Current Events > Help me with my relationship CE

(+) Yeah! (+)

My gf and I have had a really rough last 6 months with her experiencing depression for the first time and then becoming medicated. I thought everything would go back to normal, where we had sex ~4 times a week and laughed a lot.

But it's been 2 months of her being medicated and I feel more alone than ever. She seems like she's back to normal but there's no touching, grudging sex once a week, doesn't want to talk about her day with me "eh it was fine I guess". So I thought she was losing her feelings for me, but this weekend was her birthday and she was so disappointed I didn't propose to her. WTF, she's barely shook my hand for two months. If I bring up any issues, she just says she'll work on it and nothing changes. If I bring up that nothing changes, she gets mad at me.

I feel alone and over it all, but the girl she was the previous three years is someone I'd die for and was dying to marry, and our lives are so intertwined I'd have to completely start over...

/rant
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Depression has this way of masking everything you do and making you feel like what you're doing is still routine, even when you've veered way off your path

It takes energy to change, and sometimes you might have to be there to force those changes for her.

Also, anti-depressants can severely curb libido, so that's likely why she doesn't want/have sex as much
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So it might be like this forever? That's what's really bothering me. I won't do this forever
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Colorahdo posted...

So it might be like this forever? That's what's really bothering me. I won't do this forever

I didn't say that lol

But the other thing change takes is time.

You might be this way for a while, but honestly if you want to stick through the anti depressant treatments it could be worth it. There's plenty that YOU could do for her to help her push through depression.

Maybe a change-of-pace vacation or a special date like that

Again, she probably has no real clue that she's treating you any differently. Asking someone on antidepressants to be cheery and happy all the time - it's hard. You don't really feel that way, you just don't feel... hopeless anymore (in my experience). I don't like them at all.

A lot of possibilities in the future. Personally, I would want to be as accommodating as possible, but be honest about my desires and needs.


However I do agree with this:
shockthemonkey posted...

This is a conversation for you, your girlfriend, and her doctor(s).

because I am not a doctor
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Seek first to understand then seek to be understood
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krazychao5 posted...

Seek first to understand then seek to be understood

hmm this is really good. I've been agonizing how to bring it up. She will totally shut down if I say "hey we need to talk. The lack of affection is killing me"

How can I bring this up in a way that isn't accusatory or making me a victim?
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Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.
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thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

The thing is I've sat her down a few times and asked "what can I do? I'll do anything. Just tell me how I can help or be"

and every single time her answer is "I don't know". So it goes nowhere.

I WANT to sit her down and instead of saying "this is hurting me", say "how can I help? How do you feel? How can we get back to normal?" but I already know her answer. "I don't know"

The answer is she needs to realize she's not ok even though she thinks she is. But saying that will be a fight.
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Colorahdo posted...

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

The thing is I've sat her down a few times and asked "what can I do? I'll do anything. Just tell me how I can help or be"

and every single time her answer is "I don't know". So it goes nowhere.

I WANT to sit her down and instead of saying "this is hurting me", say "how can I help? How do you feel? How can we get back to normal?" but I already know her answer. "I don't know"

The answer is she needs to realize where she's at

Did you ever get in trouble as a kid and your parents asked you "why did you do that"

and you could not come up with an answer as to why you did that thing you KNEW you weren't supposed to do

That's where you put her when you say "how can i help? how can we get back to normal?"
She has no clue.
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joeun_saram posted...

Colorahdo posted...

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

The thing is I've sat her down a few times and asked "what can I do? I'll do anything. Just tell me how I can help or be"

and every single time her answer is "I don't know". So it goes nowhere.

I WANT to sit her down and instead of saying "this is hurting me", say "how can I help? How do you feel? How can we get back to normal?" but I already know her answer. "I don't know"

The answer is she needs to realize where she's at

Did you ever get in trouble as a kid and your parents asked you "why did you do that"

and you could not come up with an answer as to why you did that thing you KNEW you weren't supposed to do

That's where you put her when you say "how can i help? how can we get back to normal?"
She has no clue.

So I should tell her "this is hurting me?" I feel like that's accusatory and will make her shut down. She's very bad with confrontation
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Colorahdo posted...

joeun_saram posted...

Colorahdo posted...

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

The thing is I've sat her down a few times and asked "what can I do? I'll do anything. Just tell me how I can help or be"

and every single time her answer is "I don't know". So it goes nowhere.

I WANT to sit her down and instead of saying "this is hurting me", say "how can I help? How do you feel? How can we get back to normal?" but I already know her answer. "I don't know"

The answer is she needs to realize where she's at

Did you ever get in trouble as a kid and your parents asked you "why did you do that"

and you could not come up with an answer as to why you did that thing you KNEW you weren't supposed to do

That's where you put her when you say "how can i help? how can we get back to normal?"
She has no clue.

So I should tell her "this is hurting me?" I feel like that's accusatory and will make her shut down. She's very bad with confrontation

No, because....

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

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Colorahdo posted...

So I should tell her "this is hurting me?" I feel like that's accusatory and will make her shut down. She's very bad with confrontation

I don't know man.
This likely has more to do with what caused the depression in the first place.
And again, antidepressants (depending on which ones) can really change someone's personality or mood (already mentioned libido)

But I think if you start asking about "us" and making you two seem like one unit again
IDK when my GF is down I would just make her food, a hug, kiss on the cheek, and promise to give her space until she felt like talking.

Depression is a different monster, but maybe you could start with a nice gesture and then work out a plan from there. Even see a professional if you must, to talk about what you both could do to help her work out of the depression.
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thelovefist posted...

Colorahdo posted...

joeun_saram posted...

Colorahdo posted...

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

The thing is I've sat her down a few times and asked "what can I do? I'll do anything. Just tell me how I can help or be"

and every single time her answer is "I don't know". So it goes nowhere.

I WANT to sit her down and instead of saying "this is hurting me", say "how can I help? How do you feel? How can we get back to normal?" but I already know her answer. "I don't know"

The answer is she needs to realize where she's at

Did you ever get in trouble as a kid and your parents asked you "why did you do that"

and you could not come up with an answer as to why you did that thing you KNEW you weren't supposed to do

That's where you put her when you say "how can i help? how can we get back to normal?"
She has no clue.

So I should tell her "this is hurting me?" I feel like that's accusatory and will make her shut down. She's very bad with confrontation

No, because....

thelovefist posted...

Seems like you're way too preoccupied with how she is making you feel rather than how she actually feels.

Well... see, I'm not sure how to phrase it then. It's not about me. It's not about her. What do I say?

How do I tell her "If I didn't initiate touching or conversation much less sex, you'd never even speak to me" without being mean?
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Colorahdo posted...

How do I tell her "If I didn't initiate touching or conversation much less sex, you'd never even speak to me" without being mean?

That is about you though...
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Colorahdo posted...

How do I tell her "If I didn't initiate touching or conversation much less sex, you'd never even speak to me" without being mean?

that doesn't sound mean to me
maybe don't be so hyperbolic (even if it IS true, it SOUNDS hyperbolic)

good luck man
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thelovefist posted...

Colorahdo posted...

How do I tell her "If I didn't initiate touching or conversation much less sex, you'd never even speak to me" without being mean?

That is about you though...

But if I ask about her, or us, the answer is "I don't know", so that's why I feel stuck. If it's about me, I'm an asshole. If it's about her, it's I don't know.

What would you say to initiate this conversation?
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Colorahdo posted...

thelovefist posted...

Colorahdo posted...

How do I tell her "If I didn't initiate touching or conversation much less sex, you'd never even speak to me" without being mean?

That is about you though...

But if I ask about her, or us, the answer is "I don't know", so that's why I feel stuck. If it's about me, I'm an asshole. If it's about her, it's I don't know.

What would you say to initiate this conversation?

There is no one right way to approach this. You know her better than any of us. You need to assess everything and take an approach that you believe is the most appropriate.
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UPDATE

well I brought it up. Went horribly. She said I keep bringing this up and she's working on it, but I keep bringing it up and it makes her feel worse every time.

I said every time I bring it up it gets better, and then it drops off completely, and I bring it up again and we fight and we get better again, why can't we just talk about it instead of fight?

She said "it's always all about you". "Then what can I do?" She screamed "I don't know" and left to stay with her friend

feels pretty awful...
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Yeah they start to get all friggity fucked on you. It's the way of things. Time to just start packing her things and leave them on the porch for her by the time she gets back.
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I'd say go get some relationship counseling or something. But that's me. :/
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That is really unfortunate that this is happening to you three years in. Depression is a bitch for sure, but it's really hard on those around you that care about you too. It can take a really, really long time to find the proper medication/dosing that is helpful with a minimal amount of side effects. You would have to be in it for the long haul, and there's always a chance that she won't ever be the same as she was.

I feel pretty torn thinking about this, it's hard for me to imagine what I would do in your shoes. Obviously you still love her but it seems like you have to decide if it's still worth it to stay in the relationship, especially since things don't seem to be improving after a few months. You could always try giving it some more time. She is clearly aware of the issues but it doesn't seem to help much that she's so defensive about it. It's always possible to go back and discuss options with the doctor, look into ways of improving libido (or possibly other things), etc.
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Ultima Dragon posted...

That is really unfortunate that this is happening to you three years in. Depression is a bitch for sure, but it's really hard on those around you that care about you too. It can take a really, really long time to find the proper medication/dosing that is helpful with a minimal amount of side effects. You would have to be in it for the long haul, and there's always a chance that she won't ever be the same as she was.

I feel pretty torn thinking about this, it's hard for me to imagine what I would do in your shoes. Obviously you still love her but it seems like you have to decide if it's still worth it to stay in the relationship, especially since things don't seem to be improving after a few months. You could always try giving it some more time. She is clearly aware of the issues but it doesn't seem to help much that she's so defensive about it. It's always possible to go back and discuss options with the doctor, look into ways of improving libido (or possibly other things), etc.

Well one issue is that every medication takes 2-6 months to settle in, so every time we switch she has to feel like shit for 2+ months, and that's 2 more months every time of me just waiting...
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Johnny_Nutcase posted...

Yeah they start to get all friggity fucked on you. It's the way of things. Time to just start packing her things and leave them on the porch for her by the time she gets back.

This is good advice, I second this
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You're probably going to have to break up. It doesn't sound like something you can come back from. It's really going to hurt, but it's really going to hurt to continue like this.

Keep that in mind. You can keep trying, but start steeling yourself for the end of the relationship.
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lol.. love how she said "it's all about you" when how many people said that same thing
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