Board 8 > Board 8, I need some relationship advice

(+) Yeah! (+)

Normally I try not talking about really personal stuff here, but this has been affecting me pretty horribly. I've asked friends and they've given me what's probably the right answer, but I want to see some more neutral opinions.

So about a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 3 years. It had been an incredibly strong relationship up until about July/August. We had been living together nearly the whole time, began sharing bills and were discussing marriage/kids. But around the aforementioned time she began working two full time jobs. One was for money and the other she just really enjoyed doing. Now at this time we weren't having money issues at all I was making more than enough to cover both of us, but despite this she stopped being able to cover her own bills and even food or gas money. In addition to that I almost never saw her, she more often then not stayed at a friends house cause they lived closer to one of her jobs.

It's pretty easy to think that she had been cheating on me, but I'm like 95% sure that's not the case. It's not like her at all and she's always had a huge issue with people cheating on her, but needless to say the money issues and her not being home made the situation incredibly tense. We discussed breaking up several times, but didn't until she finally went back down to one job, but despite her doing that, her flaky behavior remained for a couple weeks, so I finally broke up with her, with the intention of letting us try and repair things without the expectations that come with relationships. We agreed on her still living here as friends and that she would start contributing more money. Seeing as how I'm posting this here it obviously didn't work as planned.

The situation is in flames now. All the issues we had have just worsened. We've had several heartfelt discussions on the issues we have with each other, but despite that her actions haven't shown the slightest sign of improving.

I've tried talking about just separating entirely and dropping all forms of contact, because that's the vibe I get, but she doesn't want to do that and insists that we keep being friends. Should I keep trying? Should I drop her entirely? Should I stay friends with and forget being in a relationship? (idk if I can physically do this one)

There's several other details I can go into if you guys need more info. I didn't want to make the opening post too long.

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Based off of the details you presented here, this sounds like a potentially dangerous relationship to continue in any form. That doesn't mean you've failed in any respect, either. But steep declines turn into precipitous drops, and it's healthier for you to sever communication based on this.
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Two full time jobs and no bills/food/gas?

Did you never ask where it all was going?
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Yes, and in her defense a couple of big things happened including work on her car, and her credit card info being taken, but those were months ago and she has since gotten the credit card stuff back and taken care off, but she's still broke.

That said I've been covering rent, all the bills and just bought a car with just my single job so it still doesn't line up tbh.

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it sounds like you've done your fair share of trying to make things work and help her out

it's a cliche but you can't help someone who doesn't want it, and your own life should not be dragged down any further by someone who you've already determined is not for you.
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Yeah severing communication is what my friends were suggesting as well, but it's weird. The situation was such a colossal heel turn, we went from spending majority of our free time together to none at all. She's given a reason, which has a little bit of truth to it, but it still feels like little more than a way to just blame me, which I accepted the blame for initially and apologized and tried to change it, but only recently I thought about it and I feel like she's acted this way before with others.

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"board 8 I need some relationship advice"

I found your first mistake
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Working two jobs and still being broke sounds to me like a drug problem, tbh

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you're the insurance for her when she's eventually bored with whatever guy she's fucking on the side

I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but trust me when I say girls don't suddenly turn distant and spend less time with you because of a new job, if they are into you they will find the time

the length of your relationship doesn't matter, never fall into a sunk cost fallacy and think your time investment is too long to throw away
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

Working two jobs and still being broke sounds to me like a drug problem, tbh

I was thinking this potentially as well. Maybe I underestimate minimum wage where tc is but two full time jobs it should take more than car problems to cause someone to go broke. Especially sharing bills and expenses.

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

Working two jobs and still being broke sounds to me like a drug problem, tbh

Nah that one's impossible, she hates drugs more than the thought of cheating due to some heavily personal reasons. She's even tried smoking weed a couple times and thinks it's just a waste of time. She's more likely to be cheating on me

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Yeah she was making more than minimum.

One job was 12 and the other was like 13.50
I was making 16.50 at 50 hrs a week.

Minimum where we live is like 8.75

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I agree with the general sentiment. Don't get caught up in how things used to be. She's using you one way or another, and not holding up her end of things.

It's one thing to work through shared issues and being a partnered unit. It's another thing to not get anything out of the current set-up.

Cut your losses, cut her out of your life.
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BetrayedTangy posted...

Nah that one's impossible, she hates drugs more than the thought of cheating due to some heavily personal reasons. She's even tried smoking weed a couple times and thinks it's just a waste of time. She's more likely to be cheating on me

I dunno, "heartfelt discussions" and no change really screams drugs.

If she was cheating on you, I don't see how or why she would spend multiple nights explaining and commiserating with you just to keep seeing them, especially for a fling that by your estimation could only have started in July.

Even people with heavy trauma from drug abusers who hate drugs their whole lives can become addicts if they're not careful, so I wouldn't write that off.

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If she isnt paying rent or bills for the apartment one of those jobs should be more than enough to keep her from being broke and the 2nd should have been able to cover the car expenses.

She is blowing a lot of money somewhere and taking advantage of the fact she can live free off of you. Of course she wants to remain friends, your paying for her housing. If her behavior isnt reflectihn this friendship she says she cares about then you are just being used for money at that point.
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I agree with everyone else except for one caveat because you sound like deep down you want to salvage this relationship:

Drop an ultimatum of "tell me exactly what's going on, if it's drugs I won't judge and I will help you through it, but if you don't, we're DONE done, because this isn't fair to me, and I respect myself too much to continue".

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So... she's working two full-time jobs even though she doesn't need to, staying at a friend's house more than your shared place, somehow isn't paying her end of the bills despite having two jobs, and now she's making things tense?

Yeah, whatever she's soaking her money into, it can't be good - especially since she's not telling you. She should've stuck to the job she enjoyed doing. What were those two jobs? Is there anything suspicious about the second one? Because I'm wondering if that's what started all this.
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Honestly my thoughts on her being this distant is frankly immaturity. I think drugs/cheating would make sense under a lot of normal circumstances, but it feels like shes more than anything just trying to avoid the situation hoping it goes away. She doesn't like responsibility and expectations, before we got together she was doing the same thing with her mom. She had like two or three jobs and was sleeping at her same friends college dorms. My assumption would be she viewed her mom as overbearing and is likely viewing me the same way.

That said I don't think it changes the situation much and I think your guys' general solution is correct nonetheless

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BlueCrystalTear posted...

So... she's working two full-time jobs even though she doesn't need to, staying at a friend's house more than your shared place, somehow isn't paying her end of the bills despite having two jobs, and now she's making things tense?

Yeah, whatever she's soaking her money into, it can't be good - especially since she's not telling you. She should've stuck to the job she enjoyed doing. What were those two jobs? Is there anything suspicious about the second one? Because I'm wondering if that's what started all this.

The job she liked ended, it was a Flower nursery job. Her other one was overnights at a hotel, and then she picked up an optometry office. Then quit both and is now a server and as well as just started a pharmacist job at Walgreens.

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BetrayedTangy posted...

Honestly my thoughts on her being this distant is frankly immaturity. I think drugs/cheating would make sense under a lot of normal circumstances,

ok, thats cool and all, but whats your theory on where the money is going? Because the excuses youve offered so far just dont wash for someone with two jobs.

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Is this the north Dakota girl?

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I've had two theories

1. She'll lose money on her car or the credit card stuff. Then be stupid and quit one of the jobs and continue to spend what little she had on food/gas/etc.

2. She's just lying about being broke and just doesn't want to help me

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Bossman_Coolguy posted...

Is this the north Dakota girl?

Haha no you must be thinking of a different user

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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

Working two jobs and still being broke sounds to me like a drug problem, tbh

She's a fuckin cryptocurrency investor

But seriously it doesn't really matter where her money is going. I was in a similar position to her before (plenty of money but not really able to emotionally invest at all) and the only thing that helped me was my ex doing a fully dark cold turkey on me. It's a huge burden to put on the ex sure, but it IS something you can control and see real benefits from quickly, so you should definitely try it. 1-2 years later you can always go and reconnect and see how things are going if you still really care.
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BetrayedTangy posted...

Her other one was overnights at a hotel, and then she picked up an optometry office. Then quit both and is now a server and as well as just started a pharmacist job at Walgreens.

Okay, so how long was she at the optometry office? If she's at Walgreens for a similarly short period of time, that's becoming a pattern. She would need to clear a drug test for a job like that.

I'm going to concur with Tony: You need to get the truth out of her. If she won't tell you, then you cut it off and wish her the best of luck with her life. If she does tell, then maybe you can address this problem at its root. If she's not communicating, your relationship will never work out again - that's just how it goes, and if she doesn't understand that, then you should find someone who does.
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BlueCrystalTear posted...

Okay, so how long was she at the optometry office? If she's at Walgreens for a similarly short period of time, that's becoming a pattern. She would need to clear a drug test for a job like that.

Not long she said she quit due to sexual harassment. She did o line classes and passed a certification exam for the job. If she was in it for the drugs I highly doubt she would've done all that

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Also for what it's worth I've had a roommate on heavy drugs before and I know the behavior, plus we have a handful of valuable comic books, some of which are exclusively hers. They'd be sold already if it was drugs.

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Anyway I've come to my conclusion.

I told her she needs to move her stuff out, etc. and were to stop communicating once all the official business is out of the way (phone plan, keys, etc.)
She asked what made me come to that conclusion, as tempting as it was to just say GameFAQs and move on. I told her I would tell her the reason for the umpteenth time either over the phone or in person and if she immediately starts changing before she's fully moved out then I might be willing to work with her.

I really appreciate the advice everyone I don't think I would've actually went about pulling the trigger on this otherwise.

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BlueCrystalTear posted...

You need to get the truth out of her

You really don't. It's not like you can just "win" this one time then it's smooth sailing forever. You have to seriously leave her if you ever want her back.
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foolm0r0n posted...

But seriously it doesn't really matter where her money is going.

Seconded.

While she has free rent at her friend's, she ignores you. While she has free rent at your place, she wants to "stay friends" but relations aren't actually improving between you. She's basically using you. We could speculate all day as to why, but yeah, it's pretty over.
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Well as far as the 2 full time jobs and no money thing goes...

My aunt was the same way. She worked at a decent job. She had a husband who worked full time as well. They always told everyone they were broke and barely making ends meet.

After years and years my uncle caught her. She always got paid in cash at her job and told him she was being underpaid or something.she was working part time and not being honest, and she would go like 3 days a week to the casino when she said she was at work. She had a huge gambling problem. She would lie and tell him she made a small amount of money when in reality she was gambling a large portion away every week. She also had taken out credit cards and maxed them out which meant to keep it alive she had huge minimum payments

someone who is blatantly being this dishonest with you is someone you need to cut out of your life. you made the right call. trust is a two way street and she clearly doesn't trust you enough to fill you in on what is really going on. a relationship built on manipulation is never going to be worth your time.

It's probably best to cut ties with her and have her move out. Because it sounds like she's using you as a crutch, and that's not cool.
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All I will say is, breakups suck, probably the worse thing to go through in life other than deaths in the family or losing a pet, after investing so much time with an individual. It's cliche, but time heals all. Do things to get your mind off of her. Keep your head up, man.
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BetrayedTangy posted...

as tempting as it was to just say GameFAQs and move on

This would have been legendary

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