again with the Punnyz.

Entry 9
This is one of the only entries in a true traditional format and I appreciate that. I've harped on this before, but you all should know the golden rule of writing is "Show don't tell" so something like this

"Jennifer Cicero Saget had always been a perfectionist with two most unfortunate conflicting traits: she had great confidence in her own organizational and time management skills, but she was also one hell of a procrastinator."

You're telling us about Jennifer and her traits, but it would be much better if you could show these in action. I know this does add length... and work to a story and it can be difficult when dealing with a word limit, but showing helps build character much more.

This is the most readable of all the pieces, if a little generic. I OMGed though at the plot twist.

Also, if by now it's not obvious I wrote the terribly formatted #6. I did tell you I just wrote it without any editing at all. Normally I intended it to end differently because I'm not a fan of the deus ex machina ending, but I was tired and had a test the next morning. I was also originally intending on revealing the boys condition at the end. Fred is blind and Benny is deaf. This is why Benny never speaks except for some jarbled helps. It's also why Benny is always the one who instigates the searching around, and why there is touch associated with almost every action. I was going to have them fight a bear or something.

Rakings
6>9>2>3>5>8>4>7>1

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Chrono1219
The beautiful genius who graduated from Harvard as a child and has an IQ of 1.3^googolplex.

so you acknowledge the flaws and shortcomings in your own story, but you still think it was the best huh

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thelefty for analysis crew 2008 imo -tranny
I have a third degree burn in flame-o-nomics -Sir Chris

This is the awkward moment where I realize I wrote a story for this week's prompt but forgot to send it. "Woops." Ah what the hell, I'll try entering next week.

From: th3l3fty | #357
so you acknowledge the flaws and shortcomings in your own story, but you still think it was the best huh

Don't give me that especially when you don't harp on saveus maria for putting his in first without any self criticism on himself at all.

Also, even I don't really think mine was the best, I really do still have to rank it first since it's impossible to be objective about that. It's not like a really think any of this weeks entries are extraordinary or anything, my own included.

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Chrono1219
The beautiful genius who graduated from Harvard as a child and has an IQ of 1.3^googolplex.

Gatarix,

I wrote that in less than twenty minutes while drunk. I don't know man, you tell me. XD

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

Also, thanks Chrono. I didn't anticipate anyone remotely enjoying any aspects of the story but it's cool that a couple of people actually did!

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

I didn't harp on saveus_Maria putting his first because it was the best one!

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thelefty for analysis crew 2008 imo -tranny
I have a third degree burn in flame-o-nomics -Sir Chris

Huh, could have sworn leo was the only one who intentionally wrote a horrible one, so I pegged it as his. Well, doesn't matter who wrote it.

I just can't stand it.

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My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

I notice multiple people mentioned the first paragraph in mine

yeah, that was done intentionally. it's 8 bit fanfiction, I was making fun of the awful and nonsensical introductions in classic 8-bit RPGs. there's also a line toward the end 'I went to the outside' instead of 'I went outside' but apparently neither of these went over as well as I thought they would.

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http://img.imgcake.com/Rheine/saveusmariajpgat.jpg

also Chrono you know I legitimately believe my story is the best and I don't care about the rankings at all

can you truly say the same?

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http://i.imgur.com/u3Lpf.png

I want to read Haguile's and Raka's now.

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My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

I'm sad I missed this round due to school. My semester is over now though, so next round for sure! This is my solemn vow. And also I guess I might do some critiquing here?

... huh?

Then who was the one that kept insisting they wrote it bad on purpose?

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My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

From: Natwaf_akidna | #088
... huh?

Then who was the one that kept insisting they wrote it bad on purpose?

Me, because I did.

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

You can even ask Chris -- I wanted it submited under leisure as a joke entry but he told me I may as well enter seriously because half the entries before mine blew.

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

Ahh. Damn faulty memory.

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My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

whoever wrote Entry 7 seems to have bested you there, Jeff

and they didn't even have to try!

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http://img.imgcake.com/Wigs/saveusmariaJPGvy.jpg

From: saveus_Maria | #092
whoever wrote Entry 7 seems to have bested you there, Jeff

and they didn't even have to try!

It upsets me.

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

Should...should I be insulted right now?

From: leo3leo | #094
Should...should I be insulted right now?

I have no idea. Do you like to write intentionally bad stories?

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"Later..." <Toonami> <4/1/2012> <Never Forget> ~SCP~
http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png

I... thought I made it clear that the half-baked copy-pasta 7 was mine. Huh. You can't trump true godawfulness if you intentionally make it awful.

In any case, sorry leo >_<

No idea why your name popped up.

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My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

No worries. I was just confused, mostly!

keep in mind that the rules say that the rank you give your own story won't count.

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Sir Chris
The Cult of Personality.

Fred is blind and Benny is deaf. This is why Benny never speaks except for some jarbled helps. It's also why Benny is always the one who instigates the searching around, and why there is touch associated with almost every action.

This is kinda cool, though I would never have figured it out from reading through the story.


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You put your RESOLVE HAT back on, which conveniently is the same hat as your NORMAL HAT.
{Drakeryn}

And you shouldn't read it, Natwaf.

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Proud ValHellen x Maha_Bufudyne shipper.