Current Events > ITT we post absurdist/morbid/dark humor jokes

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I love these kinds of jokes, and I can't get enough of them. If this is not your kind of humor, I recommend you steer clear of this topic. However, I also ask that, in this topic, we keep it clean, i.e. no cursing or jokes of a sexual nature, please.

I'll start with some:

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Why did sally drop her ice cream? She got hit by a truck.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said, "Sorry sir, I can't loan out anything knowing you won't be bringing it back."

A man walks into a diner, goes up to the counter, and orders a bowl a chili. The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili, for a while.
'Are you going to eat that?' the first man asked. 'No, you can have it if you want,' the second man answered. So he took the bowl and started eating. About halfway through the bowl, he was chewing and felt a crunch. The man looked down, and saw half of a rat sitting in the chili. He immediately threw all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man said, "Yeah, thats about as far as I got too."


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Squid7777 posted...

However, I also ask that, in this topic, we keep it clean, i.e. no cursing or jokes of a sexual nature, please.

ok that last joke was far less clean than any cursing or sexual jokes could be lol

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Shablagoo posted...

ok that last joke was far less clean than any cursing or sexual jokes could be lol

Just humor me. (See what I did there?)

Here's more.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere

My family is like a treasure. You need a nap and a shovel to find them.

I saw my wife chopping up onions in the kitchen and it made me cry. Onions was such a good dog...

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a service. If you do it at home, you are destroying evidence.

Three men were applying for a position at the FBI. The instructor, looking to test their willingness to follow orders, gave the first guy a gun and told him to go into the next room and shoot his own wife. He couldn't do it. He gave the gun to the next guy and told him the same thing, but he couldn't kill his own wife either. He hands the gun to the third guy, and after several minutes pass, he walks out and hands the gun back to the instructor. He says, "the gun wasn't loaded so I had to strangle her to death."

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing, except at a funeral.


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What's the biggest draw back of the jungle?

An elephant's foreskin.

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Eat More Beef posted...

I mean, that's exactly the kind of thing I said NOT to do right in the first post...

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I saw a little girl crying and I asked her "Whats wrong? Where are your parents?" She started crying even more.

Sometimes I love working at an orphanage.

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why do woman wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly and they smell.

I saw a homeless man at the park eating grass.

I go up to him and ask "Why are you eating the grass?"

"I'm starving" he replies.

Feeling bad for him, I told him to come with me.

You should've seen his face when he saw my front lawn.

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I was so drunk last night I blew bubbles
bubbles is my dogs name

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When Jim was playing on his phone, his grandfather told him, You are way too dependent on technology!Jim then said, No, YOU are too dependent on technology! and then Jim disconnected his grandfathers life support.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped into help. He didnt stand a chance against the three of us.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Ive been looking for my ex girlfriends killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, but the ungrateful brat just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didnt have any arms.
Knock knock. Whos there? Not Susie.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, Momma, why is my name Rose? The mommy cow replies, Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born. The next calf comes up and asks, Momma, why is my name Lily? The mother replies, Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born. The third baby comes up and asks, Momma, why is my name Daisy? The momma cow again replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, Huh Ruh Buh Duh! The momma cow says, Shut up, Cinderblock!

Would you like to try African food??
Yeah, they would too.

To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide but you can't run.

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What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.

What do you get when you cross Magic Johnston and a wheelchair?
Rolaids!

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I quit smoking cold turkey last year. It was pretty easy. Just told myself I'd only smoke after sex.

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Squid7777's love life.

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You know dark humor is a lot like kids with cancer. They never get old

Youre da bomb! No, youre da bomb!
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus... So I lost my job as a bus driver.

My girlfriends dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?

Its sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as grizzly bears.

What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them
But I was just wondering should I keep all the letters?

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "Im sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!" The doctor calmly replies Nine."

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies
I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage.


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A man walks into a bar...

His alcoholism is destroying his family.

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Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

How are your best friend and a tree similar? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

Give a man a plane ticket and hell fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and hell fly for the rest of his life.

Whats the difference between Jimmy and cancer? Jimmy's dad didnt beat cancer

When the cannibal was late for dinner, all he got was the cold shoulder.

A woman was out of town on a business trip, leaving her mother and her cat under the care of her husband. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going? He responded with, The cat is dead. She cried out and said, Why couldnt you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day say it broke its leg, then the next day say that the poor thing is dead! You're so insensitive. Anyways, hows my mom? The husband says, Shes playing on the roof.


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Only the best people in the world can enjoy dark humor imo.

If you're the type to get shocked by it, I'm guessing you're also the type of person who never wants to ponder life's absurdities in general.

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I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

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Spiciest topic I've read in a while.

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"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy hung himself in the basement!" Little Susie exclaimed.

Completely shocked, Mom knew Dad had lacked vigor lately but never thought it would come to this. With a lump in her throat and trying her best to hold back tears, Mom made her way to the basement, only to find no one there.

"April Fools Mommy! He did it in the garage!"

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I was fired from my volunteering gig yesterday helping blind children. I thought I was doing pretty good but after I helped blind the 4th child they made security throw me out.

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I was tired of women laughing at my foreskin but lacked money for the proper procedure so I opted for a cheap circumcision.

It was a rip off.

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An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Never break someones heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Whats the best way to cure the hiccups? Suicide.

Me, on a date: I work with animals for a living.
Her: oh that's sweet, what do you do?
Me: I'm a butcher.

One mans trash is another mans treasure Wonderful saying, Horrible way to find out you were adopted.


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What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open the gifts.

I have an EpiPen.
A friend gave it to me when he was as dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Whats brown and really bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.


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I'm going to steal an Anthony Jeselnik joke and probably mess it up lol

When I was in elementary school some kids liked to play hide in seek in an abandoned house. One time they didn't find a kid until days later when they looked inside the fridge. Some people say that it's a sad story, but I disagree. Not everyone gets to die a winner
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A group of rich kids were nice enough to play baseball with a bunch of homeless street kids. What was the final? Rich kids - 8, homeless kids didn't.
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