Current Events > Lets talk about our depression CE

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MedeaLysistrata posted...

The attacks usually happen when I have to do something important. It really sucks.

Oof that's always the worst :(

Heartomaton posted...

Mine stems from loneliness and failing at my life's ultimate goal.

I would not wish agoraphobia of any degree on anyone.

Mental illness in general can suck it. I have enough trouble fixing the shit I already broke without my brain making it harder.

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Uh, you probably need another avenue.
Most of the time medication only makes you feel better when you shouldn't. It just pushes it aside until the medication wears off, then it's back again.
It's why most are on medication their entire life, or when they get off medication they start doing questionable stuff later: you have to tackle the problem itself, not simply push it away until it comes back :/

LotsOfHorror posted...

Mental illness in general can suck it. I have enough trouble fixing the shit I already broke without my brain making it harder.

These days I'm convinced that mine will eventually be the end of me.

Heartomaton posted...

These days I'm convinced that mine will eventually be the end of me.

So am I. But it won't, I'll be strong and so will you, we've got this.

I've actually spent most of my life expecting myself to try and fail my way to my 40s then give up, now I'm in my late 30s and quickly approaching that point, except now I'm married happily, and I don't have that option because it would kill her, but I'm still not fixed or whole and it's a totally different kind of panic and feeling of failure.

The moments when my depression brings in the idea that I should regret getting married because now I can't kill myself are the worst. I'm not suicidal now, but I've never had a single regret about her and it feels like it gives a whole new avenue for the depression to attack me.

But on the other hand I've got a whole new kind of support to fight it, and it helps big time.

You've got this. I don't.

Heartomaton posted...

You've got this. I don't.

You do, because there's no other option. You don't have to believe it'll get better, you just have to give it the chance to. All you have to do is move forward, no matter how much, and if all that means for today is not giving up, then that's still a victory.

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That's exactly what it is. Life before Death.

LotsOfHorror posted...

You do, because there's no other option. You don't have to believe it'll get better, you just have to give it the chance to. All you have to do is move forward, no matter how much, and if all that means for today is not giving up, then that's still a victory.

You're more optimistic than I will ever be.

I'm irreparable.

Heartomaton posted...

You're more optimistic than I will ever be.

I'm irreparable.

Nah nobody is. Change is inevitable.

I wish i had something meaningful to add gang. I wish no one ever got like this. so grim.

I dont know if Id say Im depressed per se but I havent been happy. My daughter is the only thing that gives me incredible joy so Im grateful to have her. But overall not happy with a lot of things in my life.

Heartomaton posted...

Mine stems from loneliness and failing at my life's ultimate goal.

Same. I don't think I was ready for the feeling of all my peers disappearing and having to 'get along' with assholes who don't give a fuck about you. And on top of that, absolutely 0 people checking up on you, unless you're on Facebook, then they only remember you exist because the algorithm is recommending them months old posts they didn't see the first time.

Then they want you to come out an hour drive to "have a drink". Like, you know what? Maybe I don't want to go through all the trouble to "catch up" and tell them my life has gone absolutely nowhere in over 10 years at a place I'm not familiar with BY MYSELF to assuage some lingering curiosity and maybe pity of someone who was neeever a good friend of mine. But then they think you're the asshole and you're being selfish or something, but they just have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how you feel. They've had more good friends than you've ever had this whole time, football buddies they hear from often, and a second place from home they belong. You can't relate.

Dragon posted...

I dont remember the last time I wasnt depressed.

Losing pets is tough but it does get easier. For me I started to heal two years after my cat died. I got him in 2001 and he died in 2012. I still think about and miss him every day. I actually had a dream about him a few nights ago which was nice. What also really helps is getting their ashes. It feels like a part of their spirit is still around.

i saw a thing on Facebook that said something to the effect of grief doesnt get smaller, we grow around it and it is really been ringing true. I cant ever see a day where I wont miss those I loved (pets or otherwise) but eventually it gets a little less pervasive. I just got back her ashes yesterday and was comparing it to the box I got for my other pet in August, I have kind of had it out of view and Im not entirely sure my intentions of what to do with them now but I definitely felt like Id rather have them and not know, vs not have them and then have no options if I thought of something later.

LotsOfHorror posted...

Nah nobody is. Change is inevitable.

I am. The only changes I'll ever see are for the worse.

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it really is a balancing act, because people want to call so much mental health stuff attention seeking and it discourages people from talking about it, which in turn further stigmatizes it, and leads to us keeping it in, which leads to worse episodes. It really sucks. I do get it though.

thank you for that, honestly my biggest comfort in a way is knowing I truly did everything I could for both. I know it will all take time, but its an adjustment for sure

Heartomaton posted...

I am. The only changes I'll ever see are for the worse.

Maybe. Doubtful, but maybe. Nothing is ever set in stone.

I think it's really easy to tunnel vision yourself into bad thoughts like that despite nothing outwardly catastrophic happening to you. Mostly as a consequence of comparing your life to others as they are now.

Really though for me it's just feeling left behind and the feeling that nobody but my immediate family really cares. There are a lot of times though I wish I could get away from them and just see them on Saturdays or something, with my own home and my own second place with people who are happy to see me, and friends who want to see me. But that's feels like a pipe dream. Life long Friends already feel like fantasy anyway.

And there's no love from many strangers or even old peers. "Man Up" culture is brutal and antagonizing, shutting off your emotions isn't a real solution because it just comes out in other ways. Having ADHD makes this all worse, my nerves more easily worked up and worn. The Pandemic made me nearly agoraphobic. I don't like strangers. I never know when someone is going try to take advantage of me, make assumptions of me and hate me, or try to get me to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I had a friend that never did any of these things and had his own problems with his self-worth image and he ended up overdosing.

But what really works me up is if I posted something like this to Facebook, I get a reminder of how much more powerful pity is for the more likable, more popular people. After about 5 "chin up" comments and 2 "Yeah, me too kinda" I realize pity and empathy is a salve for people who've had something and lost it, not people who've hardly ever had anything. People are more likely to sympathize with sorrow are more likely to care if they felt like they knew you and are sad to see you low instead of peer level strangers from that one class or that kid I saw in the hall way, which only elicits a "Yeah, that's rough".

Such heavy anxiety today I can literally feel it in my chest, god I hate this

I heard Wellbutrin makes your libido go through the roof and that honestly isn't something I need.

wanderingshade posted...

I heard Wellbutrin makes your libido go through the roof and that honestly isn't something I need.

Uhh it does the exact opposite for me

inloveanddeath0 posted...

Uhh it does the exact opposite for me

I mean, it seems to be one of those "either/or" things.

I saw at least 3 different people on Reddit just this last week talk about Wellbutrin increasing their/SO's libido, which improved their relationship. But I guess it can have the opposite effect too.

Quite a few here dealing with depression...I am truly sorry. It's a horrible and awful thing.

** Are there any games in particular that help ease the effects? **

I've had it a few times and nothing brought me joy...just slowly came out of it

I'm on a bunch of medication and feel numb more than I feel normal tbh

Can we not

wanderingshade posted...

I heard Wellbutrin makes your libido go through the roof and that honestly isn't something I need.

That's something I need o.o

I noticed recently that I am coming out of my deep, deep depression. I no longer wake up disappointed that I woke up. I know longer go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I no longer see overpass supports on the freeway and wonder how fast I need to hit it to make sure I die.

I'm not happy but I'm getting back to that point. I'll get there. I've done it before. I can do it again.

TentacleDemon posted...

I noticed recently that I am coming out of my deep, deep depression. I no longer wake up disappointed that I woke up. I know longer go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I no longer see overpass supports on the freeway and wonder how fast I need to hit it to make sure I die.

I'm not happy but I'm getting back to that point. I'll get there. I've done it before. I can do it again.

"You will be warm again"

Up

Ugh, why am I no good?

KogaSteelfang posted...

Ugh, why am I no good?

You're amazing <3

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How you doing today?

Id rather not talk about my depression, if its all right with you.

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Man I'm so sorry :( I fucking hate when everything just seems so targeted

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It always gets better, it's just a matter of when. No matter how cold the night gets, the sun will rise, and you will be warm again.

Let me know if you need to talk man, I'm here for you <3