Current Events > How do you not get depressed about looks?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I understand that someone's confidence, personality, status, career etc particularly about men still matter, but man, how do I/you not get flustered about the whole thing? Intimacy is a human need. I know there's stuff about me that I should change to be better equipped for intimacy and I have a lot of problems. However, other people also have tons of problems but they at least get a chance at love/intimacy if they're good looking, and if they're good looking enough, they are forgiven for their problems instead of an expectation to overcome them. My life and situation could be way worse than it is and I'm fortunate to have some of the things in my life, and it's not like every good looking person only gets by on their looks, but I still feel like looks is some cheat code that some people have that helps them just because they were born.

It feels like there's this huge party of dating, sex, and spontaneity that's happening all around me and I'm not allowed to participate 80% of the time. The other 20% depends on me developing some sort of bullheaded confidence or straight up psychoness to delude myself into being some superior human for confidence. Go ahead and tear me apart, I love yall

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There was once a girl I thought was unattractive. Not ugly. But like a 4/10
She was incredibly kind and sweet. She quickly became a 6/10

It was then I realized the secret of how to be attractive
lies and deceit so people think you're a good person
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nothanks1 posted...

There was once a girl I thought was unattractive. Not ugly. But like a 4/10
She was incredibly kind and sweet. She quickly became a 6/10

Yeah people can definitely be more attractive based on their energy, and just the aspect of interacting with them and a mutual "oh you give a shit about me" vibe.

In that case, it's more like the psychology of what's going on has to prove to you that the looks are secondary. If she was an 8/10 to begin with and you got to know her, she'd be the girl of your dreams in the same time you determined she was 6/10.

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Because I don't live by the overall agreement from society that it's the most important thing ever. And if I feel that way, there must be others out there. Not that Im hideous, but I definitely let a few things slip. Once you strip away the feeling that society has everything correct and you're just suppose to play along, you're rewarded with a sense of freedom to be happy with who you are and not angry about who you're not.

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Because I know I'm attractive.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Yeah people can definitely be more attractive based on their energy, and just the aspect of interacting with them and a mutual "oh you give a shit about me" vibe.

In that case, it's more like the psychology of what's going on has to prove to you that the looks are secondary. If she was an 8/10 to begin with and you got to know her, she'd be the girl of your dreams in the same time you determined she was 6/10.

the point I'm making is your own looks are perceived by personality of others
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nothanks1 posted...

the point I'm making is your own looks are perceived by personality of others

It's like when someone compares someone to a celebrate and you're like "...the fuck are you talkin about? No, not at all.". We all got our own perception on looks, yes.

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So who gives a fuck about what you think about you
It's how the world thinks about you
It's all a game to trick others into thinking you're worthwile so you can take advantage of them
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It is true that some people are more gifted genetically and have an easier time achieving whatever "look" society accepts as superior. But there's a few caveats to that.

• Anyone can raise their "look" on the attractiveness scale. Losing weight, building muscle, being well-groomed, wearing clothes that fit and is classy/sporty/hipster/whatever image you are going for, treating acne/other blemishes, wearing makeup (for women), experiment with facial hair combinations (for men), and if you have the disposable income, get Lasek to rid of the glasses or a hair transplant to heal balding spots if you feel those are a detriment to you
• The second point is that while there is the "Hollywood male" or "GQ male" look that people strive for, not all tastes are the same. I've known girls that perform the skinny, Edward from Twilight look, others that prefer the buff Dwayne Johnson look, and others that appreciate the slightly thicker lumberjack look (especially in the central US/northwest). Preferences vary, so your best bet is to learn what type of "look" you are naturally built for and aim for that, rather than trying to attain a "look" that you have no possible way of achieving. For example, many guys will never look like a Disney prince no matter how hard they try. Their head shape, body shape, jaw line, facial structure just aren't fit for that. But they can still attain a look that others can find attractive if they work with what they do have.
• And lastly, I know you mention in your OP the importance of the other factors such as personality, confidence, etc., but I do want to emphasize that they complete the package. My sister-in-law has dated guys based on nothing but looks, and quickly finds out they are either shallow, stupid, abusive, or all of the above, and her relationships have ended horribly. Looks do give people an unfair advantage as that is the first thing you notice about a person. But the other factors become important after the first meeting. Looks alone don't make people happy, as you can see from the many Hollywood stars with failed marriages and other conventionally-attractive people who have taken their own lives due to depression.

All this to say, looks shouldn't be the most important thing in life, even though it might be for some people. Regardless, there are ways you can improve your own looks, just try for something that fits your own features, rather than trying to strive for a particular look you saw on TV or a movie.

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nothanks1 posted...

So who gives a fuck about what you think about you
It's how the world thinks about you
It's all a game to trick others into thinking you're worthwile so you can take advantage of them

Plus, would you want a partner that actually values who you are over your looks? Looks being priority are why we have so many shallow broken relationships to begin with. Well, not just that, but it's a contributor

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Ill tell you my secret that seems to work.

I dont think about myself, ever. There is no real concept of me in my mind. Hell, I tend to avoid looking at mirrors as I dont like tying a physical object to my existence.

It seems to work, people seem to interpret it as confidence. Actually, I just react to things.

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Hey if no neck ed can do it you can do it.

Mail order breh.

Just do it.
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Zanzenburger posted...

My sister-in-law has dated guys based on nothing but looks, and quickly finds out they are either shallow, stupid, abusive, or all of the above, and her relationships have ended horribly.

So is your brother super ugly? Otherwise this information might be irrelevant.

Zanzenburger posted...

It is true that some people are more gifted genetically and have an easier time achieving whatever "look" society accepts as superior. But there's a few caveats to that.

* Anyone can raise their "look" on the attractiveness scale. Losing weight, building muscle, being well-groomed, wearing clothes that fit and is classy/sporty/hipster/whatever image you are going for, treating acne/other blemishes, wearing makeup (for women), experiment with facial hair combinations (for men), and if you have the disposable income, get Lasek to rid of the glasses or a hair transplant to heal balding spots if you feel those are a detriment to you
* The second point is that while there is the "Hollywood male" or "GQ male" look that people strive for, not all tastes are the same. I've known girls that perform the skinny, Edward from Twilight look, others that prefer the buff Dwayne Johnson look, and others that appreciate the slightly thicker lumberjack look (especially in the central US/northwest). Preferences vary, so your best bet is to learn what type of "look" you are naturally built for and aim for that, rather than trying to attain a "look" that you have no possible way of achieving. For example, many guys will never look like a Disney prince no matter how hard they try. Their head shape, body shape, jaw line, facial structure just aren't fit for that. But they can still attain a look that others can find attractive if they work with what they do have.
* And lastly, I know you mention in your OP the importance of the other factors such as personality, confidence, etc., but I do want to emphasize that they complete the package. My sister-in-law has dated guys based on nothing but looks, and quickly finds out they are either shallow, stupid, abusive, or all of the above, and her relationships have ended horribly. Looks do give people an unfair advantage as that is the first thing you notice about a person. But the other factors become important after the first meeting. Looks alone don't make people happy, as you can see from the many Hollywood stars with failed marriages and other conventionally-attractive people who have taken their own lives due to depression.
All this to say, looks shouldn't be the most important thing in life, even though it might be for some people. Regardless, there are ways you can improve your own looks, just try for something that fits your own features, rather than trying to strive for a particular look you saw on TV or a movie.

Whaddup DsDude(19?). Yeah raising looks is a factor. I used to be way more fit and active in my early 20s but I've suffered some injuries from doing as such and I'm a little hesitant to go back in. I'm still in decent shape physically. I've been experimenting at work with styling my hair a different way every day, just for fun. My coworker is a hot guy and he puts a lot into grooming, so I figure I have no excuse to at least make my hair look cooler.

Those girls might have different preferences but even among preferences, there's still fundamental traits of attractive vs unattractive. Even among us guys, we don't all prefer 100% the same thing, for example most of us prefer 2 eyes that aim towards the same thing than a lazy eye. We like good teeth no matter what specific types of teeth we like. With girls, girls that like the nerdy guy like cute nerdy guys. They like distinguished academic high achieving guys with swag than just someone who's smart. If they pick a guy that doesn't look super good, it's because he's 100% of what they want instead of 90% what they want. Otherwise they'll try the 90% guy and either hope, settle for, or dedicate their life to change him into the extra 10%.

Lastly, I feel like it's unhealthy to assume "oh those hot guys are shallow". Let's say there are a pool of 100 hot guys for your sister to date and 35 of them are shitty guys. What about the other 65? Those guys are hot AND have their shit figured out. I feel like this is something average/ugly people tell themselves to feel better, me being one of them. Those hot-but-shitty guys are valuable until proven otherwise, whereas in average people's lives the opposite is true, shitty until proven valuable.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Whaddup DsDude(19?). Yeah raising looks is a factor. I used to be way more fit and active in my early 20s but I've suffered some injuries from doing as such and I'm a little hesitant to go back in. I'm still in decent shape physically. I've been experimenting at work with styling my hair a different way every day, just for fun. My coworker is a hot guy and he puts a lot into grooming, so I figure I have no excuse to at least make my hair look cooler.

Those girls might have different preferences but even among preferences, there's still fundamental traits of attractive vs unattractive. Even among us guys, we don't all prefer 100% the same thing, for example most of us prefer 2 eyes that aim towards the same thing than a lazy eye. We like good teeth no matter what specific types of teeth we like. With girls, girls that like the nerdy guy like cute nerdy guys. They like distinguished academic high achieving guys with swag than just someone who's smart. If they pick a guy that doesn't look super good, it's because he's 100% of what they want instead of 90% what they want. Otherwise they'll try the 90% guy and either hope, settle for, or dedicate their life to change him into the extra 10%.

Lastly, I feel like it's unhealthy to assume "oh those hot guys are shallow". Let's say there are a pool of 100 hot guys for your sister to date and 35 of them are shitty guys. What about the other 65? Those guys are hot AND have their shit figured out. I feel like this is something average/ugly people tell themselves to feel better, me being one of them. Those hot-but-shitty guys are valuable until proven otherwise, whereas in average people's lives the opposite is true, shitty until proven valuable.

Good points. Regarding your last comment, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't saying that all the guys my sister-in-law dated were shallow (or assumed as such). By her own admission, she has told me that she tends to fall for a guy's looks first, dates them, then realizes that their looks are the only thing going for them and she ends the relationship. Not that they are all that way, but the ones she has dated happened to be that way, and that's opened her eyes to be more selective about who she chooses to be in a relationship with. So nowadays, even when she sees a conventionally-attractive guy, she pauses, and really gets to know him first before she dates him.

I guess my point of that was that looks, while they are first thing people notice upon meeting you, only get you so far. There are girls (and guys) out there that have been burned by taking a "date based on looks only" approach that, as a result, have elevated traditionally-secondary traits such as confidence, personality, and kindness and mix them into the equation much earlier than they would have previously.

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Zanzenburger posted...

By her own admission, she has told me that she tends to fall for a guy's looks first, dates them, then realizes that their looks are the only thing going for them and she ends the relationship. Not that they are all that way, but the ones she has dated happened to be that way, and that's opened her eyes to be more selective about who she chooses to be in a relationship with. So nowadays, even when she sees a conventionally-attractive guy, she pauses, and really gets to know him first before she dates him.

I guess my point of that was that looks, while they are first thing people notice upon meeting you, only get you so far. There are girls (and guys) out there that have been burned by taking a "date based on looks only" approach that, as a result, have elevated traditionally-secondary traits such as confidence, personality, and kindness and mix them into the equation much earlier than they would have previously.

This is probably how it goes for a lot of women and is a comfortable thought, but it's so very hedged on the long game that it's still disheartening in its own way. You mean I gotta wait until I'm 40 before women appreciate me for who I am? Even in your sister's most immature state of being, looks is still giving them a chance to show who they are, rather than based off of, yknow just who they are. My overall point is that they have to be "burned" before they consider the opposite, which is a severe statement to make about any conditional group of people. They have to literally have had multiple bad experiences with looks to finally understand that looks don't equate to long term. That's something I have buried in me that I constantly work on without the experience of others. And this is only with long term needs. If they have short term needs, they'll still go for looks. And short term needs can still be important to our overall psyche in a long term way.

It just sucks man.

Also we all know that there are women that still fall for the looks thing no matter how much experience they have. It's just in our DNA and women are the selectors.

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I've been with some hot girls.

I can't be as ugly as I think I am. Plus I have a really good build in so far as broad shoulders and a tiny waist so if I'm in even okay shape I have a solid v taper.

I am currently in shit shape though. Lol.

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I ain't gonna read all these effort posts but I came here to say that looks will go on everyone. This pretty girl right now ain't gonna stay pretty for the rest of her life.

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Veggeta X posted...

I ain't gonna read all these effort posts but I came here to say that looks will go on everyone. This pretty girl right now ain't gonna stay pretty for the rest of her life.

Its still all relative though.

And then there's people like Sean Connery who was arguably more attractive at 50 than in his 20s and remained attractive till he died.

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I'm fat and bald with an inability to grow hair anywhere but on my ass

I just get very depressed about my looks and call it a day

CanuckCowboy posted...

Its still all relative though.

And then there's people like Sean Connery who was arguably more attractive at 50 than in his 20s and remained attractive till he died.

There are some exceptions and yall gotta realize the majority is NOT gonna be good looking in their 50s and 60s.

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Veggeta X posted...

I ain't gonna read all these effort posts but I came here to say that looks will go on everyone. This pretty girl right now ain't gonna stay pretty for the rest of her life.

I feel lame thinking like that. The way I deal with attractiveness being an inherent advantage is to be petty and hope they get what's coming to them later in life? Hell naw

Even if that hot girl becomes less at age 50, she's only going from 10 to 5, whereas average people are gonna still be 5. She's only leveling the playing field, not detracting.

And hell there are mature women who I can tell were hot af back in the day and are still hot now.

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Veggeta X posted...

There are some exceptions and yall gotta realize the majority is NOT gonna be good looking in their 50s and 60s.

50s isn't that old. Hell look at current actors. Most of the heart throb ones are north of 40.

I mean obviously most people are less attractive as they age but unless they age like total shit they remain more attractive than their similarly aged peers.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Even if that hot girl becomes less at age 50, she's only going from 10 to 5, whereas average people are gonna still be 5. She's only leveling the playing field, not detracting.

Naw bro they all go to 0.

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Veggeta X posted...

Naw bro they all go to 0.

Nah there's no way every 50yo is a 0 to you. Otherwise you'd have godly awareness of how the earth is orbiting the sun and be able to conjure up some more crazy shit other than when a lady turns from 49 to 50 exactly

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Tell me when you find out

Confidence, fake it till you make it AKA you don't care anymore and it stops being a bother.

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Its 70% presentation, unless youre already Ryan Gosling tier.

Much of that is grooming. Make an effort - wash your clothes, was yourself. Wear clothes that look decent. It doesnt have to be designer, but cargo pants and polo shirts bought at bargain basement prices arent gonna cut it. Figure out what you look good in. If you cant grow a decent beard and commit to keeping it groomed, for the love of god, shave. Thats just general advice in regards to taking pride in your appearance - itll make you feel better at the very least.

Confidence without arrogance is also important.

Im no super hot person by any means - the most favourable comment about my appearance is that I often get compared to David Tennant (if he was 58, lol). Id never attract a 10/10 in my dating days, but Id been hit on by enough 7/10s and 8/10s and a few 9/10s to know that it cant be all about looks in terms of the raw materials. Youve just got to refine yourself.

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I smile like a MOTHERFUCKER and radiate sunshine and happiness out of my ass

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I do get depressed over that. Every time I see an attractive person, I feel bad about myself and become envious. I've never succeeded in dating at all, furthest I've made it is a kiss I got when it was 12.

But... There was something I read a long time ago. That every person perceives you differently. With that, comes many differing opinions about you. Some may like you, some may not. The important thing is that there isn't going to be just one blanket opinion of you out there. It may feel like it, but it's not true. There are lots of opportunities, you just have to be lucky enough to find one.

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bad eyesight means i've never spent a lot of time really looking at myself in a mirror, so its never really been an issue i worried about.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

I do get depressed over that. Every time I see an attractive person, I feel bad about myself and become envious. I've never succeeded in eat ng at all, furthest I've made it is a kiss I got when it was 12.

But... There was something I read a long time ago. That every person perceives you differently. With that, comes many differing opinions about you. Some may like you, some may not. The important thing is that there isn't going to be just one blanket opinion of you out there. It may feel like it, but it's not true. There are lots of opportunities, you just have to be lucky enough to find one.

Bro I've seen your pics in the selfie topics. I think you're attractive af. I get lost in your eyes tbh

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Touch posted...

Bro I've seen your pics in the selfie topics. I think you're attractive af. I get lost in your eyes tbh

Thanks, even if that is the case though, it hasn't benefitted me. I get so jealous of people with any form of success.

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Kakapo posted...

Id been hit on by enough 7/10s and 8/10s and a few 9/10s to know that it cant be all about looks in terms of the raw materials

Aside from what you said, how could you not see the indication here? If the class average is a 50 and I'm getting 70s, 80s, and 90s, I'm doing well. Maybe we're both under Ryan Gosling but there's still relative differences. I'm more athletic than an 80 yr man on average but we're nothing compared to Usain Bolt. I've been complimented a few times in my life but they are so far and few in between that I can memorize every whole interaction. But idk, saying that you make 80k a year and are starving just seems disingenuous to everyone making 20k even if there are millionaires that exist.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Aside from what you said, how could you not see the indication here? If the class average is a 50 and I'm getting 70s, 80s, and 90s, I'm doing well. Maybe we're both under Ryan Gosling but there's still relative differences. I'm more athletic than an 80 yr man on average but we're nothing compared to Usain Bolt. I've been complimented a few times in my life but they are so far and few in between that I can memorize every whole interaction. But idk, saying that you make 80k a year and are starving just seems disingenuous to everyone making 20k even if there are millionaires that exist.

Im not saying that Im making 80k a year and am starving, thats not an apt analogy.

Im saying that Im not an attractive guy. Im not unattractive, but to be honest Im fairly middle of the road and I dont have the height advantage that most guys have. Wit and charm count for a hell of a lot more with people than youd expect.

Ill give you an example. A few New Years ago, I started chatting with a girl at a party my mate was holding. We got on well and were just pressing the post button too early. lol

We just talked about books and music, crap like that at first. Stuff that interested her. (Top tip: people love talking about themselves and what they like). She was good looking, far better looking than I am. She ended up giving me her number, but she was a bit too young for me, not really my type, and I was in a sort-of relationship and felt bad about screwing around.


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It ain't your looks it's what y'all got up in your boots.
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