Current Events > I just did a 0/10 shit. Jesus fucking Christ

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Typing this on the toilet. Warning for graphic content, you've been warned.

This might be the most painful shit I've ever done. I went drinking last night, and I hit up a gas station for some food and all that. Woke up this morning, played some Paladins, whatever.

Just now, I get the strongest poo cramp I've gotten in recent memory. It's like, if you put off taking a shit for long enough, it repeats on you with increasing urgency. Eventually you start cramping and it's a battle to basically not shit yourself, so you want to get it out of the way before it becomes that much of a hassle.

This is basically the theme song for every poo cramp ever:

https://youtu.be/to0XR-9yimQ
But I'm getting off-track.

I get hit with a magnitude 7.0 poo cramp right out of the gate. I battle it, I win, and I realise that I need to get this turd out of me right now because the next cramp is gonna be out of this world. So I get up, grab some clothes - and a magnitude 8.0 poo cramp hits like 30 seconds after the last one. I have to hunch over because it's hit so bad.

I'm panicking, because this situation is escalating like a fucking Zack Snyder movie with the pacing of Star Wars Episode 9. I grab a mostly clean dress-shirt and some shorts and I make fucking tracks for the toilet.

I'm not even out of my room when the magnitude 9.0 hits.

I basically have to throw myself out of my room, stumble to the toilet, throw my clothes in a pile of dust and wrestle my undies off with one hand. My guts feel like Armageddon.

That's just getting to the toilet.

I sit down, and I push - and something is seriously wrong.

This shit has friction against my guts. Like sure, you feel poop shifting when you sit down to take a dump - but this was like a defined lump of matter, running against all of my guts uncomfortably. I don't remember eating sand last night, so if it's this uncomfortable, it must be huge.

I feel it slide down my colon and get ready. I fucking feel it, like it's coated with sandpaper. This shit is MASSIVE. And I realise that this is going to be an ordeal whether I like it or not.

I could have sat there and put it off, weighing my options while this child-sized turd sat against my butthole. I could have pleaded, I could have begged for mercy. Either way, I'm sitting here at a stalemate, and it's gonna happen at some point. Can't put the genie back in the bottle, and if I somehow could, I would go through a magnitude 10.0 event and end up shitting myself. This is a no-win solution no matter how you cut it.

So I said "fuck it" and threw caution to the wind - and I shat.

I have never, in my life, done a shit that made me cry out in pain. I've done some gnarly shits in my day too - shits with the same quality of "I know this is going to hurt me". But I've never felt the need to vocalise while I'm shitting. Not once.

I yell out as I'm laying this golden fucking egg. It's a hushed yell, but I unironically cry out in pain while my asshole dilates to get rid of this poison that's inside me. You know the term "going in dry"? This shit was coming out dry. It was like getting fucked from the inside out with no lube.

It's over in about 3 seconds. But those three seconds were possibly the most painful three seconds I've ever spent shitting. I've spent more time typing this post than shitting, and whatever I produce in this post is profoundly less influential than the 2 or so minutes from poo cramp to anal annihilation.

I took a second to collect myself, and I look down.

There's blood.

Not blood from inside my body - I've shat blood before, I know what that looks like. This is like a trickle of blood on the poop, not in the poop.

I ripped my asshole.

No joke - this turd was such a monster that my asshole split open somewhere and started bleeding.

To be totally honest, this has happened before - I've actually felt it tear before, as opposed to feeling the screaming hot pain of a massive shit ripping through my life and leaving me despondent. Maybe that makes this less impressive. But this shit is beyond any other experience I've ever had, torn asshole or not. This shit was a tornado of pain, and this bloody asshole incident is probably the most damage I've ever done to myself on the toilet.

But get this.

When I wipe, it's all blood. All of it.

I wipe thoroughly, trying to avoid agitating my torn asshole, but thoroughly enough to know the scope of the situation. I'm completely dry. The only substance for me to wipe is blood.

The shit that ruined my Saturday was a no-wiper. It was about the size of a fist, and if it didn't literally tear my asshole open, it would have been a clean wipe.

This was truly a 0/10 shit. My life is genuinely worse for having done it. Any other day of the week, a no-wiper is a cause for celebration. Today, it was just pain.

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Well...I love the story.

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This is why you don't wait until it reaches this point.

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hey i really enjoyed reading this with the musical accompaniment. really good man

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Reading this topic while on the toilet doing a 8.5/10 shit.

Sucks to be you bruh. You'll live tho.

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holy shit, phenomenal storytelling, truly a rollercoaster but RIP to you

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hahaha great storytelling

you might want to eat more fibers and drink more water mate, you know to avoid splitting open your asshole

edit: you should write a book Mallard, Id buy it

sticky requested
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These are the high quality shitposts that keep me coming back to CE time and again.

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You basically passed a Shitney Stone

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TeaMilk posted...

hey i really enjoyed reading this with the musical accompaniment. really good man

There's a band with a word in their name that GameFAQs doesn't let you post, the first word in their name is "Anal". If you know, you know.

I can't post any of their music because their logo is obscene, but I would describe the event itself with pretty much any song they've ever made. Short of the shitpost album they made where it's all love songs and stuff.

Jagr_68 posted...

Reading this topic while on the toilet doing a 8.5/10 shit.

Sucks to be you bruh. You'll live tho.

I envy you.

DoomtheGrav posted...

sticky requested

o_o

DespondentDeity posted...

These are the high quality shitposts that keep me coming back to CE time and again.

thank u

Vyrulisse posted...

You basically passed a Shitney Stone

I did. I really, honestly did.

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"blood was everywhere"

"phrase not found"

fail

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MrMallard posted...

I took a second to collect myself, and I look down.

There's blood.

Not blood from inside my body - I've s*** blood before, I know what that looks like. This is like a trickle of blood on the poop, not in the poop.

I ripped my a******.

No joke - this turd was such a monster that my a****** split open somewhere and started bleeding.

@Medussa

I didn't use the phrase, but

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i know, it's just a meme at this point. i was surprised no one else beat me to it.

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Even when talking about literal shit you're so eloquent lmao

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did you just replace penis with shit to make this funny?

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DocileOrangeCup posted...

Even when talking about literal shit you're so eloquent lmao

this was a harrowing experience

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R1masher posted...

did you just replace penis with shit to make this funny?

I didn't. Everything I said in this topic is presented truthfully and earnestly.

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nikko004 posted...

holy shit, phenomenal storytelling, truly a rollercoaster but RIP to you

more like RIP goes my asshole, lol

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Sounds like a super-satisfying 10/10 tbh. Bet it was nice n stinky too.

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Did you take a shower after or just keep wiping? I've had hemorrhoid bleeding bad enough that it stains my finger through the toilet paper and I basically just had to say fuck it and shower at that point.
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This is loke the celibrity in a supermarket copy pasta tier