Current Events > I'm not good at flirting.

(+) Yeah! (+)

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You just randomly started attacking me for whatever reason.
I don't need to know further to see a connection between your own comment about yourself and the fact that you somehow find what I said about respect to be cringe.

bsp77 posted...

Seeing a guy", as in a first date? No, I am not presumptuous. You are simply wrong.

Would they be against actually dating a guy chatting up other women? Sure, that seems likely.

??? I just don't get what seems to be the difference between "dating" or "chatting up'" or "mild flirting"

It's a bunch of formalities or labels. They all come down to the same thing: you are getting romantically involved with a person.

You are having a hard time understanding the difference.

Totally. Please explain what the difference is.

Mr_hulk88 posted...

??? I just don't get what seems to be the difference between "dating" or "chatting up'" or "mild flirting"

It's a bunch of formalities or labels. They all come down to the same thing: you are getting romantically involved with a person.

Totally. Please explain what the difference is.

Flirting, chatting, first dates are looking for compatibility. There are no promises, there are no commitments. Nothing wrong with casting a wide net.

After some dates (1, 3, whatever, it differs), it is decided that this is worth pursuing. That is when you stop seeing other people (unless poly).

This is how almost everyone does it, likely including your female friends. There is nothing disrespectful about any of this.

bsp77 posted...

Flirting, chatting, first dates are looking for compatibility. There are no promises, there are no commitments. Nothing wrong with casting a wide net.

The only reason I can think for someone to 'cast a wide net" is that you are NOT actually that intersted in whoever you're flirting or chatting with. Because the moment you're intrigued by someone you shouldn't feel the need to see what else is there.

This is how almost everyone does it, likely including your female friends.

They don't. Its what I just said.
I don't know who is "almost everyone" but thats not what I knew before this conversation lol

There is nothing disrespectful about any of this.

No? You are pretty much like telling the other person :
I'm kinda interested in you but not enough that's why I am looking for other options too.

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No. I'm talking about pretty much any sort of romantic approach.

Somehow I doubt you actually know that

I grew up in a largely female family. I have tons of female cousins. Also female friends and coworkers.
I've never once heard the perspectives you are projecting from any of them. Pretty much the opposite. My ex who I just broken up few months ago and with who I was together for 6 yrs also would tell me about a friend of hers and how she found out a guy she liked from work was seeing someone else right after they started "chatting up' and how weird that was.

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Where the fuck did I say anything about marriage? Lmao

Mr_hulk88 posted...

The only reason I can think for someone to 'cast a wide net" is that you are NOT actually that intersted in whoever you're flirting or chatting with. Because the moment you're intrigued by someone you shouldn't feel the need to see what else is there.

They don't. Its what I just said.
I don't know who is "almost everyone" but thats not what I knew before this conversation lol

No? You are pretty much like telling the other person :
I'm kinda interested in you but not enough that's why I am looking for other options too.

I have to ask, but have you dated much? The reason I ask is I just realized I felt a similar way back before I had any experience. That is not an insult btw. I am trying to stay cordial.

Ever since my divorce, I have dated quite a bit. Everytime I decided to make things exclusive with someone after a couple dates (this happened like 5 times), they were shocked I was talking about exclusivity so fast. Now, they all said "yes" but it was unexpected. This is how it works, like it or not.

And I seriously doubt you know how your friends feel about it. Doubt you have discussed it. If you have and phrased it as "dating multiple people" you might have not realized the distinction that I (and likely they) are making.

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.. Yes?
Phrasing it in those terms almost sounds like it was a job or something, where you apply for several so you have more options.
That's an artificial approach to what should be the exact opposite.
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Having many "back up options" won't save you from feeling bummed out at some point.

bsp77 posted...

I have to ask, but have you dated much?

Definitley not as much as you, I kinda go for the quality > quantity. I've had 2 pretty long relationships and maybe "dated" about 3 people in between.

Ever since my divorce, I have dated quite a bit. Everytime I decided to make things exclusive with someone after a couple dates (this happened like 5 times), they were shocked I was talking about exclusivity so fast. Now, they all said "yes" but it was unexpected. This is how it works, like it or not.

Not sure what point you're making with that.

And I seriously doubt you know how your friends feel about it. Doubt you have discussed it.

This is just weird lol. I don't know why you are in such disbelief about it.

If you have and phrased it as "dating multiple people" you might have not realized the distinction that I (and likely they) are making.

No. You're hanging on semantics. Let me be clear: I have never heard anybody say they are fine with dating/seeing/liking/mildly firting with, several people at the same time, just the opposite.

If you're talking about matching and chatting on tinder? Then sure, nothing wrong with doing it with several people because tinder is basically an artificial approach to dating. You're basically looking to find someone you like.

If you're talking about you ALREADY being interested in someone in particular who you know in person (not looking to find someone to be interested in), then why would you even feel the interest in putting more eggs in other baskets? I literally don't get this. Like when I like someone I am persuing THAT, not thinking "but maybe it wont work so I must have back up" lol thats just fucking weird.
If you've been chatting and flirting with someone, basically getting involved, maybe gone out once, yes, i find it weird and creepy to do it with more that one person at a time and so is everyone I know.

Mr_hulk88 posted...

Definitley not as much as you, I kinda go for the quality > quantity. I've had 2 pretty long relationships and maybe "dated" about 3 people in between.

Okay. I didn't know when I wrote that. I generally care about quality > quantity too. It was only for a bit after my divorce (which was a 20 year relationship) that I went a little nuts. That is not who I am, but it was an understandable reaction after my long, borderline emotionally abusive marriage.

Not sure what point you're making with that.

I thought the point was obvious. These women were surprised that I was discussing not seeing other people after only a couple dates. This is the opposite of what you have been saying.

This is just weird lol. I don't know why you are in such disbelief about it.

Because literally no one I know puts all their eggs in one basket before a first date (which is how this argument started) and rarely even after only a first date. Although admittedly I have canceled dates with other people after a great first date before. I can fall pretty fast for people for better or worse. But it isn't a rule.

No. You're hanging on semantics. Let me be clear: I have never heard anybody say they are fine with dating/seeing/liking/mildly firting, with several people at the same time, just the opposite.

Clearly this is at odds with what everyone else here says. And this isn't just CE, as it true of my friends as well. They are all pretty much middle or upper middle class liberals if that means anything.

If you're talking about matching and chatting on tinder? Then sure, nothing wrong with doing it with several people because tinder is basically an artificial approach to dating.

If you're talking about you ALREADY being interested in someone in particular who you know in person, then why would you even feel the interest in putting more eggs in other baskets? I literally don't get this. Like when I like someone I am persuing THAT, not thinking "but maybe it wont work so I must have back up" lol thats just fucking weird.
And if you've been chatting and flirting with someone, getting involved, maybe gone out once, yes, i find it weird and creepy to do it with more that one person at a time and so is everyone I know.

This is the major disconnect I can't fathom. Most people are chatting with multiple people if they are actively trying to date. That phrase is important, as if someone is just sitting around and suddenly they are interested in someone, then sure it would be weird to start suddenly chatting up others as well. But if actively trying to date, then likely you have been chatting with lots of people, which is normal.

Now your mention of Tinder maybe has some credence, but let's just say dating apps in general. People using dating apps are actively trying to date, and you seem to also be agreeing with me if they are using that approach (despite calling it "artificial"). The thing is that the majority of people under a certain age (40 maybe?) have used dating apps at some point, so that is mainstream now. I would also argue it isn't that different than someone who is going out to bars and such and trying to find someone.

Your comment about someone you already know in person is different and if that is your experience, then I see why you feel differently. I had been friends with my now fiance for 3 years prior to dating. After my last relationship ended, we kinda reconnected platonically, but then I asked her over to finish watching Schitt's Creek together (we both were near done), and it ended up turning into a date. I had been chatting with two other women at that point, but I immediately stopped, because it felt disrespectful to my friend / potential girlfriend.

It differs depending on the situation, and I feel you are focused on one type of situation and somewhat discounting others, such as dating apps, as "artificial".

Mr_hulk88 posted...

.. Yes?
Phrasing it in those terms almost sounds like it was a job or something, where you apply for several so you have more options.
That's an artificial approach to what should be the exact opposite.

Well, you should apply that same logic to a dating app. Go to tinder, swipe right, and wait for all chance to end before heading to the next one.

Some people can see a difference between courting and dating. But you do you.

bsp77 posted...

This is the major disconnect I can't fathom. Most people are chatting with multiple people if they are actively trying to date. That phrase is important, as if someone is just sitting around and suddenly they are interested in someone, then sure it would be weird to start suddenly chatting up others as well. But if actively trying to date, then likely you have been chatting with lots of people, which is normal.

Oh.. That was the disconnect then.

I wasn't thinking in terms of actively trying to date. As in, looking to find someone to be interested in.

I was thinking about a situation where you like someone already. (Which is what the situation of the guy I replied to was).
Randomly starting to place eggs in other baskets in that situation is what I disagree with.
He liked someone.
I don't get why he wouldve needed to pursue another someone he felt meh about just because the option was there.

The thing is that the majority of people under a certain age (40 maybe?) have used dating apps at some point, so that is mainstream now. I would also argue it isn't that different than someone who is going out to bars and such and trying to find someone.

Maybe cause I'm 25 and have been in relationships pretty much since my teens I haven't really even been in a situation where I'm actively looking to find someone to be interested in. But I agree that going to bars TO see what you find has the same function as a dating app.
That's just not what I was talking about.

Your comment about someone you already know in person is different and if that is your experience, then I see why you feel differently. I had been friends with my now fiance for 3 years prior to dating. After my last relationship ended, we kinda reconnected platonically, but then I asked her over to finish watching Schitt's Creek together (we both were near done), and it ended up turning into a date. I had been chatting with two other women at that point, but I immediately stopped, because it felt disrespectful to my friend / potential girlfriend.

Oh thats a relief lol, feel less weirded out now then.

Mr_hulk88 posted...

Oh.. That was the disconnect then.

I wasn't thinking in terms of actively trying to date. As in, looking to find someone to be interested in.

I was thinking about a situation where you like someone already. (Which is what the situation of the guy I replied to was).
Randomly starting to place eggs in other baskets in that situation is what I disagree with.
He liked someone.
I don't get why he wouldve needed to pursue another someone he felt meh about just because the option was there.

Maybe cause I'm 25 and have been in relationships pretty much since my teens I haven't really even been in a situation where I'm actively looking to find someone to be interested in. But I agree that going to bars TO see what you find has the same function as a dating app.
That's just not what I was talking about.

Oh thats a relief lol, feel less weirded out now then.

Wow... we actually reached an understanding here.

I am 45 and have been through a lot. Socially clueless teenager (I worried I would NEVER date) to marrying the first person I was with to having 4 daughters to getting divorced to being kind of a man whore to finally finding balance with my life. As a result of all this, I tend to overshare on CE, because I have experienced just about the full gamut of things that a straight dude possibly can in terms of dating.

I never actively tried to date until I was 40, and it was a very different experience vs when I met my ex wife at 19.

BTW, sorry about your 6 year relationship ending a few months ago. May I ask what happened? You doing okay? You ever thought about actively trying to date now? :)

Neither am I... The very few times I've had someone try to "flirt" with me (allegedly, I don't think they ever happened honestly) I was completely oblivious and didn't respond... And then my friends would ask me after "why didn't you flirt back?" And I had no idea what they were talking about...

The one time I do think someone was flirting with me was this girl at a comic book shop who tried to talk to me and I pretended my headphones were one (they were in my ears but paused at the time) and the I quickly bought my stuff and left to avoid her...

random_man9119 posted...

Neither am I... The very few times I've had someone try to "flirt" with me (allegedly, I don't think they ever happened honestly) I was completely oblivious and didn't respond... And then my friends would ask me after "why didn't you flirt back?" And I had no idea what they were talking about...

The one time I do think someone was flirting with me was this girl at a comic book shop who tried to talk to me and I pretended my headphones were one (they were in my ears but paused at the time) and the I quickly bought my stuff and left to avoid her...

The only memory I have of a girl flirting with me was a girl somehow heard me talking to someone about girls not flirting with me, so she started flirting with me and pretending to like me and someone she knew told her to knock it off and that it was "less funny the second time".

I'd also danced with girls at a function and every single one of them asked if there was someone I "wanted to dance with" and one girl left in the middle of a song without saying anything.

bsp77 posted...

to getting divorced to being kind of a man whore

Ok so you admit that. I knew I wasn't imagining things lol

BTW, sorry about your 6 year relationship ending a few months ago. May I ask what happened? You doing okay? You ever thought about actively trying to date now? :)

No I'm not doing that okay and god no, I am not trying to date, let alone actively look for it. Just the thought of it overwhelms me. What happened is nothing concrete, more like things started to go downhill about 3 years ago which is when she began to be frustrated with her career.. There was like a constant resentment that seemed to get worse everytime I tried to be supportive to the point things got way too toxic, lot of fights that were becoming more difficult to move on from each time. It just came to a point where it all seemed damaged and different. And it ended in the midst of planning to move in together (we were both still living with our parents). I ended up renting the place by myself and after a few months I realized how much I want to stay alone