Current Events > My wife won't get a job

(+) Yeah! (+)

Up until July we were both working. Then in July she didn't get a promotion so she quit her job.

It is now November and we are going to begin falling behind on the mortgage. She still refuses to work even though we have had fight after fight about it. I've been logical, I've shown her the numbers, ive raged about it. She still won't work.

I can't talk to any of our friends because we all know each other and it seems we are getting to the point where I have to divorce her. I just do not know what to do. We have two kids and no way can we afford to live where we do on my income. My mortgage is $2500 a month. I feel like I need to move, get a divorce and then figure out what to do. I'm just so scared and I don't understand why this is happening. We've been together 15 years and now it's ruined.
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i'm sorry to hear. sometimes marriages don't last forever because of things not working out though you gotta do what you gotta do in hopes of you're survival you have done all that you could to help salvage it.
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"either get a job or i'm filing for divorce"
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WTF is there a good reason why she won't get a job?
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does your wife understand the severity situation or is she viewing this as a convenient opportunity to become a SAHM
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AsAnIndependent posted...

"either get a job or i'm filing for divorce"

Lol really got her backed into a corner there.

He can divorce her and she gets the house, kids, and a fat portion of his check.

Or he can not divorce her and well..... still lose his house lol.
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>falling for the marriage meme
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lordofmud posted...

I can't talk to any of our friends because we all know each other

Captain hindsight here, never do that! Byesies
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Feminism at work.
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Feels like there is a piece of this story missing.

Like, why she doesn't want to get a job.
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Shes gonna get fat and lazy. Leave that hoe.

A buddy of mine had a wife that worked, then she came down with disease and stopped working. Made a full recovery from disease, refused to work again, and they divorce. Guess who now has to pay a low 4 figure sum a month for the next 5 years for alimony, on top of child support.
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Why won't she work?
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It would have been a good idea to keep your standard of living down to what your own income would allow from the beginning. Additional sources of income should be just icing on the cake. But holy shit at this part:
lordofmud posted...

My mortgage is $2500 a month.

Unless you live in a prohibitively expensive area like San Francisco, you could easily move out to a home with half the mortgage, even if that means no longer living in a neighborhood with gates made of gold.
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voldothegr8 posted...

A buddy of mine had a wife that worked, then she came down with disease and stopped working. Made a full recovery from disease, refused to work again, and they divorce. Guess who now has to pay a low 4 figure sum a month for the next 5 years for alimony, on top of child support.

It's fucked up that sometimes the option of staying in a loveless marriage seems easier
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Lost_All_Senses posted...

voldothegr8 posted...

A buddy of mine had a wife that worked, then she came down with disease and stopped working. Made a full recovery from disease, refused to work again, and they divorce. Guess who now has to pay a low 4 figure sum a month for the next 5 years for alimony, on top of child support.

It's fucked up that sometimes the option of staying in a loveless marriage seems easier

Cheaper to keep her as they say.
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She sits on her ass
He works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?

Paragon21XX posted...

It would have been a good idea to keep your standard of living down to what your own income would allow from the beginning. Additional sources of income should be just icing on the cake. But holy shit at this part:
lordofmud posted...

My mortgage is $2500 a month.

Unless you live in a prohibitively expensive area like San Francisco, you could easily move out to a home with half the mortgage, even if that means no longer living in a neighborhood with gates made of gold.

Yeah, I winced at that. My 3 bedroom home is a 1,200 monthly mortgage. Yikes.
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I'll give her a job
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Paragon21XX posted...

It would have been a good idea to keep your standard of living down to what your own income would allow from the beginning. Additional sources of income should be just icing on the cake. But holy shit at this part:
lordofmud posted...

My mortgage is $2500 a month.

Unless you live in a prohibitively expensive area like San Francisco, you could easily move out to a home with half the mortgage, even if that means no longer living in a neighborhood with gates made of gold.

Yeah, like... I know I live in an area with lower than average cost of living but my mortgage is like $435 for a decent place, so a number like $2500 just seems insane... >_>

But regardless, that sucks TC. Sorry to hear that, hopefully you can work it out but it sounds like she's lost it. Like... why would you not want to have a nice place to live and provide for your children? I don't get it.
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Tell her to pick herself up by her bootstraps and get to work. If she doesnt want to live on the street she needs to make a change immediately
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I feel like a little more context is required.

Has she said why she won't work? Does she never want to work again, or is she not finding the kinds of jobs she wants, or will she only take a job above a certain paygrade? What's the argument here.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH-i8IvYIcg" data-time="
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vocedelmorte posted...

She sits on her ass
He works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?

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DonaldClinton posted...

Tell her to pick herself up by her bootstraps and get to work. If she doesnt want to live on the street she needs to make a change immediately

Lol thats not applicable to a woman whos been married. Very small chance shell ever be on the streets. Much higher chance that she keeps OPs house and hes fucking around sleeping in motels and on friends couches until he can find a new house to buy/rent.
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Ok. Context. We are both well educated and hold (held) upper middle class jobs.

She tells me that since she has held the same job for a long time she is depressed that interviews won't hire her.

I have spoken with an attorney and actually what will probably happen is we will both owe nothing to the other since for the vast majority of the marriage we both worked. There is also nothing to keep her from getting a job. She just doesn't want to.

I do NOT want to leave. But it makes me mad that I'm going to lose my house. When I've told her this she says that we can just get an apartment somewhere. In my mind though that's crazy. Why would I continue with a woman who unilaterally destroyed our plans for success? I've pumped all our savings into the house and bills and she still wants to take vacations, have big birthday parties for the kids and spend hundreds of dollars on crafting supplies from Amazon. It's like she forgot that to be able to do all that we BOTH have to work.

My mortgage is actually just over 1k. It is the property taxes. I live in a very well off area and pay for it.

I wish I knew what I could say to get her to work again. I can't think of having to tell my kids that we have to move to an apartment somewhere and change schools in the middle of the year. Plus the divorce. It will crush them. Their little spirits. It makes me crazy and so angry at her because having to tell your kids something like that is just a complete failure. Holy smokes I'm crying just writing this because putting it down on here I see how it is going to be.
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She sounds depressed, all right, and not because she can't get interviews.

Has she seen a doctor? Something's not right.

Does SHE want a divorce? Is she angling to make it seem like your "fault" (if you're in a state that assigns fault in a divorce)?
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she sounds pretty depressed tbh, and honestly shes only been out of work 5 months and you are contacting divorce lawyers?
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Lawyer up.
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lordofmud posted...

Ok. Context. We are both well educated and hold (held) upper middle class jobs.

She tells me that since she has held the same job for a long time she is depressed that interviews won't hire her.

I have spoken with an attorney and actually what will probably happen is we will both owe nothing to the other since for the vast majority of the marriage we both worked. There is also nothing to keep her from getting a job. She just doesn't want to.

I do NOT want to leave. But it makes me mad that I'm going to lose my house. When I've told her this she says that we can just get an apartment somewhere. In my mind though that's crazy. Why would I continue with a woman who unilaterally destroyed our plans for success? I've pumped all our savings into the house and bills and she still wants to take vacations, have big birthday parties for the kids and spend hundreds of dollars on crafting supplies from Amazon. It's like she forgot that to be able to do all that we BOTH have to work.

My mortgage is actually just over 1k. It is the property taxes. I live in a very well off area and pay for it.

I wish I knew what I could say to get her to work again. I can't think of having to tell my kids that we have to move to an apartment somewhere and change schools in the middle of the year. Plus the divorce. It will crush them. Their little spirits. It makes me crazy and so angry at her because having to tell your kids something like that is just a complete failure. Holy smokes I'm crying just writing this because putting it down on here I see how it is going to be.

You need a therapist or a marriage counsellor, not CE. Your situation is not something people on here are going to be able to relate to and give advice on.

It sounds like you guys aren't talking on the same wavelength and you need help to get that sorted. You've got too much on the line here to go with the classic "dump her and move on" advice that the internet will usually give you. You need to explore all options of fixing your marriage first.
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it's a bad move on her part. you're supposed to quit a job when you have something better.
give 2 weeks notice etc.

and damn at that monthly property tax they're ripping you off worse than the mortgage.
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AsAnIndependent posted...

"either get a job or i'm filing for divorce"

It's a reasonable viewpoint. Nobody wants to be stuck carrying a deadbeat. It's only one of many reasons why no girls want you
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My cousin's wife just did this, except worse, because she stole about seventy grand from my cousin's contracting business and won't tell him where the money is, simply because a job opportunity came up for her and he asked her to take it. Even worse because she tried to insist on custody of their 1/4 kids still under 18 (who want a nothing to do with her, she's always been daddy's little girl), and demanded the house. Luckily the judge decided in his favor since he built the fuckin' thing and the kid testified.

It's so bizarre, because she was literally the most sweet, caring, considerate Christian woman as long as I've known her - 30 years - and I guess she was hiding this side of herself all along, or she just snapped, or both.

Bad luck, mate. Sounds like divorce might be your only option. You have to do what's best to provode for your kids, and you can't do that if you're bankrupt and living in your car, you know?
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I was with my wife 10 years with a 6 old daughter before marriage. Shes got 2 jobs atm...
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lordofmud posted...

Ok. Context. We are both well educated and hold (held) upper middle class jobs.

She tells me that since she has held the same job for a long time she is depressed that interviews won't hire her.

I have spoken with an attorney and actually what will probably happen is we will both owe nothing to the other since for the vast majority of the marriage we both worked. There is also nothing to keep her from getting a job. She just doesn't want to.

I do NOT want to leave. But it makes me mad that I'm going to lose my house. When I've told her this she says that we can just get an apartment somewhere. In my mind though that's crazy. Why would I continue with a woman who unilaterally destroyed our plans for success? I've pumped all our savings into the house and bills and she still wants to take vacations, have big birthday parties for the kids and spend hundreds of dollars on crafting supplies from Amazon. It's like she forgot that to be able to do all that we BOTH have to work.

My mortgage is actually just over 1k. It is the property taxes. I live in a very well off area and pay for it.

I wish I knew what I could say to get her to work again. I can't think of having to tell my kids that we have to move to an apartment somewhere and change schools in the middle of the year. Plus the divorce. It will crush them. Their little spirits. It makes me crazy and so angry at her because having to tell your kids something like that is just a complete failure. Holy smokes I'm crying just writing this because putting it down on here I see how it is going to be.

Tell her that if she doesn't start looking for a job, then you'll quit your job too and you'll both lose everything
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pinky0926 posted...

lordofmud posted...

Ok. Context. We are both well educated and hold (held) upper middle class jobs.

She tells me that since she has held the same job for a long time she is depressed that interviews won't hire her.

I have spoken with an attorney and actually what will probably happen is we will both owe nothing to the other since for the vast majority of the marriage we both worked. There is also nothing to keep her from getting a job. She just doesn't want to.

I do NOT want to leave. But it makes me mad that I'm going to lose my house. When I've told her this she says that we can just get an apartment somewhere. In my mind though that's crazy. Why would I continue with a woman who unilaterally destroyed our plans for success? I've pumped all our savings into the house and bills and she still wants to take vacations, have big birthday parties for the kids and spend hundreds of dollars on crafting supplies from Amazon. It's like she forgot that to be able to do all that we BOTH have to work.

My mortgage is actually just over 1k. It is the property taxes. I live in a very well off area and pay for it.

I wish I knew what I could say to get her to work again. I can't think of having to tell my kids that we have to move to an apartment somewhere and change schools in the middle of the year. Plus the divorce. It will crush them. Their little spirits. It makes me crazy and so angry at her because having to tell your kids something like that is just a complete failure. Holy smokes I'm crying just writing this because putting it down on here I see how it is going to be.

You need a therapist or a marriage counsellor, not CE. Your situation is not something people on here are going to be able to relate to and give advice on.

It sounds like you guys aren't talking on the same wavelength and you need help to get that sorted. You've got too much on the line here to go with the classic "dump her and move on" advice that the internet will usually give you. You need to explore all options of fixing your marriage first.

This

Honestly, coming to CE for relationship advice in general is a bad idea. This place is riddled with lonely incelibate morons who will tell you to either "dump the bitch" or that your woman is getting blasted by limitless Chad dick.
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Damn she sounds like my sister.

I'd give her a ultimatum. Either get back to work or risk destroying both your lives and your kids for not wanting to get off her ass and work.
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Women do not respond well to ultimatums. Do not do that.

She has told you she is depressed. You need to work on her mental health. Both of you. That's the logical step here.

That starts with seeing a doctor for a referral to a counselor. Not just a couples counselor, but perhaps also one for her. Could be both. I don't know the exact solution.

Not working is a symptom.
Her mental health is the problem.

Now the flipside of this is also being quietly ready for the nastiness that may crop up from failure to fix this mess.
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Tupacrulez posted...

Women do not respond well to ultimatums. Do not do that.

She has told you she is depressed. You need to work on her mental health. Both of you. That's the logical step here.

That starts with seeing a doctor for a referral to a counselor. Not just a couples counselor, but perhaps also one for her. Could be both. I don't know the exact solution.

Not working is a symptom.
Her mental health is the problem.

Now the flipside of this is also being quietly ready for the nastiness that may crop up from failure to fix this mess.

You're definitely right here, she needs to get her mental health in order

The problem here is that they might not really have enough time for her to get her shit together. If TC starts falling back behind on bills soon (which might further depress her potentially), it's going to greatly screw them over.
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Yikes I cant imagine not working and letting all the bills fall on one person :( especially with kids
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You fucked up by getting too much house

Don't be in a hurry to get married folks.

pinky0926 posted...

You need a therapist or a marriage counsellor, not CE.

This. CE is not the place to ask advice on this, because too many people here are bitter towards women and/or marriage.
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I get that she's depressed but I kinda hate the "She's depressed so you have to be understanding angle"

Depressed people got to work everyday because they have to. What if TC didn't exist? Would she still just be lounging around the house not working or would she get up off her ass despite her depression in order to put food on the table for her kids?
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Dump her
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That's cray
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