Poll of the Day > Am I wrong in this situation?

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I have a friend and her birthday is coming up. I wasnt too sure what to get her, but she has told me so many times how she wanted to try this one restaurant (Ive been there numerous times) so I said, all right Ill book a reservation for us and that can be your birthday present.

Shes cool with it. We hang out a few times during the week leading up to the day were set to go. The night before were out and about having fun, but shes texting a guy she says she has to tell about our plans so he doesnt find out from someone else which to me makes no sense because who is gonna tell him? Why would anyone tell him even? Anyhow.

So I tease her a bit saying I thought yall werent dating, why you gotta tell him? and she says theyre not and she has no interest (which I know is a lie). I ask her then if she wants to cancel tomorrows plans just let me know now because there is something else I can do as well, I just need the heads up. She assures me were set to go with our plans.

Next morning, Im up getting ready when I get the text hey buddy, I dont feel too good. I ask if everything is all right and ask again, so you wanna call it off today? I still have time to tell my other friends I can go with them.

Again, no no, were going. Im looking forward to it. Okay cool, I continue getting ready. An hour later as Im set to walk out the door to pick her up.Hey buddy, I dont think Im gonna make it.
I say well thats unfortunate, hope you feel better. At this point the other thing I couldve done has passed its time where I couldve went. whatever.

An hour later she is posting on her social media hanging out with the dude she had to tell about our plans. I did petty comment glad youre feeling better which was probably not the right thing to do.

So she ditched our plans at the last second which screwed me out of being able to go do something else. I wouldnt have been as bothered if one, she wouldve just cancelled the night before or even earlier that morning when I specifically asked if we were shutting it down or if she wouldve just said Im sorry at any point in any of her back out messages.

Im not romantically attracted to her in anyway so its not a lover scorned type scenario. I just feel friends should give each other more respect. I was very short with her when she reached out the next day acting like nothing happened and I havent spoken to her since (3 days now). We used to speak every day and hangout a few times a week.

She finally said something to me yesterday. Youre an asshole. Thats what she said. I asked why I was an asshole and she said because you havent talked to me. I asked if she could think why I havent and she said, I dont care why. Youre an asshole for doing it. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, nah Im good over here I have plenty people to give my attention to.

I dont even know wtf that is supposed to mean. Another friend thinks shes interested in me and knows its not mutual so shes acting out because shes mad. I dont know.

Either way, am I wrong for being upset she cancelled with no notice despite being asked multiple times if she wanted to nix the plans to go do something else? Or am I just an asshole whos time isnt important?

Is there a pattern of her acting like this? If so, I'd say it's best to cut her out of your life.

She is, in fact, the a-hole.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/

SoreChasm posted...

Is there a pattern of her acting like this? If so, I'd say it's best to cut her out of your life.

Not necessarily with me, but yeah. Shes also a bit of a narcissist for sure. Shes also left group settings numerous times in the past and when I asked why she left so soon she has straight up said, I wasnt getting enough attention.

Ive been on the fence about just cutting ties completely because of that type of behavior, which if our other friend is correct in that she is upset I dont have feelings for her beyond friendship, is funny because thats the type of behavior that turns me off from her in that regard.

So far, all you have been is a concerned friend.

It is also perfectly normal for anyone, including friends, to happen to not talk to one another for a mere three days.
The complaint "you should have asked/talked first", is a problematic mindset that many do not even realize they have.

God I hate when people do shit like that.

Especially doing something wrong and then trying to make someone else look like the asshole.

You should probably tell her why you're annoyed, rather than trying to be coy about it. You're not wrong to be upset, but if she genuinely doesn't understand why, then you are in the wrong to keep stewing on it instead of telling her.

Now, by the sounds of things, she probably will think you're wrong to be upset, in which case she's being the asshole and you should feel free to respond accordingly.

So I talked to her. She essentially said she did nothing wrong not only cancelling right before we were set to leave, but also that the plans I made were for her birthday so she should be fine to change them whenever she wants.

She also said she felt better about an hour after we were going to leave so its cool that she did something else. Never mind the fact we were leaving to go do other stuff before our reservation so we couldve just as easily still went to the dinner if she felt better an hour later.

She is taking your relationship for granted and it sounds like she does not actually consider it a friendship.

Nichtcrawler-X posted...

She is taking your relationship for granted and it sounds like she does not actually consider it a friendship.

Yeah, Ive decided to distance myself from her going forward. Shes someone I would still consider a friend, but maybe not as good of one as I would have previously. Like I wont go out of my way to blatantly ignore her or be rude, but I wont go out of my way to make time to hang with her anymore either.

Based on your version of events, she has no respect for you as a person while feeling entitled enough to demand respect from you.

My instinctive reaction to this is to tell her to fuck off and get better friends.

But decades of life experience tell me that you'll probably be a doormat, continually make excuses for her behavior and enable her lack of respect because she'll never experience consequences for her actions or be forced to consider that she's ever done anything wrong. Because the standard response to "What should I do guys?" topics on the Internet is usually to ignore all advice and fall back into the same toxic habits.

CellBlock7 posted...

So I talked to her. She essentially said she did nothing wrong not only cancelling right before we were set to leave, but also that the plans I made were for her birthday so she should be fine to change them whenever she wants.

She also said she felt better about an hour after we were going to leave so its cool that she did something else. Never mind the fact we were leaving to go do other stuff before our reservation so we couldve just as easily still went to the dinner if she felt better an hour later.

Translation: She never actually felt sick and she just wanted to make you jealous by hanging out with somebody she knows you think she's interested in. Which backfired on her because it just pissed you off instead of making you jealous, and now she's pissy about that. That's not something you should feel obligated to put up with.

I think she is wrong, not you. She should have said that she wanted to cancel when you asked. It doesn't matter if it was for her birthday or not.

cut the bitch out tbh

You know what the most frustrating part about reading this story is? The fact that if you did that to her, it would be the absolute end of the world.

If her first thought it to tell some dude (that she "isn't" interested in) that she's going out with another guy (friend or not), then that should've told you right there. Girl isn't worth the time. I've had friends like that as well. Key word there,...HAD. Don't waste your time. If she thinks she can get away with it, she will.

adjl posted...

Translation: She never actually felt sick and she just wanted to make you jealous by hanging out with somebody she knows you think she's interested in. Which backfired on her because it just pissed you off instead of making you jealous, and now she's pissy about that. That's not something you should feel obligated to put up with.

Yeah this exactly. I've dealt with people like this before and it's never worth the friendship

She's a manipulator who is pissed because you got smart and stopped taking her shit when she bailed on. You were her back-up plans in case what she really wanted to do, hang out with the other guy, didn't happen. She's wants to keep you around because you are a comfort area for her and she feels like she can rely on you to make her feel fulfilled when she needs attention. She will come back around in a time because she will need her fix and at that time you will need to decide what is best for you. Do you allow yourself to be in that position, do you set boundaries for yourself and your actions, or do you just cut her our entirely. You have to decide. When she comes back around it will probably be under the guise of wither she is sorry that you guys are fighting blah blah blah..., or that she really needs to talk because she needs a friend right now because blah blah blah... She will do one of these things because she is relying on you following the status quo of fulling her need for attention under the guise of being a "good" friend. Again its up to you what you want to do but in the moment it will probably be difficult to recognize you are being manipulated after so long of having it done.

Am I Wrong
https://youtu.be/AXDR6YX801g

CellBlock7 posted...

I did petty comment glad youre feeling better which was probably not the right thing to do.

This was exactly the right thing to do.

fettster777 posted...

This was exactly the right thing to do.

if anything it wasn't nearly sarcastic and mean enough.