Current Events > Why do people dislike talking about kids/marriage on a first date?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I would never even go on a first date before disclosing that I never want kids. I need to put that out there to make sure we're on the same page and if we aren't, that's that. Kids = dealbreaker. If someone wants them and won't budge on that, game over man.

A few of them won't let you filter search results by who wants children and who doesn't unless you pay, which is bullshit and makes my broke ass salty.

Beyond just the aspect of it feeling "rushed", you're also conveying a sense of urgency that to most people would be off putting. Like I understand that you don't want to spend two years with someone and then find out they don't have the same goals as you. But bringing it up on the first date feels more like "If I even went out to drinks with someone who didn't want to have kids, I'd be wasting time I could spend finding someone to raise kids with me". Which...even if the other person genuinely had that as a life goal, it's a little off putting.

There's also an aspect of this that is gendered. From a woman's perspective, hearing a person who doesn't have to actually put their body through pregnancy tell you about how much he's looking to make miniature versions of himself turns it from a "I'm looking for the right person to start a family with" to "I'm looking for anyone to start a family with". Not even saying that's what you believe or anything, but you understand how that might come off to someone who is meeting you for the first time.

NoxObscuras posted...

But why is it so important that you need to discuss on date #1? You're trying to cover every single thing on your very first date? You're not going to be able to figure out if you want to spend your whole life with this person after meeting them for an hour. So why not save some of that for dates 2 or 3?

Well eventually get to everything But Ill like to know Im not wasting my time with someone who wants very different things I dont
Want marriage or children And Im only in for a monogamous relationship. And Im a top So, certain like those are deal-breakers If they want marriage or children, or open/poly relationships, or are also a top who doesnt bottom, we wont work together Why waste time going on multiple dates when we could just find out sooner that we arent compatible

PlantBased posted...

Yes. In what instance is it not?

I probably wouldnt consider it heavy talk unless its like a talk between two people about having kids with each other

CanuckCowboy posted...

This topic is... I had a lady bring it up first date once when I was like 33 and she was 38 and it was also the last date.

That is obviously not a first date topic for obvious reasons.

For you, its not. For me, it is Im not in the habit of wasting time Plus, I dont want to fall for them, and have to dump them because we want very different lifestyles

t5yvxc posted...

Because I don't even know you yet, and frankly it should be concerning you dont even know me. It's our first date, slow the fuck down. Way too soon to be asking about having my children and getting married.

But what if they arent asking about having your children? What if they just ask about you having children in the future? Like asking about life goals

Conflict posted...

First dates are for getting a feel of the other person, you're nowhere near that point where you're mapping out the rest of your life with them

I dont think just asking is mapping out the rest of your life Its just making sure you are even looking for the same type of relationship on the first place

Conflict posted...

As for "I don't want to waste my time", how do you define "wasted time"?

Cause to me, seeing if you'd even be a good match before asking the hard-hitting questions about your future with the person doesn't seem like a waste of time to me.

It depends If I dont ask the hard hitting question, what do I ask? The hard-hitting questions are what tell me if were compatible Talking about hobbies or pop-culture doesnt really tell me anything about if were compatible Sure, it great to know those things And well talk about them, too But I also dont want to go on multiple dates only to find out they want something completely different That feels like wasted time to me I could have been looking for someone more compatible

LinkPizza posted...

But what if they arent asking about having your children? What if they just ask about you having children in the future? Like asking about life goals

You're splitting hairs.

We are on a first date. So to pretend it's not asking about having my kids is disingenuous. She wants to know am I open to having kids and getting married with her.

I don't support the idea of asking such a question on a first date, but if you do, definitely own it. I dont support the question, but I can possibly get over being asked do I want kids and marriage depending on how the date goes. But the splitting hairs thing would be an immediate deal breaker for me.

It tells me the future of any kind of relationship with this woman will be games. Just own your question.

t5yvxc posted...

You're splitting hairs.

We are on a first date. So to pretend it's not asking about having my kids is disingenuous. She wants to know am I open to having kids and getting married with her.

I don't support the idea of asking such a question on a first date, but if you do, definitely own it. I dont support the question, but I can possibly get over being asked do I want kids and marriage depending on how the date goes. But the splitting hairs thing would be an immediate deal breaker for me.

It tells me the future of any kind of relationship with this woman will be games. Just own your question.

Personally, I dont see it as splitting hairs. The reason is because it depends on the type of dating. For example, theres casual dating, as well Which means you can typically still go on dates, but it may not go to far into certain types of relationships Doesnt mean it cant But by knowing how they feel on certain issues, it can help you to decide on where you want to proceed with the relationship

For me, Id rather know early. Doesnt mean we cant do something casual. But Im not looking for marriage or children So, Id rather not invest a lot into a relationship and end up liking someone, only to have to break up so we can both find someone who wants the same things in life we do

People tend to propose quickly