Poll of the Day > Good old-fashioned relationship advice needed please!

(+) Yeah! (+)

This is a long read so please feel free to move on if you're not the counselling type!

So, up until the end of Nov I'd been with my partner for 8 months and things had been going super well for the majority. She moved into my flat very early on due to disagreements with her parents but it worked out fine at first. We had big plans for the future and I'd never been with anyone on such a similar wavelength in terms of outlook on life and core values. We seemed a perfect match. She's 22 and I'm 28 but the age gap has had no impact from what we can tell.

Then, about 3 months ago one evening I had crushing doubts come on very suddenly but I couldn't put my finger on why. I voiced this to my partner and we were able to work through it and things went back to normal after about a week. I put it down to a 'cold feet' period and didn't dwell on it.

Unfortunately, about a month later the feelings crept back and took a real toll on my mental health. On paper the relationship was fantastic but my mind wouldn't let me settle. It was super confusing as I didn't know why I was feeling this way and where it was coming from - was it my true feelings coming through or simply a mental health issue? If the latter, did it come on naturally or was it to do with the medication I was on (accutane, low dose of 20-30mg a day)? It was making me thoroughly miserable and I hated myself for having doubts. The guilt was unbearable.

I didn't want to give up on the relationship without doing everything in my power to salvage it. I ended up seeing a doctor and got signed off work for a week followed by being prescribed anti-depressants. These really helped level me out and gave me some clarity, and although they did numb me to an extent they did allow me to objectively examine the situation and conclude that our living setup was the root cause of my issues; the rapid pace of the relationship had caught up with me and I clearly couldn't handle the intensity.

Fast forward a week or two and my partner had started having doubts of her own in response to what I was going through. Whereas I was willing to take a backwards step and keep the relationship going once she'd moved out, she couldn't see a future in such a regression and also had concerns with my apparent fear of the future (we ultimately wanted the same things but the journey there was proving problematic). We therefore concluded, much to our dismay, that we'd reached an unworkable crossroads and had to separate despite the fact that our feelings seemed intact.

This takes us up to now. She's been back with her parents for a couple of weeks now but most of her stuff is still at mine. I miss her terribly, and have told her so, but we've agreed we need space as it's too early to tell if we're just going through the classic stages of a breakup or if we'll realise that we want to be together after all further down the line. In theory I want to be with her now but it would be unfair of me to pursue it prematurely in case things took a downward turn again.

Then there's the matter of my Xmas party I attended on Fri, a week after our breakup. Very late into the night after about ten beers I ended up briefly kissing a colleague. I feel horrible about it as although I didn't cheat I still care about my ex and am worried that this will come back to bite me later.

The point of all this? I have two questions:

1. I'm currently doing the healthy thing and treating the relationship as though it's done for good. However, does it seem like there could be a future in it from the story above, either soon or further down the line? I don't want to get hung up on false hope.

2. How bad is the kiss really? Am I beating myself up unnecessarily or was it a huge mistake? I would absolutely feel obliged to disclose it should things strike up again. Could this prove to be a deal-breaker?

Thanks to anyone who's still with me and cares to offer advice!

1. Thats up to you guys. Its always possible to get back together with someone. I normally dont date exes depending on why we broke up. But it could work out better for you. You both have to know what you want, though.

2. Not bad at all. I mean, if youre not together, then its fine. Normally, if you break up with someone, you are allowed to date others. Unless there is a reason no to. Or some sort of agreement. And a kiss is nothing. I kiss lots of people. Its fine.
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LinkPizza posted...

1. Thats up to you guys. Its always possible to get back together with someone. I normally dont date exes depending on why we broke up. But it could work out better for you. You both have to know what you want, though.

Thanks for taking the time to respond! It's a bit of a weird one as, at least for me, the reasons for the breakup were practical and subject to change going forward. I guess I'll need to give it time and see if my feelings fade or if I want to try to rekindle.

2. Not bad at all. I mean, if youre not together, then its fine. Normally, if you break up with someone, you are allowed to date others. Unless there is a reason no to. Or some sort of agreement. And a kiss is nothing. I kiss lots of people. Its fine.

I think it's the fact that we're still talking pretty regularly. I also feel bad over the slightest things so I guess I'll try not to worry about it, we were 100% not together when it occurred. Would you agree that I should mention it or not though?

FarmerGeddon posted...

Thanks for taking the time to respond! It's a bit of a weird one as, at least for me, the reasons for the breakup were practical and subject to change going forward. I guess I'll need to give it time and see if my feelings fade or if I want to try to rekindle.

Yeah. I would probably just wait to see what happens. Your feeling may fade, or you may realize you want to be together or not...

FarmerGeddon posted...

I think it's the fact that we're still talking pretty regularly. I also feel bad over the slightest things so I guess I'll try not to worry about it, we were 100% not together when it occurred. Would you agree that I should mention it or not though?

Thats totally up to you. If you were not together, then it really shouldnt matter. Especially just a kiss. Personally, I probably wouldnt mention it. And she probably wont ask. If she does, I would recommend telling the truth. But I wouldnt offer up random info like that. But you know her better than I do.
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All I can say is you certainly need to work on that paranoia as even if you didn't get back with your ex that could ruin any relationships you may have down the line. As for the kiss thing? If you ever get back with your ex I'd be honest about it right from the get go. You are both single as it stands so it really shouldn't be a issue but I'd imagine it's still best to be honest. If you guys don't decide to give it another go then of course there is zero need to tell her.
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LinkPizza posted...

Thats totally up to you. If you were not together, then it really shouldnt matter. Especially just a kiss. Personally, I probably wouldnt mention it. And she probably wont ask. If she does, I would recommend telling the truth. But I wouldnt offer up random info like that. But you know her better than I do.

As for the kiss thing? If you ever get back with your ex I'd be honest about it right from the get go. You are both single as it stands so it really shouldn't be a issue but I'd imagine it's still best to be honest. If you guys don't decide to give it another go then of course there is zero need to tell her.

Thanks guys, good to hear. I've just learnt she threw her bra on stage at a concert this evening and if I feel that's not crossing a line then I hope she'd think the same of me, haha.

All I can say is you certainly need to work on that paranoia as even if you didn't get back with your ex that could ruin any relationships you may have down the line.

Yeah, it felt like it would have happened regardless of the partner in question so it's definitely a 'me' issue.

There are many variables missing from the story but from what I can gather it seems that there's a disconnect somewhere. The problem may not lie with the other person; rather, within your own self/slves.

Perhaps you were not completely honest with yourself with regards to what you truly want and need. Perhaps you did not yet reach the maturity to truly recognise your wants and needs.

I think it may be prudent to do some introspection and soul searching.

This cannot be fixed with rebounds or new relationships. Those merely blur the problem.
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Alexandra_Trent posted...

There are many variables missing from the story but from what I can gather it seems that there's a disconnect somewhere. The problem may not lie with the other person; rather, within your own self/slves.

Perhaps you were not completely honest with yourself with regards to what you truly want and need. Perhaps you did not yet reach the maturity to truly recognise your wants and needs.

I think it may be prudent to do some introspection and soul searching.

This cannot be fixed with rebounds or new relationships. Those merely blur the problem.

Pretty much spot on I'd say. I'm not at all interested in rebounds or anything new right now though.

No advice here, but I love your username, TC.
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Sarcasthma posted...

No advice here, but I love your username, TC.

Well, thanks very much!