Current Events > Do you think most people marry their true love?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Or find someone that actually will marry them so they don't have to be alone but they kinda don't really love them.

Ha no.

If the divorce rate is >50%, probably not >_>

Nope, people settle for "that'll do"

Naaaaaah

The concept of a true love is asinine.

I've been dating my wife since 2003. We've done a lot of growing up together and she's my best friend. So I think we did alright. =P

However, the above post about divorce rate being so high is also a very good point about overall marriages.

Nope

Error1355 posted...

I've been dating my wife since 2003. We've done a lot of growing up together and she's my best friend. So I think we did alright. =P

However, the above post about divorce rate being so high is also a very good point about overall marriages.

Sounds like you found your true love.

marthsheretoo posted...

The concept of a true love is asinine.

Why do you say this?

True love is a bs childish notion to relationships.

"True love" is someone you care about who you share common life goals and principles with and have decided to work towards those goals together.

No lol

WingsOfGood posted...

Why do you say this?

Many different people can be compatible and assuming there is one single person in the world meant for you is ridiculous. If that were the case, the odds of meating your one true love would be astronomically low.

Solid Snake07 posted...

True love is a bs childish notion to relationships.

"True love" is someone you care about who you share common life goals and principles with and have decided to work towards those goals together.

This what people say who either found that love and were rejected, or never found said love methinks.

As it turns out, many men will even admit they married just because they were lonely/horny and don't truly love their wives.

Love is when you actually want to be around her almost always, actually excited to remember dates like anniversary and birthday, want to get along with her inlaws, and on and on. That is, true love is when you both do that for each other.

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Many different people can be compatible and assuming there is one single person in the world meant for you is ridiculous. If that were the case, the odds of meating your one true love would be astronomically low.

Define compatible.

I knew I wanted to marry my wife when we quarantined together at my house and I actually enjoyed having her there 24/7.

WingsOfGood posted...

This what people say who either found that love and were rejected, or never found said love methinks.

As it turns out, many men will even admit they married just because they were lonely/horny and don't truly love their wives.

Love is when you actually want to be around her almost always, actually excited to remember dates like anniversary and birthday, want to get along with her inlaws, and on and on. That is, true love is when you both do that for each other.

It's what people who've had the realization that loving someone isn't always enough to sustain a long relationship say, cause it's reality.

You're operating under the false notion that everyone is the same and is looking for or even wants what you've idealized in your head as the perfect relationship. Which just isn't true.

Solid Snake07 posted...

You're operating under the false notion that everyone is the same and is looking for or even wants what you've idealized in your head as the perfect relationship. Which just isn't true.

All humans want to be loved.

Chadawah posted...

I knew I wanted to marry my wife when we quarantined together at my house and I actually enjoyed having her there 24/7.

Happy for you. Hopefully you knew them more than 1 year though.

WingsOfGood posted...

Why do you say this?

If you had a true love and lined every compatible adult (right age range, gender, etc.) on the planet up, then got on a conveyer belt and had to determine whether they were your true love from .5 seconds of eye contact, it would take over a decade on average to find them. You really think people are out there finding theirs with odds like that?

Once you're done pondering that, explain the mechanism by which people are born with a true love, and why some people are able to find theirs and some don't.

Moving on, try talking to people who have been in relationships for 30+ years about love. I imagine you'll get a variety of answers, and not many of them will line up with the "true love" hypothesis. A lot of people in fact take the position that love is a choice, and/or that love is something you build day by day. People who believe in true love are often thinking about infatuation, which has little to no impact on relationships operating on a scale of decades.

No individual part of it holds up to scrutiny. But hey, at least it exists in movies!

Less than 50%. Account for 50% of marriages that make it and 50% that dont. But also have to account for the ones that are still married but unhappily.

WingsOfGood posted...

All humans want to be loved.

Not all people want to be loved the same way. Some people don't want to be with someone who wants to be with them all the time or is super invested into things like anniversaries. And some people do, neither is wrong they just need to find someone they're compatible with.

But if you're looking for perfection, or "the one" you're probably gonna be looking the rest of your life.

marthsheretoo posted...

Moving on, try talking to people who have been in relationships for 30+ years about love.

This is a bad metric. Just staying together doesn't infact mean it is a good thing. Some do it because they are afraid to leave even though they are truly unhappy.

WingsOfGood posted...

This is a bad metric. Just staying together doesn't infact mean it is a good thing. Some do it because they are afraid to leave even though they are truly unhappy.

I feel like if that's the case, you might be able to tell when you, I don't know, talk to one of them about their experience.

Or hold interviews beforehand to weed out unhappy couples or something. I don't know, but please talk to someone with actual relationship experience.

I'm gonna ask. How old are you, and how long has your longest relationship lasted?

Solid Snake07 posted...

But if you're looking for perfection, or "the one" you're probably gonna be looking the rest of your life.

Not perfection, but better to be single than with someone you don't love or who doesn't love you, at least that is my opinion.

marthsheretoo posted...

I feel like if that's the case, you might be able to tell when you, I don't know, talk to one of them about their experience.

Or hold interviews beforehand to weed out unhappy couples or something. I don't know, but please talk to someone with actual relationship experience.

I'm gonna ask. How old are you, and how long has your longest relationship lasted?

I love it how ceman always go this route. "Oh shit his arguments actually make sense and mine don't hold up to scrutiny. What if I pretend they are ignorant and a little kid? Then no one will notice!"

If you had actually taken your own advice you would find most people do not admit that they are in said relationships. Many people even months before they divorce want others to believe they met the one. Sure, sometimes a divorce coming is quite obvious, but often it is more of a rumination and admitting it out loud would force the action they are not sure they really going to go through with.

But since you asked, I am mid 30s. How old are you? You seem a bit naive.

WingsOfGood posted...

Oh shit his arguments actually make sense and mine don't hold up to scrutiny.

Dude, you have demonstrated a child's view of relationships ITT. I know you think you're making perfect sense, and that is why it's important for you to get some perspective. Since you avoided the question about your longest relationship, I'm guessing you don't have much experience there.
WingsOfGood posted...

If you had actually taken your own advice you would find most people do not admit that they are in said relationships. Many people even months before they divorce want others to believe they met the one. Sure, sometimes a divorce coming is quite obvious, but often it is more of a rumination and admitting it out loud would force the action they are not sure they really going to go through with.

It's actually pretty easy to tell when a divorce is coming if you look/listen for the signs. They won't say/admit it of course, but I've predicted divorces from fucking Facebook comments before. How did I develop this skill? By "following my own advice" and talking to a variety of people about their relationships.

WingsOfGood posted...

But since you asked, I am mid 30s. How old are you? You seem a bit naive.

You're in your mid-30s and you believe in true love? And you call me naive?

Early thirties here. And happily married.

Absolutely not, a lot of people settle.

Most people settle and then you have the people who do not realize they were the one their partner settled for. Divorce rates still being high only proves most people are not actually marrying the right person they are just settling and clearly that is not working.

marthsheretoo posted...

Early thirties here. And happily married.

You seem oddly defensive about this topic.....

RiKuToTheMiGhtY posted...

and then you have the people who do not realize they were the one their partner settled for

This is the saddest scenario. :(
Imagine not knowing your partner didn't believe true love and thought the idea was naive. Imagine being that woman...

WingsOfGood posted...

You seem oddly defensive about this topic.....

I'm proud of the love I have with my wife. Ascribing it to "true love" would only devalue it in my eyes. It's a toxic belief that does more harm than good.

FYI, being selective about what you reply to isn't slick. It's telling.

marthsheretoo posted...

I'm proud of the love I have with my wife. Ascribing it to "true love" would only devalue it in my eyes. It's a toxic belief that does more harm than good.

FYI, being selective about what you reply to isn't slick. It's telling.

Does your wife believe the same as you? She found someone convenient that worked and built love or whatever?

WingsOfGood posted...

Does your wife believe the same as you? She found someone convenient that worked and built love or whatever?

I never said anything about finding someone convenient. You made that up. But yeah, she believes we've built our love. Whatever infatuation you've felt in the past is only the beginning of what love can be, and it grows year by year. We nurtured our infatuation and built something fucking amazing out of it. I hope you get to experience something like it someday.

marthsheretoo posted...

I never said anything about finding someone convenient. You made that up. But yeah, she believes we've built our love.

So what do you believe? Were you in deep love with her when you married her or ?

WingsOfGood posted...

So what do you believe? Were you in deep love with her when you married her or ?

I proposed once I was certain that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I'd already loved her for a while, but I'd loved other women and marriage needs more than love to work. I knew I had what it would take with her.

Important edit: It's vital to never make this decision before the 2.5 year mark. There are biological reasons for this, but I don't feel like getting into em right now.

We discussed our future in broad strokes leading up to this, so the proposal was more of a formality. I would not recommend proposing if you aren't sure what the answer will be lol

I guess your contention is you believe true love is something you can only feel with one person because it seems to me you believe your wife is your true love.
Kinda weird contention. Anyways...

marthsheretoo posted...

I'm proud of the love I have with my wife. Ascribing it to "true love" would only devalue it in my eyes. It's a toxic belief that does more harm than good.

...what?

As long as you find someone that you trust, communicate with, you are able to reasonably compromise with each other, you work well as a team, can "be yourself" and comfortable around and not put on a false persona, and you can fulfill each other's emotional and sexual needs. I don't think there's "the one true love" but certain people are definitely more compatible with certain other people. Sometimes people need to know themselves and learn what they want out of a relationship too, cuz if they don't actually know, it can cause a bad dynamic.

And obviously big ol' titties is definitely a plus >_>

WingsOfGood posted...

I guess your contention is you believe true love is something you can only feel with one person because it seems to me you believe your wife is your true love.
Kinda weird contention. Anyways...

Eh, sorry if I offended. The term "true love" comes with a lot of cultural baggage and a connotation of singularity (after all, if you marry your true love, everyone else had to be untrue...right?) And if you decide someone is your true love, it's a lot easier to justify all sorts of things.

I freely acknowledge that it's possible we could have met other people and built lives with them and been just as happy. A different kind of happy, but happy all the same. That doesn't jibe with my definition of true love. If yours is different, great.

Error1355 posted...

...what?

I got careless with tracking what "it" is referring to, but I think the intended meaning is still clear enough.

Unless... are you referring to something else?

WingsOfGood posted...

Or find someone that actually will marry them so they don't have to be alone but they kinda don't really love them.

Reminder what this topic is about.

If you love your wife, idk why you arguing about this.

Unless your contention is most people are in love just the same as you guys are.

I'm not really arguing at this point tbh. Just shooting the shit.

I think there's definitely a tendency to grab a long-term partner once you realize you're aging out of your 20s or see your friends doing it. These decisions are usually made in haste and people can find they were poorly matched.

But compatibility is a complex beast and those same relationships can flourish and grow into strong things under the right circumstances. I don't think relationships that start off like that are inferior to relationships where high school sweethearts realized they were perfect for each other or somesuch.

I think I have to believe that in most-not all-relationships, both parties have convinced themselves they're happy.

Almost married someone I didn't really love. Twice. I think most people have this gestalt that tells them whether or not marriage with X person is truly the right decision.

What does true love even mean though? Because I agree with marth, I feel like a single person can potentially love different people if they in different situations, there's alot of compatible life long partners out there imo. Maybe I'm just being dumb here but when I see the term true love, I feel like it's implied that you and a specific person were destined to be together and no one else. That you can only truly love that destined individual and that they can only love you back. I don't agree with that, but maybe true love means something different?

If "true love" means that you truly love them, yes. Most don't marry out of convenience or because they are just horny or because they think they can't do better. It does happen of course, and that's sad.

But many people use "true love" to signify that there is only one person for each of us, and that is what is BS.

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear them say you can never break the chain

bsp77 posted...

If "true love" means that you truly love them, yes. Most don't marry out of convenience or because they are just horny or because they think they can't do better. It does happen of course, and that's sad.

But many people use "true love" to signify that there is only one person for each of us, and that is what is BS.

That is what I am asking.
I am not saying there is only one person out there but finding one of the people you truly love and they love you back is much harder than many people think. Many infact believe they found such a person to discover later that said person did not actually truly love them back.

I take your opinion that most do marry out of love to note.