Current Events > On a scale of 1-10 how bad should i feel for going through my gfs phone...

(+) Yeah! (+)

and finding out she's having sexual feelings towards a coworker, but says things to her friends like "Where was this shit when i was single? I need to live through someone vicariously."

But also things like "i had a super dirty dream about him and now every time i look at him that's all i think of. must repress sexual urges.. I want to sit on his face."



I know i really really shouldn't have gone through her phone. It just sucks because we've been kinda in a sexual rut lately and i find out it's apparently me that's the problem not her just not feeling it lately.
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nice
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0/10. I leave it up to an individual. Being a fuck buddy to a friend in a relationship.... I can't really blame the guy for being suspicious. However, you usually can tell sometimes.

you shouldn't have; not because it's bad to do it to her, but because now you're never gona be able to unsee that.

just end things imo.
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Break up wth her, If that wasn't obvious enough.

Turtlebread posted...

nice

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You should only feel bad if you don't find anything imo.

This information could end up saving your relationship
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Dump her ass. Don't be a cuckboy.
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Confront her. Post results
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Lost_All_Senses posted...

Confront her. Post results

Teddytalks posted...

Lost_All_Senses posted...

Confront her. Post results

I mean the only person who's actually acted on anything wrong is TC. Stuff like that happens, though she should probably be sharing her frustrations with her boyfriend and not just friends, or trying to remove herself from the work situation. But unless she actually does something people can't help their attractions.
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TC acting like he's never said shit like that to his buddies about random girls. It's just talk.
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I can't confront her I'd look like a shit head for going through her phone. Not even those texts really justify it because she was just talking to some girls. And I would probably talk to my guy friends about some girl at work the same way without expecting my girlfriend to see it.
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Doesn't really seem appropriate to apply a 1-10 scale on this behavior. On one hand, relationships are built on trust. I've never gone through my wife's phone and never will.

It really becomes a Pandora's box. Now, all interactions with your SO will be colored by this perception. Behavior will be read into further than what might actually be going on because of this underlying premise. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you start becoming more suspicious, it will only add strain, which may encourage her to pursue this other individual.

It is of my opinion that finding other people attractive, even being in a long term relationship, is normal human behavior. To expect otherwise is to be naive. However, a lot of relationships are built on exclusivity. From the information you've posted, your SO understands and respects this. I wouldn't necessarily assume she is or will cheat. But like itachi15243 mentioned, it's kind of up to you here. Perhaps try communicating with your SO more.

Why is the sex in a rut? Change in body habitus (to which, maybe you should go to the gym)? Has it become too routine/mundane (to which, maybe you should try doing something completely different with her sexually)? Are you no longer attracted to her (to which, the rut will likely always exist, which means you cannot blame her for feeling unsatisfied)?

These things need to be communicated. While it may not remove her attraction for this other individual, fixing the sexual side of things can certainly stabilize the relationship.

Again, having thoughts about others doesn't necessarily predict infidelity. Her confiding in her friends is probably a good sign. Certainly better than the alternative.

Don't listen to the neckbeards in this topic who say to cut and run. They don't know you or your relationship, and probably suck with women anyway. Granted, if it becomes a toxic relationship it doesn't mean you should continue to stay, but what I'm trying to say is you know the situation better than any one of us.

It really is all up to you.
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Soviet_Poland posted...

If you start becoming more suspicious, it will only add strain, which may encourage her to pursue this other individual.

Also this. I've seen this happen with friends where one was constantly paranoid and suspicious (for zero reason whatsoever) and the partner started talking to someone else (innocently, sorta, not actually doing anything) as an escape from the home situation.
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Things like this ruined my relationship and a lot of trust and faith is gone. Please forget about it and get her to talk in another way if she's the love of your life
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Trust isn't blind. It's based on transparency, asking questions and getting verifiable answers. This was something that was hidden from you, so she's the one who violated the trust. If you tell her truthfully that you were curious/suspicious and looked through her phone you will have been honest and kept up your side of the deal.
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RebelElite791 posted...

unless she actually does something people can't help their attractions.

Vyrulisse posted...

It's just talk.

LookANinja posted...

I would probably talk to my guy friends about some girl at work the same way without expecting my girlfriend to see it.

Soviet_Poland posted...

Her confiding in her friends is probably a good sign. Certainly better than the alternative.

Nothing wrong has been done so far except maybe a breech of trust with the phone snooping. It's up to you but I wouldn't just ditch my whole relationship over this.
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SpiralDrift posted...

This was something that was hidden from you, so she's the one who violated the trust

Someone is under no obligation to tell their partner about everyone they're attracted to. TC himself said he'd probably talk to his male friends about girls at work this way. The only person who's actually acted on anything to violate trust is TC.
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Soviet_Poland posted...

Doesn't really seem appropriate to apply a 1-10 scale on this behavior. On one hand, relationships are built on trust. I've never gone through my wife's phone and never will.

It really becomes a Pandora's box. Now, all interactions with your SO will be colored by this perception. Behavior will be read into further than what might actually be going on because of this underlying premise. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you start becoming more suspicious, it will only add strain, which may encourage her to pursue this other individual.

It is of my opinion that finding other people attractive, even being in a long term relationship, is normal human behavior. To expect otherwise is to be naive. However, a lot of relationships are built on exclusivity. From the information you've posted, your SO understands and respects this. I wouldn't necessarily assume she is or will cheat. But like itachi15243 mentioned, it's kind of up to you here. Perhaps try communicating with your SO more.

Why is the sex in a rut? Change in body habitus (to which, maybe you should go to the gym)? Has it become too routine/mundane (to which, maybe you should try doing something completely different with her sexually)? Are you no longer attracted to her (to which, the rut will likely always exist, which means you cannot blame her for feeling unsatisfied)?

These things need to be communicated. While it may not remove her attraction for this other individual, fixing the sexual side of things can certainly stabilize the relationship.

Again, having thoughts about others doesn't necessarily predict infidelity. Her confiding in her friends is probably a good sign. Certainly better than the alternative.

Don't listen to the neckbeards in this topic who say to cut and run. They don't know you or your relationship, and probably suck with women anyway. Granted, if it becomes a toxic relationship it doesn't mean you should continue to stay, but what I'm trying to say is you know the situation better than any one of us.

It really is all up to you.

There is nothing neckbeardy at all telling someone to end a relationship where their partner is expressing sentiments that they might cheat on them, and so candidly. It really reads like she is toying around with the idea instead of worrying of breaking the boundaries of their relationship. As you said, it is call for the TC to make, but at his point, if he is going through her phone, there isn't enough trust there to begin with, and for what he seen adequate reason for the lack of trust anyway. I already admitted by perspective is biased, and I hate for TC to be on the other end. It is shitty.

She didn't do anything wrong. If you want to break up with a girl because she finds someone else attractive then you're gonna be breaking up with a shit ton of girls. Be real and ask yourself if you've ever told your buds that a girl other than your girlfriend is hot.
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RebelElite791 posted...

SpiralDrift posted...

This was something that was hidden from you, so she's the one who violated the trust

Someone is under no obligation to tell their partner about everyone they're attracted to. TC himself said he'd probably talk to his male friends about girls at work this way. The only person who's actually acted on anything to violate trust is TC.

Yeah. Being attracted to other people is human. The fact she wants to live vicariously through her friends makes her more trustworthy than most people I know.

Sucks that you guys are in a rut, but this is neither indicative of a cause or a symptom. I have a pretty healthy sex life and am attracted to quite a few other women.
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RebelElite791 posted...

SpiralDrift posted...

This was something that was hidden from you, so she's the one who violated the trust

Someone is under no obligation to tell their partner about everyone they're attracted to. TC himself said he'd probably talk to his male friends about girls at work this way. The only person who's actually acted on anything to violate trust is TC.

It's one thing to feel an attraction toward someone that you keep to yourself and another entirely to vocalize it and express regret that you're not single.
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She's always been very blunt with me about how much she hates cheating ever since the beginning. Some might see that as a red flag, but as someone who heard the way she said it I believe that she wouldn't cheat. She was just saying the other day that she would feel awful if she cheated. I agree that this is just talk.
I didn't think this would blow up, but some other things in the text say "he's Mexican with reddish hair had a cute smile."
"My sexual attraction towards him gets worse every week." "he keeps smiling at me aghhhh"
The guy also has a girlfriend, according to my girlfriend she hates him personality wise saying he's cocky, condescending and entitled. He got the job he's currently in (salesman) because of his father and she has had to reprimand on a few things like having his girlfriend with him at the office and being on the phone with his girlfriend tying up the lines.


Sorry this is all messy. Just trying to get all the facts out there.
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Teddytalks posted...

There is nothing neckbeardy at all telling someone to end a relationship where their partner is expressing sentiments that they might cheat on them, and so candidly.

Except several others in this thread, myself included have added that how you interpret this matters.

How is this any different from talking with the guys about some hot girl you'd love to fuck?

The effect is compounded for women because they're often the ones who are hit on. If you really aren't mature enough to handle that your SO will find others attractive, you aren't mature enough for a relationship. It's an unfair standard to hold to another human being, especially considering a lot of the times someone wouldn't cheat, despite those thoughts.

And what do you know? It comes back to my first point--trust.

Sure, you might have been burned in the past. I'm sure that hurts a lot. But you can't let a negative experience color all of your interactions from now on. Or you'll never be happy in a relationship. You'll just always jump the gun in order to avoid getting hurt.
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SpiralDrift posted...

It's one thing to feel an attraction toward someone that you keep to yourself and another entirely to vocalize it and express regret that you're not single.

It's kind of a grey area. My wife and I express to each other who we find attractive. I'm really not threatened when she finds others attractive. I know she won't act on it, just like I wouldn't in the reverse situation.

This level of communication is the goal. Otherwise, you'll never get over your insecurity.
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LookANinja posted...

She's always been very blunt with me about how much she hates cheating ever since the beginning. Some might see that as a red flag, but as someone who heard the way she said it I believe that she wouldn't cheat. She was just saying the other day that she would feel awful if she cheated. I agree that this is just talk.
I didn't think this would blow up, but some other things in the text say "he's Mexican with reddish hair had a cute smile."
"My sexual attraction towards him gets worse every week." "he keeps smiling at me aghhhh"
The guy also has a girlfriend, according to my girlfriend she hates him personality wise saying he's cocky, condescending and entitled. He got the job he's currently in (salesman) because of his father and she has had to reprimand on a few things like having his girlfriend with him at the office and being on the phone with his girlfriend tying up the lines.


Sorry this is all messy. Just trying to get all the facts out there.

That all just sounds like stuff girls say. I have a friend who says stuff like that about her boss but I know she would never cheat.
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Soviet_Poland posted...

SpiralDrift posted...

It's one thing to feel an attraction toward someone that you keep to yourself and another entirely to vocalize it and express regret that you're not single.

It's kind of a grey area. My wife and I express to each other who we find attractive. I'm really not threatened when she finds others attractive. I know she won't act on it, just like I wouldn't in the reverse situation.

This level of communication is the goal. Otherwise, you'll never get over your insecurity.

Everyone seems to be overlooking her expressed regret of being single. How would you feel if you found out your wife felt that way about your relationship?
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LookANinja posted...

She's always been very blunt with me about how much she hates cheating ever since the beginning. Some might see that as a red flag, but as someone who heard the way she said it I believe that she wouldn't cheat. She was just saying the other day that she would feel awful if she cheated. I agree that this is just talk.
I didn't think this would blow up, but some other things in the text say "he's Mexican with reddish hair had a cute smile."
"My sexual attraction towards him gets worse every week." "he keeps smiling at me aghhhh"
The guy also has a girlfriend, according to my girlfriend she hates him personality wise saying he's cocky, condescending and entitled. He got the job he's currently in (salesman) because of his father and she has had to reprimand on a few things like having his girlfriend with him at the office and being on the phone with his girlfriend tying up the lines.


Sorry this is all messy. Just trying to get all the facts out there.

Talk to your girlfriend. If you don't want to admit you went through her phone, center it around how you feel the sex has fallen into a rut and you were wondering if there is anything on your end that can be done. Ask her about fantasies she has. Reassure her that for a moment you might have gotten complacent but express you want that to change.

Despite everything I've mentioned about how talk about something like that doesn't imply it'll happen, if the sex remains in a rut indefinitely, it certainly becomes a possibility.

If you wallow in pity, don't fix the sex, and continue to remain suspicious of her motives--I'm sorry. It's over.
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SpiralDrift posted...

Everyone seems to be overlooking her expressed regret of being single. How would you feel if you found out your wife felt that way about your relationship?

Human beings are complex and entitled to a deep range of experience here. My wife and I have expressed problems in our relationship in the past before. We've both made conscious efforts to change and or address those things. It continues to make us stronger and ensures I know everything that's going on because she has never felt like she can't express certain thoughts or feelings, even if they don't initially sound favorable. This isn't rocket science.

Talk to your SOs!
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1/10 if you find something, 10/10 if you don't find anything.
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Soviet_Poland posted...

SpiralDrift posted...

Everyone seems to be overlooking her expressed regret of being single. How would you feel if you found out your wife felt that way about your relationship?

Human beings are complex and entitled to a deep range of experience here. My wife and I have expressed problems in our relationship in the past before. We've both made conscious efforts to change and or address those things. It continues to make us stronger and ensures I know everything that's going on because she has never felt like she can't express certain thoughts or feelings, even if they don't initially sound favorable. This isn't rocket science.

Talk to your SOs!

So you agree that she should have talked to him about it instead of quietly letting the problem intensify?
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Soviet_Poland posted...

Except several others in this thread, myself included have added that how you interpret this matters.

How is this any different from talking with the guys about some hot girl you'd love to fuck?

It isn't any different at all, and if the girl found out in that scenario, I would say the same. It really is how you interpret this, and I am just saying what I feel is best. I won't quote the rest of your post because attraction isn't the issue. Everybody will find multiple people attractive. It is her contemplation of cheating, and the intensity of it. Her hyping it just sits very unwell with me from personally experience, so I am giving him MY PERSONAL Opinion. How you feel about my advice is immaterial, and getting indignant about other people opinions IS neckbeardy af. It just rings badly, from her being so against cheating and her behavior. It alot what my FB did.

SpiralDrift posted...

So you agree that she should have talked to him about it instead of quietly letting the problem intensify?

On the ideal, yes. In reality, that evidently isn't the kind of relationship they have currently. And it's never fair to blame one individual with respect to communication. They're a team and should "pick up the slack" when the other isn't a perfect bastion of a human being.

There are cracks in TC's foundation. He can sit here and moralize that "it's not his fault" and that means the end of his relationship.

He can sit here and address those cracks, and it can salvage the situation. Again, there is no 100% way of knowing her intentions here. You can read the texts, but half the thread has a different opinion on what it means.

Not saying either is the "right" choice. It is entirely up to TC's values. For all we know, he doesn't love her anymore either. But if he does want the relationship, taking the "she should have communicated this" route is a really toxic attitude to have. Too many people are afraid of taking any sort of emotional responsibility for anyone other than themselves.
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Teddytalks posted...

It isn't any different at all, and if the girl found out in that scenario, I would say the same. It really is how you interpret this, and I am just saying what I feel is best. I won't quote the rest of your post because attraction isn't the issue. Everybody will find multiple people attractive. It is her contemplation of cheating, and the intensity of it. Her hyping it just sits very unwell with me from personally experience, so I am giving him MY PERSONAL Opinion. How you feel about my advice is immaterial, and getting indignant about other people opinions IS neckbeardy af. It just rings badly, from her being so against cheating and her behavior. It alot what my FB did.

Right--my point is that two different people can have different experiences. What your experience was is irrelevant. What my experience is is irrelevant. That is because two seemingly contradictory conclusions are possible in this messy, complex world we live in.

A girl can talk with her friends like this and have it just be girl talk, blowing off steam, etc. Guys do the same thing.

Or, it could be a red flag.

Without knowing the TC or his girlfriend, for you to presume that his situation is identical to yours is the shortcoming here. None of us know (myself included). I'm advocating for the ambiguity of the situation. You're here arguing that every woman who talks like this will necessarily cheat, which I would very comfortably wager otherwise.
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So many fuck boys in here. Just confront her about it. She should be talking to YOU about this and not talking to her friends.

The fact that she's saying these thing over and over means that that guy is in her head more than you. And that's sad af.
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Honestly she should dump you for snooping. What has she done here besides me a human being?
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Bang her one more time and then end it
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Lathissamus posted...

So many fuck boys in here. Just confront her about it. She should be talking to YOU about this and not talking to her friends.

The fact that she's saying these thing over and over means that that guy is in her head more than you. And that's sad af.

I don't think you know what the word "fuckboy" means especially considering your attitude in this post more embodies that term than the people you're criticizing.
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TC, back up, don't react quickly, don't say anything, take it as a lesson and do things to man up and impress her.

nexigrams posted...

Honestly she should dump you for snooping. What has she done here besides me a human being?

Cuck logic right here.

Saying someone is attractive then dropping it is a normal thing. Saying over and over again that you have sexual feelings for a person, having sexual dreams about said preson, and having your feelings grow towards that person -- these are all red flags. The sooner TC realizes this, the better.
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RebelElite791 posted...

Lathissamus posted...

So many fuck boys in here. Just confront her about it. She should be talking to YOU about this and not talking to her friends.

The fact that she's saying these thing over and over means that that guy is in her head more than you. And that's sad af.

I don't think you know what the word "fuckboy" means especially considering your attitude in this post more embodies that term than the people you're criticizing.

Cool. Watch, TC is either going to confront her about it because he feels a type of way or his girl is going to cheat.
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RebelElite791 posted...

Lathissamus posted...

So many fuck boys in here. Just confront her about it. She should be talking to YOU about this and not talking to her friends.

The fact that she's saying these thing over and over means that that guy is in her head more than you. And that's sad af.

I don't think you know what the word "fuckboy" means especially considering your attitude in this post more embodies that term than the people you're criticizing.

+1Soviet_Poland posted...

Teddytalks posted...

It isn't any different at all, and if the girl found out in that scenario, I would say the same. It really is how you interpret this, and I am just saying what I feel is best. I won't quote the rest of your post because attraction isn't the issue. Everybody will find multiple people attractive. It is her contemplation of cheating, and the intensity of it. Her hyping it just sits very unwell with me from personally experience, so I am giving him MY PERSONAL Opinion. How you feel about my advice is immaterial, and getting indignant about other people opinions IS neckbeardy af. It just rings badly, from her being so against cheating and her behavior. It alot what my FB did.

Right--my point is that two different people can have different experiences. What your experience was is irrelevant. What my experience is is irrelevant. That is because two seemingly contradictory conclusions are possible in this messy, complex world we live in.

A girl can talk with her friends like this and have it just be girl talk, blowing off steam, etc. Guys do the same thing.

Or, it could be a red flag.

Without knowing the TC or his girlfriend, for you to presume that his situation is identical to yours is the shortcoming here. None of us know (myself included). I'm advocating for the ambiguity of the situation. You're here arguing that every woman who talks like this will necessarily cheat, which I would very comfortably wager otherwise.

He can take or leave my opinion. It isn't the same as his, I know. I just have 0 faith lmao. Post results TC.

What it comes down to is if someone thinks they'd be happier without you then there are problems. You're the obstacle to something that she wants.
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Lathissamus posted...

Cuck logic right here.

Saying someone is attractive then dropping it is a normal thing. Saying over and over again that you have sexual feelings for a person, having sexual dreams about said preson, and having your feelings grow towards that person -- these are all red flags. The sooner TC realizes this, the better.

Cuck logic is being a little bitch who is so afraid of being hurt, they'll cut prematurely to avoid getting hurt.

Also, everyone is presuming different levels of commitment here.

If this is some new relationship, month old, and there really isn't any developed history yet, obviously what you're saying is right. It's not worth getting so emotionally invested in something so new and untested.

If this is a 5 year relationship, to brush off all 5 years of their experience because of a hiccup like this in a knee jerk reaction, well I consider that "cuck logic."

Especially considering the reason is is because he wasn't able to sexually satisfy her. What makes you think that problem will go away with the next relationship without addressing the underlying lack of sexual prowess?

Relationships take maintenance. If you're not willing to maintain them, there is nothing wrong with that. But don't go out seeking them. Be honest with what you want.

If TC's relationship is older and more established, and he cares about her, he needs to alpha the fuck up, communicate with his SO, and spice up the sex. That's how you get the other men out of her mind.

If you sit around in complacency, then cut right before you get hurt, that's what's "beta" in my opinion.
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SpiralDrift posted...

What it comes down to is if someone thinks they'd be happier without you then there are problems. You're the obstacle to something that she wants.

So is communicating those issues and at least evaluating whether or not they're able to be addressed is not an option?

If they are irreconcilable--she feels "tied down", wants to play the field more, no longer agrees with the path their lives were currently taking, of course I agree with you.

But if you go off of vague texts that are entirely possible to be innocuous, refuse to even address what the problem may be, assume it's irreconcilable, and cut before you get hurt. Well, it is my opinion that someone in that mindset will never have a successful relationship. For all we know, TC's problem is nothing more than failing to recognize the sex got stale and he just needs to switch up his game.

I could be wrong.
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Soviet_Poland posted...

SpiralDrift posted...

What it comes down to is if someone thinks they'd be happier without you then there are problems. You're the obstacle to something that she wants.

So is communicating those issues and at least evaluating whether or not they're able to be addressed is not an option?

If they are irreconcilable--she feels "tied down", wants to play the field more, no longer agrees with the path their lives were currently taking, of course I agree with you.

But if you go off of vague texts that are entirely possible to be innocuous, refuse to even address what the problem may be, assume it's irreconcilable, and cut before you get hurt. Well, it is my opinion that someone in that mindset will never have a successful relationship.

I could be wrong.

Communication is still an option, but it's off to a bad start if he's the one forcing the issue. There's still a chance they could work things out, assuming she's willing, but this isn't something we here can predict either way. We can only really comment on the current situation, which is whether the TC should force the issue or just forget about it. If he does, it's still not an ideal "let's talk it out" situation.

I do agree that communication is absolutely key to successful relationships, though. My girlfriend and I tell each other everything and we both agree that it's important to be open even when it's something that might make us look bad, because the act of being honest about it builds trust. It's just never good when it has to be forced out of the other person.
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SpiralDrift posted...

I do agree that communication is absolutely key to successful relationships, though. My girlfriend and I tell each other everything and we both agree that it's important to be open even when it's something that might make us look bad, because the act of being honest about it builds trust. It's just never good when it has to be forced out of the other person.

Yeah, completely agree.

SpiralDrift posted...

Communication is still an option, but it's off to a bad start if he's the one forcing the issue. There's still a chance they could work things out, assuming she's willing, but this isn't something we here can predict either way. We can only really comment on the current situation, which is whether the TC should force the issue or just forget about it. If he does, it's still not an ideal "let's talk it out" situation.

Then we're on the same page, just kind of inched along towards the mean from different angles.

I still think he should try and bring up the sex life/other problems with the relationship, but if she isn't onboard with working on it too, then yeah it's done.
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