Current Events > Do you think this long distance relationship is worth it?

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Ok, I was in Boston last weekend for Anime Boston as staff. I posted this in Sayoria's Anime Boston topic.

DoctorVader posted...

I also had such an amazing night with one of the girls on my staff team. She's one of the people that took care of me like she was already my wife while I was blacked out Sat.

I feel like shit and we were both catching more and more feelings over the weekend and finally sealed things yesterday after the dead dog party at Kings. But she's from Northeastern Mass and I'm from NYC. We talked a bit about it afterwards and it was clear it would never work but she admit that she's been crushing on me hard.

These feelings are really bothering me because I'm crushing on her really hard too. She was just so amazing with me in the 4 days we pretty much spent most of our time together. She was pretty much glued to me.

I can't stop thinking about her. I don't feel like driving home. Her room is 2 floors below me and I want to see her again but we already said our final goodbyes till next year.

So I made it pretty clear there was gonna be no more communication between us till next year, but she called me last night and we ended up facetiming and stuff like that is making me more emotional.

I haven't felt like this since college and I'm 31. She's 25. She said she wants to come to NYC in May to see me and in my head I'm just thinking I should ghost her at this point because we're gonna both end up hurt otherwise.

She made it very clear though that she wants more and I do too.

I've always prided myself in keeping feelings in check after Junior year of college and know way too many friends with bad LDRs and I personally have always recommended against them. I always kept things with me local and my longest LDR was when my ex had gone to Columbia for 6 weeks, which was hell.

It also doesn't help that this is the first chick that I actually like that's hardcore into anime, games and sci-fi, and even way more than me. I mean, she fucking watched all of Naruto and Baruto or whatever AND and keeps up with fucking One Piece. Wtf.
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Not in this case, no.

Long distance relationships are something you can briefly overcome provided you already have an established relationship. What you're talking about here is a crush that is only so strong because it feels like circumstances are cruelly pitted against you. But it is just a crush.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
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pinky0926 posted...

Not in this case, no.

Long distance relationships are something you can briefly overcome provided you already have an established relationship. What you're talking about here is a crush that is only so strong because it feels like circumstances are cruelly pitted against you. But it is just a crush.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

No, it's exactly the stuff I need to hear. Thank you and it makes sense. It was too short to develop anything real.

I'll admit right now. I'm delusional and definitely not thinking straight.
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Long distance only works when you establish an end point.

If you have no direct plans to end the long distance eventually (even if it's like a year down the road), you're gonna have a bad time.
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DoctorVader posted...

pinky0926 posted...

Not in this case, no.

Long distance relationships are something you can briefly overcome provided you already have an established relationship. What you're talking about here is a crush that is only so strong because it feels like circumstances are cruelly pitted against you. But it is just a crush.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

No, it's exactly the stuff I need to hear. Thank you and it makes sense. It was too short to develop anything real.

I'll admit right now. I'm delusional and definitely not thinking straight.

Lay out the logistics of this entire situation.

You're going to see her once a year? Like for one day, at a convention? Would you ask if it was worth investing in a house as your primary domicile in Paris you don't intend to rent out for your one week a year vacation to France?

Crude comparison but you get the idea. Relationships are a lot more than just looking dreamily at someone else. If you want to make this work one of you would have to move.
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I'm from NYC too and I would never date anyone from MA LMAO.

Seriously though, while I wouldn't go with it, I don't really know your circumstances. I do some people that have done it in between and then ended up together.

Would you move to MA? Will she move down here? What's her life like up there? Is she in the position to move.

I mean, if you figure the logistics out like pinky said and it makes sense, go for it. But with no end goal, you WILL end up hurt.
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Do you think long distance relationships are worth it?

no
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I really think you should go for it. If you don't, you may end up regretting it for the rest of your life, more than you would if you tried and things didn't pan out. The thing about long-distance relationships is, sometimes you meet someone so special that it's worth putting up with the downsides of being physically separated. There are many relationships that can't cope with the strain of being apart, but there are many who do make it work. My spouse was originally from the UK and we're very happily married right now. It can seem daunting, but if it was meant to be, you'll both make things work out. Feel free to PM me if you want; I can give you a lot of advice on successful long-distance relationships.

tldr. No, ldr's are never worth it unless the "long distance" part is temporary.
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DoctorVader posted...

I'm just thinking I should ghost her at this point because we're gonna both end up hurt otherwise.

I'm not gonna tell you to end or not since I don't know your situation that well, but if you do end it, tell her. Don't just ghost her, that would probably hurt her more. And even if you don't want a relationship, you could probably still stay friends if you wanted that.

My wife and I started out long distance. We did it for around 2-3 years. She lived in Sydney and I lived in Brisbane. It was a 90 minute flight between us. We spoke online almost every night and we always had our next meet-up planned and we were pretty even with flying to each other's city.

The trips quickly became more regular however. Like every 3-4 weeks. Now I've been living in Sydney for years and everything is great.

It takes a lot of commitment from both ends and it takes the right combo of people in the right stage of their lives but they can work.
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LJRENEGADE posted...

DoctorVader posted...

I'm just thinking I should ghost her at this point because we're gonna both end up hurt otherwise.

I'm not gonna tell you to end or not since I don't know your situation that well, but if you do end it, tell her. Don't just ghost her, that would probably hurt her more. And even if you don't want a relationship, you could probably still stay friends if you wanted that.

This. Ghosting is cowardly af. I'm pretty sure I'm getting ghosted by a girl I've been seeing and it fucking sucks not knowing what the hell you did wrong.
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Yeah, ghosting is really selfish IMO :/ You're basically prioritizing your personal comfort at the cost of hurting the other person a lot more than it would have otherwise. If you're going to break off contact with someone, they deserve to know that and why.

theAteam posted...

Long distance only works when you establish an end point.

If you have no direct plans to end the long distance eventually (even if it's like a year down the road), you're gonna have a bad time.

I mean... I'm at the age where settling down is something I'd like to do.

@pinky0926
Originally, I was just gonna see her yearly and do whatever happens. No commitments. But she wants more and we would at least meet several times in the year, if she ends up my girl or whatever. When I first met her, I just wanted to have some sex, but after spending so many hours together, things changed.

But you're definitely right that the forced circumstances and whatnot have obviously heightened the feelings.

@LockeMonster
Moving to MA is no problem since I've been trying to leave NY because of the shit policies, especially with increased taxes and weed. The problem is that she's by the Maine border and I've been wanting to move by the NY border about 30 miles east of Albany NY in Upstate NY.

That's my comfort zone because outside like a few long trips, I have not been able to stay more than 2 weeks away from NYC and did live up near Albany for a few years.

@Darmik and @Selenara
See your posts are what has me really contemplating this (btw thank you Selenara for the PM, I will definitely be PMing you once I figure more out).

I'm at the point where I want a good long term relationship again. I've been keeping them short and the fact you guys ended up marrying them is a really strong positive.

The rest about ghosting. I said this because what if I never responded to her call? I made it clear that we're gonna end up fucked if we continue this. I told her not to contact me again when we were in Boston, but she still did.

But I'm not gonna ghost her. We've been FaceTiming a lot and I'm just falling deeper into the hole.
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Do you think you can stay loyal all that time? That's a long time of no sex, and if you actually want a relationship, that's what it entails. I'm aware poly is a thing, but poly and LDR is a match made in hell.
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Lol, fuck New York City. Look, I love it man, but don't lose out on shit because of some stubborn need to be in NYC all the time.

The most important thing is what her situation is. How rooted is she up there. If things are fluid, go for it. But if she's also stubborn like you, stop now.
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I think I've decided to see how things go till we first meet up in May. But that means I'll just fall deeper and deeper as I talk to her everyday. She's so different from other chicks. I don't know if people up there are just like that or she's just an amazing woman. But even my friends are telling me not to miss out on something good like this at this age.

SomeonesAlt posted...

Do you think you can stay loyal all that time? That's a long time of no sex, and if you actually want a relationship, that's what it entails. I'm aware poly is a thing, but poly and LDR is a match made in hell.

I don't cheat in relationships, but yeah, the lack of sex is definitely going to bother me.

LockeMonster posted...

Lol, fuck New York City. Look, I love it man, but don't lose out on shit because of some stubborn need to be in NYC all the time.

The most important thing is what her situation is. How rooted is she up there. If things are fluid, go for it. But if she's also stubborn like you, stop now.

It's not being stubborn. I don't think one person can replace or substitute the happiness dozens of people bring.
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Just have an open relationship. Or hell, don't even call it that. Just say hey I really like you and let's talk a lot and occasionally visit each other to bang.

How long is the distance anyways? NY to MA really that far?

Take the labels out and things become a lot less complicated. As has been said, long-distance relationships are almost universal disasters.
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Muffinz0rz posted...

Just have an open relationship. Or hell, don't even call it that. Just say hey I really like you and let's talk a lot and occasionally visit each other to bang.

How long is the distance anyways? NY to MA really that far?

Take the labels out and things become a lot less complicated. As has been said, long-distance relationships are almost universal disasters.

I don't do open relationships with chicks I have feelings for. It's only ever been with fwbs and that's not what me nor what she is looking for. She's pretty old fashioned.

To me, if I can't have what exactly what I want out of something with another person in the starting, I don't really compromise and move on. It causes problems later otherwise.

NYC to MA is only like 1.5 hours. NY borders MA on the west side. But she's on the border near Maine, which is about 6 hours. About 2 hours further than NYC to Boston.
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i mean honestly, six hours isn't that bad

if you both have access to a car, then take turns road tripping out to visit each other occasionally. you go out one weekend, take a weekend or two off, then she comes out one weekend

you wouldn't be doing the trip more than once a month or so, so it's not likely you'd get burnt out on it
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DoctorVader posted...

It's not being stubborn. I don't think one person can replace or substitute the happiness dozens of people bring.

I guess that's true, but it's not like you're that far from them either.

Most of my friends from NYC pretty much disappeared into states like TX, CA, MI, and GA. So NYC is not something that would hold me down if given any good opportunities like a good woman or a good job.
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A lot hinges on how long you plan to do the long distance thing for. If there's no end date, don't bother.
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Muffinz0rz posted...

i mean honestly, six hours isn't that bad

if you both have access to a car, then take turns road tripping out to visit each other occasionally. you go out one weekend, take a weekend or two off, then she comes out one weekend

you wouldn't be doing the trip more than once a month or so, so it's not likely you'd get burnt out on it

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking. It's still a hassle though.

LockeMonster posted...

I guess that's true, but it's not like you're that far from them either.

Most of my friends from NYC pretty much disappeared into states like TX, CA, MI, and GA. So NYC is not something that would hold me down if given any good opportunities like a good woman or a good job.

Yeah, there's so many people I like to see all the time. I had tons and tons of friends leave as well, but that was years ago and it's the ones that stuck around that I ended up getting closer to.

TheCyborgNinja posted...

A lot hinges on how long you plan to do the long distance thing for. If there's no end date, don't bother.

Maybe a year max. If we're really into eachother, I couldn't hold out beyond that.
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