Poll of the Day > How long should someone be in a relationship before they're married?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Additionally, how long should someone be in a relationship before they have kids?

I turn 29 this year and after watching an episode of Friends where a few of them turn 30, Im getting a little anxious now. Is it normal to feel anxious over milestones in life?

Yes, it is.

WastelandCowboy posted...

a few of them turn 30

I thought it was a montage of all of them turning thirty.
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Ok that friend episode about turning 30 is bullshit. I also watched that, sorry after working 30. It's really dated. People are settling down even later than that. The episode is bad and friends is bad

Feeling anxious is totally normal. 29 is a reflective year for many people. You're like shit, soon my 20s are over and there's a new decade ahead

For dating 2 years is a good idea before engagement to be sure you're out of the limerance period. Then don't draw it out too long before getting married, no one likes a long engagement.
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It depends... I think my parents got married after 10 months. My wife and I took 7 years...
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Long enough to know that you can commit at least the next 18 years of your life to being with them so you can raise your child in a loving household.

WastelandCowboy posted...

I turn 29 this year and after watching an episode of Friends where a few of them turn 30, Im getting a little anxious now. Is it normal to feel anxious over milestones in life?

Pretty much, yeah. People hit milestones at different ages but, broadly speaking, it's more the screw-ups (guys anyway) who have kids young. Some of the guys I went to high school with had two kids by age 24 and even at the time they pretty openly admitted it wasn't a great idea. However, it's kinda natural to look at what your old peers may be doing and compare yourself to them.

In general, though, people are waiting longer than ever to have kids. For instance, comedian Bill Burr ("F is for Family") didn't marry until 45 and had his first kid at 49 which, tbh, is the other end of that spectrum. Penn Jilette had his first kid at 50. You shouldn't feel all that freaked just yet.

Doctor Foxx posted...

The episode is bad and friends is bad

GGAAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPPP!!!!!


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EclairReturns posted...

WastelandCowboy posted...

a few of them turn 30

I thought it was a montage of all of them turning thirty.

Their ages are one of the major continuity errors of the series.
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Were getting married!
How long have you been together?
Four years this January
Oh yeah, thats totally the same as the rest of your life

I'd also say never marry someone until you've been through the bad together. You need to know how your partner is at the worst of times

So even if you've been together years, if you've never faced hardship together don't jump in
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zebatov posted...

EclairReturns posted...

WastelandCowboy posted...

a few of them turn 30

I thought it was a montage of all of them turning thirty.

Their ages are one of the major continuity errors of the series.

I heard this, too. From my friend who's a big fan...

Doctor Foxx posted...

I'd also say never marry someone until you've been through the bad together. You need to know how your partner is at the worst of times

So even if you've been together years, if you've never faced hardship together don't jump in

I'm not saying I disagree. But what if you never have any hardships?
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40 is the cutoff for kids when you're a woman, unless you're doing some selective fertilization. The chances of having a kid with a serious birth/genetic defect is under 1 in 100 past the age of 40. The earlier you have kids, the bettet chances for them being healthier.

Edit: I should mention that it typically has that female focus because the eggs start to deteriorate over time leading up to menopause. Guys are pretty much fine as long as they're still fertile since sperm(s?) are made on the daily.

Its different for everyone. Honestly marriage is a gamble no matter what you do. Even if you live with a person for 5 years, another decade down the road youre both going to be two different people.

Maybe youll still love each other, but maybe not. No sense worrying though.
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WastelandCowboy posted...

How long should someone be in a relationship before they're married?

That's down to the individual. I don't think marriage is even needed personally as it's pointless.

WastelandCowboy posted...

Additionally, how long should someone be in a relationship before they have kids?

Again this is down to personal preference although I'd think you would need to make sure you're in a solid relationship before you think about creating life. Although nothing is really a certainty I'd say 5 Years+ ideally. Simply because by that point you and the other person would probably have built a solid foundation enough to welcome another into your situation and most importantly provide for it.

WastelandCowboy posted...

I turn 29 this year and after watching an episode of Friends where a few of them turn 30, Im getting a little anxious now. Is it normal to feel anxious over milestones in life?

Absolutely. It makes you compare your life to others more too. Normally those who have more then you do. It also makes you feel like you should follow the social protocol of things. Although when I've hit milestones it's never been what society makes it out to be and I'm certainly wasn't at the points in life I probably should be at those ages.
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wwinterj25 posted...

Absolutely. It makes you compare your life to others more too. Normally those who have more then you do. It also makes you feel like you should follow the social protocol of things. Although when I've hit milestones it's never been what society makes it out to be and I'm certainly wasn't at the points in life I probably should be at those ages.

Just think, for all the people you see that are more successful than you are at your age, there are many more people worse off than where you are that you just don't notice.
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I was in a 5 year relationship with the woman I moved across the country with before I realised I didn't want to marry her. I immediately broke up with her.

I was dating my current wife for 6 months when I knew I wanted to marry her. Engaged at 8 month, married 9 month later, been married for almost 9 months.

Don't let anyone (especially not Hollywood and this board) dictate the pace of your relationship except for you and your partner.
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krazychao5 posted...

Just think, for all the people you see that are more successful than you are at your age, there are many more people worse off than where you are that you just don't notice.

Yeah I mean I do feel better about myself when comparing myself to those who have less than I do so I do that for the most part as although harsh it does help me build confidence. I also know that despite others peoples lives looking better than my own it isn't necessarily true.
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I met my wife when I was 33, going on 34 in a few months. Proposed on our 1 year anniversary, did a 2 year engagement and have been married a little over a year now. Turning 38 in July.

I got married at 18 after dating for 2 years before
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you don't have to get married.

if the relationship is truly going to last then being married or not won't change that. only thing it would do is give financial benefits...
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The answer to questions like this will always be "there is no one-size-fits-all answer."
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100 years
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Muffinz0rz posted...

The answer to questions like this will always be "there is no one-size-fits-all answer."

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Jen0125 posted...

Muffinz0rz posted...

The answer to questions like this will always be "there is no one-size-fits-all answer."

Indeed. Some folks I know got married after a year of dating while some, like my sister and brother-in-law, got married after several years of dating. Sometimes it gets to the point that they're unofficially "married". It really depends on the individuals. There's no right or wrong approach.

WastelandCowboy posted...

Additionally, how long should someone be in a relationship before they have kids?

Again, depends on the individuals. My cousin got married in her mid 20's but she and her husband decided to finish med school first before having their first daughter in her late 20's. Some folks I know have kids within a year of their marriage.

The only thing I'll say is that said decision should lie with the couple. Forget what the parents say about them wanting grandkids and/or continuing the family line. Raising kids is a strain on one's finance and time. Said couples have to be ready for that so the decision should be theirs and theirs alone.

Krazy_Kirby posted...

you don't have to get married.

if the relationship is truly going to last then being married or not won't change that. only thing it would do is give financial benefits...

Funny enough, I was recently talking to a couple in their 50's who have been married for 20+ years. Apparently the priest who officiated their wedding may not have ever submitted their wedding application to the county so they technically might not be married and their three daughters might be bastards. Of course not sure how this worked in regards to their taxes.
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Never get married, if you truly love someone then you don't need the government or church saying you do. Your own validation is enough.

Also, never have kids. Period. Having kids is one of the worst mistakes you could ever make in your life.
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At least a year
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LinkPizza posted...

I'm not saying I disagree. But what if you never have any hardships?

Then you're a corpse. Shit happens. Parents get sick. People die. Friends suffer tragedy and need your help. Jobs can be lost, injuries and illness can happen. If after years not one thing had been hard for you then you're doing something right or you have no one else close to you.
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Doctor Foxx posted...

I'd also say never marry someone until you've been through the bad together. You need to know how your partner is at the worst of times

So even if you've been together years, if you've never faced hardship together don't jump in

Interesting enough, the couple I spoke with mentioned how you don't truly know someone until you have lived with them and traveled with them. I can see how living with each other reveal the good and bad habits but didn't understood how traveling did until they explained it.

According to them, when traveling one needs to be patient, flexible, and able to adapt. They may have also mentioned ones interaction with the locals. Said couple would actually pay for the traveling expenses of their daughter's boyfriends to see if they are "the one"
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i say a year, without cheating or seeing anyone else. also helps if you moved in with each other.
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InfestedAdam posted...

Interesting enough, the couple I spoke with mentioned how you don't truly know someone until you have lived with them and traveled with them. I can see how living with each other reveal the good and bad habits but didn't understood how traveling did until they explained it.

According to them, when traveling one needs to be patient, flexible, and able to adapt and you'll see just how much of this is in the other person when traveling. They may have also mentioned ones interaction with the locals. Said couple would actually pay for the traveling expenses of their daughter's boyfriends to see if they are "the one"

I completely agree with this. Even if traveling isn't important to you, the skills required in being able to travel with you partner are essential. You can see how your partner treats others, handles new stressful environments, and deals with being flexible. It reveals a lot

Plus if you get traveler's diarrhea you get to test out the in sickness part

I've discovered my current partner is a great road trip buddy and I've liked traveling with him. Maybe later this year we can travel abroad together.
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Doctor Foxx posted...

LinkPizza posted...

I'm not saying I disagree. But what if you never have any hardships?

Then you're a corpse. Shit happens. Parents get sick. People die. Friends suffer tragedy and need your help. Jobs can be lost, injuries and illness can happen. If after years not one thing had been hard for you then you're doing something right or you have no one else close to you.

I've known couples who onenof them didn't really have close friends or family. And the other had only a couple people on their family they talked to. And didn't really make friends. So, stuff like that didn't matter to them. Sometimes, some people just don't have the hardships like other do. They were in the military, and made pretty good money. So finance wasn't an issue. And I don't rememeber either getting like really sick. They had like colds and stuff, but nothing big. I do think going through hardships together would help you know that they are the right person. But it might not work for everyone...
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I didn't move in with my wife until we were married.
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The older you get, the less time is needed before marriage. This is what I'd say is reasonable:

If you're between 18 and 22, you should have been dating for at least 7 years before getting married (hence why marrying at 18 is almost universally a stupid idea).

Between 23 and 27, dating for 5 years makes it acceptable.

Between 28 and 33, dating for 3 years.

34 to 50, dating for 1 year.

Over 50, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like it is going to affect anyone anyway.
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faramir77 posted...

The older you get, the less time is needed before marriage. This is what I'd say is reasonable:

If you're between 18 and 22, you should have been dating for at least 7 years before getting married (hence why marrying at 18 is almost universally a stupid idea).

Between 23 and 27, dating for 5 years makes it acceptable.

Between 28 and 33, dating for 3 years.

34 to 50, dating for 1 year.

Over 50, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like it is going to affect anyone anyway.

What about for those people in completely different age ranges?
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faramir77 posted...

The older you get, the less time is needed before marriage. This is what I'd say is reasonable:

If you're between 18 and 22, you should have been dating for at least 7 years before getting married (hence why marrying at 18 is almost universally a stupid idea).

Between 23 and 27, dating for 5 years makes it acceptable.

Between 28 and 33, dating for 3 years.

34 to 50, dating for 1 year.

Over 50, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like it is going to affect anyone anyway.

This is dumb
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Mead posted...

faramir77 posted...

The older you get, the less time is needed before marriage. This is what I'd say is reasonable:

If you're between 18 and 22, you should have been dating for at least 7 years before getting married (hence why marrying at 18 is almost universally a stupid idea).

Between 23 and 27, dating for 5 years makes it acceptable.

Between 28 and 33, dating for 3 years.

34 to 50, dating for 1 year.

Over 50, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like it is going to affect anyone anyway.

This is dumb

Nah.

Dumb is getting married with someone you think is your soul mate because you've been together for 3 years and you're 22 and don't know any better only to find out 2 years into the marriage that you've made a huge mistake that will affect you for the rest of your life.

Different people are different but as a general rule of thumb my guidelines hold true. A lot of people I know dated for 5+ years in their teens/early 20s only for the relationship to end, and they all thank fuck they never got married.
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faramir77 posted...

Mead posted...

faramir77 posted...

The older you get, the less time is needed before marriage. This is what I'd say is reasonable:

If you're between 18 and 22, you should have been dating for at least 7 years before getting married (hence why marrying at 18 is almost universally a stupid idea).

Between 23 and 27, dating for 5 years makes it acceptable.

Between 28 and 33, dating for 3 years.

34 to 50, dating for 1 year.

Over 50, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like it is going to affect anyone anyway.

This is dumb

Nah.

Dumb is getting married with someone you think is your soul mate because you've been together for 3 years and you're 22 and don't know any better only to find out 2 years into the marriage that you've made a huge mistake that will affect you for the rest of your life.

Different people are different but as a general rule of thumb my guidelines hold true. A lot of people I know dated for 5+ years in their teens/early 20s only for the relationship to end, and they all thank fuck they never got married.

I understand it's only s guideline. But it's still different for everyone. Some people can end up finding their soulmate early. And just because you've been dating for a while doesn't always mean the marraige will go well. Sometimes, a couple would be better off getting married younger instead of dating for all those years to only end up in the same place...
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Depends on how you feel about the person and how you vibe.

I've known this girl for less than a month and I can see a future with her already. I've dated girls for years and never even thought about tomorrow.

You'll know when it's time.
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faramir77 posted...

huge mistake that will affect you for the rest of your life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce
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WastelandCowboy posted...

Additionally, how long should someone be in a relationship before they have kids?

Eh, I think that, regardless of how long someone's dated, they should live together for at least 6 to a year before deciding to get married.

Then, as long as you do that, since you're married to I presume the person you want to spend your life with, have a kid whenever you want.

Revelation34 posted...

faramir77 posted...

huge mistake that will affect you for the rest of your life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce

Of course divorce is an option, but it doesn't magically make things go away or be better. It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person. And then it's even worse if you have kids then get divorced.
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You have to know them for exactly 405 days and live with them a minimum of 800 hours but no more than 1400 hours or the marriage will fail within 30,000 minutes
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person.

But even if you're not married and are just dated, you can't get that time back, either...
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

Of course divorce is an option, but it doesn't magically make things go away or be better. It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person. And then it's even worse if you have kids then get divorced.

It still doesn't ruin your life.
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LinkPizza posted...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person.

But even if you're not married and are just dated, you can't get that time back, either...

Are you trying to make a point? Or just pointing out the obvious?

Revelation34 posted...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

Of course divorce is an option, but it doesn't magically make things go away or be better. It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person. And then it's even worse if you have kids then get divorced.

It still doesn't ruin your life.

That's kind of what divorce does. It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage. Do you think that all divorces are mutual splits?
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

That's kind of what divorce does. It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage. Do you think that all divorces are mutual splits?

I don't think crazy ex stalkers count in that case.
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

LinkPizza posted...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person.

But even if you're not married and are just dated, you can't get that time back, either...

Are you trying to make a point? Or just pointing out the obvious?

Well, I thought you mentioned that as a reason not to get married earlier. So, I was just making a point about that. But whatever...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

Revelation34 posted...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

Of course divorce is an option, but it doesn't magically make things go away or be better. It doesn't bring back the time spent with a person. And then it's even worse if you have kids then get divorced.

It still doesn't ruin your life.

That's kind of what divorce does. It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage. Do you think that all divorces are mutual splits?

Not all. But a good number might actually be. There are lots of marraiges where people fall out of love or whatever. It divorce wasn't looked at so negatively, there would probably be more, tbh...
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

That's kind of what divorce does. It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage. Do you think that all divorces are mutual splits?

I think you have either an extremely biased view or just a narrow understanding of life based on what you're saying here. Were you or someone close to you involved in a divorce that was life ruining? It certainly does happen, but I and many others can guarantee you that divorces are not always as messy and/or as awful as they're made out to be.

GanglyKhan posted...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

That's kind of what divorce does. It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage. Do you think that all divorces are mutual splits?

I think you have either an extremely biased view or just a narrow understanding of life based on what you're saying here. Were you or someone close to you involved in a divorce that was life ruining? It certainly does happen, but I and many others can guarantee you that divorces are not always as messy and/or as awful as they're made out to be.

uh huh, cause in any of my posts I specifically said all divorces are messy and awful.

Even in the post you quoted you must not have read it properly. I said,

AllstarSniper32 posted...

It ruins your life unless you're the one that wants a divorce and out of the marriage.

This means one person is happy or fine with the marriage and is living life while the other person wants out for whatever reason. But I don't say that's how all divorces are. Just how it can ruin life for a person in that situation.

Of course there's times when both people mutually want out of the marriage. But even if that's the case, if those people have kids, it's usually not going to be so simple for the kids.

But if you're married to someone, you don't have any kids and you're both fine with divorcing, you'll probably be better off apart.
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It a by it be simple for the kids. But it would probably be better in the long run...
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

Of course there's times when both people mutually want out of the marriage. But even if that's the case, if those people have kids, it's usually not going to be so simple for the kids.

But if you're married to someone, you don't have any kids and you're both fine with divorcing, you'll probably be better off apart.

That's a lot more reasonable. I guess I read your message wrong, it wasn't typed up too clearly, or some combination of both. I had thought you were implying that divorce always ruins your life, unless you're the one who initiated. And my apologies for getting it mixed up.