Current Events > As Pride month ends, I'm reflecting on my childhood as a gay kid (long post)

(+) Yeah! (+)

And I acknowledge that I still hold on to so much trauma and hurt from that childhood

I grew up in East LA, which is a predominately Latino community. I kept my sexuality hidden, since as early as 6th grade I recognized who were the people in my classes who would beat me up if they knew. Because of this I grew a resentment for "Mexican culture," since I knew that the "culture" would not approve of me at all. (I honestly had fantasies that I would grow up and marry a lesbian friend and that we would keep our secret hidden while maintaining a "family," lol)

My biggest inner conflict was succumbing to gay stereotypes. I knew I had interests in art, drama, fashion, etc., but I had to keep all of that locked away. I therefore stuck to reading, devoting my time to my schoolwork, and finding joy in video games.

I couldn't really speak about it with my family since talking about sex at all is frowned up in Catholic households, and I felt shame in that such a big part of my identity was so closely aligned with sex. I hated myself for even thinking that I deserved to think about sex for pleasure, instead of a means to start a family. And it was so conflicting to have these thoughts at such a young age since I told myself, what deviant is thinking about all this at 14~ years old? I kept my shame hidden, and grew more ostracized from my family, school, and friend group

When I got to college, I immediately attended the first meeting for the college's LGBTQ group. They did that thing where everyone shares out their name, gender pronouns, and a fun fact. When I got to my turn, I was so nervous, but I said my name, and I said that I was gay... and that it was my first time telling a room full of people that. They all clapped for me, and I began to cry, because I never though, in my entire life, that I would hear applause for myself. I'm crying now as I type this because it really does suck to grow up thinking that you aren't deserving of anything because of a secret filled with shame. And I don't think I've overcome that yet, and I do acknowledge that I need to spend more time in finding things that I love about myself, because honestly I've never been able to name much.

I apologize now, I recognize that typing a long post online isn't very beneficial to me. But I appreciate anyone reading it. I guess I really need therapy, huh. :|

---

Mad props for writing something like this. I'm glad you were able to find acceptance later on in life.

Ah, I'm really proud of you, TC. :) Keep fighting and get happy. <3

---

parabola_master posted...

When I got to my turn, I was so nervous, but I said my name, and I said that I was gay... and that it was my first time telling a room full of people that. They all clapped for me, and I began to cry, because I never though, in my entire life, that I would hear applause for myself.

Got a little teary myself. Good for you, dude.

---

Thank you all for your replies

---

love ya TC

---

thanks for your story, TC.

have you been able to come out to your family yet?


---

Making people ashamed of feeling sexual desires to the point they feel guilty for even thinking about it is one of the many, many things I despise about religion. As much as I don't want kids I still feel like I should have some so I can raise them right and not force them to spend years miserable because of fairy tales written in a 2000 year old book.

If people want to be religious and live life without any fun because they believe there is something better after, then I don't give a shit, it's not my problem that they wasted their lives. But because people force these views on their children is why I hate it all with a burning passion.

---

boxington posted...

thanks for your story, TC.

have you been able to come out to your family yet?

Yes I did. They both took time to accept it, but honestly its not something we talk about when were together.

---

sorry for the unrelated post but who would consider this post long? lol

I was ready to read like 3/4 long posts
---

parabola_master posted...

Yes I did. They both took time to accept it, but honestly its not something we talk about when were together.

You're very lucky, in the southern US when protestant Christian's find out their son is gay, they're completely disowned and cut out of their lives.

---

I have a cousin who's bi, and when she came out to her dad, he apparently didn't take it well, and they've had a strained relationship since.

and our background is east African Catholic, so I feel like his reaction was on the tamer side

---

boxington posted...

I have a cousin who's bi, and when she came out to her dad, he apparently didn't take it well, and they've had a strained relationship since.

and our background is east African Catholic, so I feel like his reaction was on the tamer side

Yeah, with protestants in the US the most likely result is you being dead to them in their mind

---

MrFingers07 posted...

sorry for the unrelated post but who would consider this post long? lol

I was ready to read like 3/4 long posts

lol yeah I was surprised at how short the post was after that warning

TheGreatGeno6 posted...

Yeah, with protestants in the US the most likely result is you being dead to them in their mind

I had a gay neighbor, he was around 50 years old. Grew up in a town in the southeast U.S. His family was prominent in the town. Very religious. His dad broke his arm and collarbone when he told his parents he was gay. Took a train to Chicago and lived on the streets until a random family took him in.

---

+1

---

Shablagoo posted...

lol yeah I was surprised at how short the post was after that warning

I had a gay neighbor, he was around 50 years old. Grew up in a town in the southeast U.S. His family was prominent in the town. Very religious. His dad broke his arm and collarbone when he told his parents he was gay. Took a train to Chicago and lived on the streets until a random family took him in.

The fucked up thing is, I'd much rather be homeless on the streets of Chicago today than be found out as gay in any small southern town 50 years ago.

---

I recently watched HBOs Were Here and its opened my eyes to how much harder it is to be out in some southern/rural states. Its awful that the only hope some of these people have is to move to a big city :(

---