Current Events > I have a mental problem and I need help with it.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I can't feel anything.

It hit me like it never has before. One of my best friend's partner gave birth at 21 weeks and the baby didn't make it due to hemorrhaging throughout the pregnancy. It's one of the worst things in the world and it's not about me, obviously, so I'm not going to discuss this with my friends and family but the Internet is the perfect spot for it.

I feel bad for him, in the sense that I wish it hadn't happened to him, but... I don't "feel" anything, personally. As in when he told me (via messenger, we live in different states), I was like oh damn, but didn't actually react or feel sad or upset or anything like that. I'm honestly not sure how to even describe those feelings.

Does it make me a terrible person? What should I do?

---

If you couldn't feel anything it wouldn't occur to you that there's something wrong. You don't feel what you think you should, and that bothers you.

See: why schizoid personality disorder sufferers don't seek treatment.

---

Schizoid personality disorder is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment and apathy.

Not to self diagnose but that sounds exactly like me, except that I am aware that this is not socially acceptable so I don't actually act on my thoughts. I'm married with a few very close friends as well.

You're right in that, I feel like I know how I should act/react in certain situations, so I just do that because it's what I should do, but it's not a natural reaction for me.

---

Honestly, there are types of grief that are just too vast to understand if you are unable to personally relate. I don't think this indicates anything wrong, but is closer to a defense mechanism or just simply that you don't have any emotional context to empathize with just how traumatic an experience that would be. Therefore, you simply feel as though your reaction is disproportionate since you know that the situation is of life changing significance to your friend. It might still hit you at a later time too.

---

DespondentDeity posted...

Honestly, there are types of grief that are just too vast to understand if you are unable to personally relate. I don't think this indicates anything wrong, but is closer to a defense mechanism or just simply that you don't have any emotional context to empathize with just how traumatic an experience that would be. Therefore, you simply feel as though your reaction is disproportionate since you know that the situation is of life changing significance to your friend. It might still hit you at a later time too.

The same thing happened when my wife's sister went through a divorce. The whole time was so emotional and traumatic for them but I didn't feel anything... internally whenever people are upset about things I want to scream, "who cares, let's just fix the problem"...

---

You're fine.

---

Does this cause impairment in your life and if so how?

---

ChaseWINovich posted...

Schizoid personality disorder is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment and apathy.

Not to self diagnose but that sounds exactly like me, except that I am aware that this is not socially acceptable so I don't actually act on my thoughts. I'm married with a few very close friends as well.

You're right in that, I feel like I know how I should act/react in certain situations, so I just do that because it's what I should do, but it's not a natural reaction for me.

As a person diagnosed with it, the bad news is there's no accepted treatment other than therapy, but we aren't particularly receptive to therapy situations, so it's problematic. Either way, I hope you find whatever help you need.

If you're married, you're already more well adjusted than the rest of us. I'm still dating in my 40s (which... not all bad, but not ideal either).

---

Step 1 - Don't bring these issues to CE. No one qualified to help, trolls will try to get a rise out of you. These never work out well, and this place isn't any kind of happy, uplifting environment with people wanting and willing to help. This isn't the place for this.

---

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Does this cause impairment in your life and if so how?

It's probably the biggest strain between my wife and I, she's very emotional about things and I'm just.. unemotional. When bad things happen she wants to talk them through, actually go through a grieving process, and feel bad, whereas I skip all that and go immediately to "lets fix the problem so the bad feeling goes away". It causes a lot of fights for us

---

ChaseWINovich posted...

It's probably the biggest strain between my wife and I, she's very emotional about things and I'm just.. unemotional. When bad things happen she wants to talk them through, actually go through a grieving process, and feel bad, whereas I skip all that and go immediately to "lets fix the problem so the bad feeling goes away". It causes a lot of fights for us

Ok, so you know this and are talking about doing what you consider socially acceptable, which should be...?(I know you know the answer to this)

---

I mean not to be a dick but why should it extend beyond "fuck that sucks" wasnt you kid or a sibblings kid. You werent in the same state, you werent invested in the pregnacy process. Those feelings only extend so far, just be there for your friend if they need you.

---

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Ok, so you know this and are talking about doing what you consider socially acceptable, which should be...?(I know you know the answer to this)

Trying to be more emotional and receptive to her needs.

---

ChaseWINovich posted...

Trying to be more emotional and receptive to her needs.

You don't need to force yourself to be emotional, but when you try to skip past her process to "fix things", you are indicating that you don't find her feelings valid whether you intend to do so or not. If she has a process, you should support her through that, then focus on solutions after letting her express her feelings.

---

ChaseWINovich posted...

Trying to be more emotional and receptive to her needs.

Not necessarily, you don't need to be more emotional, but being more receptive to her needs and helping her grieve is what is important. You may not need to grieve or get emotional about anything that she does, but her having a partner that at least recognizes when she needs to be that way will go a long way. I am in the same boat as you and can assure you I hate the fact that so many people want to share their feelings with me because I am such a good listener and offer such insightful advice because I have learned to use this way of thinking to stay unbiased and calm when people are having a tough time.

---

vigorm0rtis posted...

If you couldn't feel anything it wouldn't occur to you that there's something wrong. You don't feel what you think you should, and that bothers you.

See: why schizoid personality disorder sufferers don't seek treatment.

That's not entirely true. Plenty of people with severe mental illness are still very aware of it.

People are different.

People are NOT like in the movies/TV/boks and empathy/sympathy can manifest in different ways over different things..

---