Current Events > Dating apps are trash

(+) Yeah! (+)

Glob posted...

Yes.

I really hate alcohol so bars aren't the place for me. Not that I really want to find a relationship at this point but I wouldn't even know where to look.

Stop using apps. Go back to the days where if you like someone then have your friend tell her you like her and go from there.

Man these topics always turn into such downers. Dating apps aren't all doom and gloom.

Yes, there are more men than women on dating apps, but there are ways to make yourself stand out. As others have said, put effort into your profile pictures (don't have only selfies) and have a bio that actually tells women about yourself without any negativity (seriously remove any negative statements, it's a turn off for most).

I might have an advantage because I'm 5'11, but I also have a 7 year old kid, which definitely makes me an instant no for a lot of women. I still was able to get plenty of matches and dates.

The key is to use multiple apps (Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Facebook Dating, etc) and to only swipe on women that you're actually interested in. It will take a while to get matches and yes, some of those matches won't respond, but if you don't let yourself get discouraged, you will get some dates.

So last year, I went on a total of 21 dates with 8 different women and the last one is now my girlfriend. But I also had 30+ women that either didn't respond at all, or wouldn't keep the conversation going. So don't think that guys that succeeded had nothing but success. There's plenty of failure in there too. So don't get discouraged guys.

NoxObscuras posted...

put effort into your profile pictures (don't have only selfies)

Kind of hard to do when you don't have any friends to take pictures of you

The key is to use multiple apps (Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Facebook Dating, etc) and to only swipe on women that you're actually interested in. It will take a while to get matches and yes, some of those matches won't respond, but if you don't let yourself get discouraged, you will get some dates.

The only platform I had any remote success on was Tinder but even then my matches were either extremely unattractive and/or had terrible attitudes. I can't imagine having any success on something like Bumble considering how picky people on it are. It's pointless to only swipe on people who interest you when you're essentially not allowed or expected to have standards, especially in a position like mine.

CRON posted...

Kind of hard to do when you don't have any friends to take pictures of you

The only platform I had any remote success on was Tinder but even then my matches were either extremely unattractive and/or had terrible attitudes. I can't imagine having any success on something like Bumble considering how picky people on it are. It's pointless to only swipe on people who interest you when you're essentially not allowed or expected to have standards, especially in a position like mine.

Yeah I kind of glossed through the topic before posting. The thing holding you back is anxiety right? Are you able to afford therapy? Or maybe even just getting help on managing triggers? There has to be ways to mitigate it.

I think it's worth considering alternatives; these apps don't exist in a vacuum.

Yeah, I found myself discouraged at times on Hinge or the other apps, but I also know that they allowed me to have ten times the success that I would've found trying to meet women in person, or flirting with strangers at a bar. For my anxiety, the relative clarity of purpose on a dating app cleared away a lot of the inhibitions I'd feel approaching someone in person.

NoxObscuras posted...

Yeah I kind of glossed through the topic before posting. The thing holding you back is anxiety right? Are you able to afford therapy? Or maybe even just getting help on managing triggers? There has to be ways to mitigate it.

It's more complicated than just anxiety. I've lived a less than ideal life. Terrible family life, bullying in school, bullying in the workplace, being in abusive relationships. I want to become a "normal" person who has a social life and is seen as "normal" but it's impossible as I've only had terrible experiences with human interaction. My past two relationships have completely destroyed my confidence and have destroyed the idea of intimacy/sex to the point where I get very uncomfortable with things like sexual flirting. I can't even enjoy the idea of sex at this point, let alone a fulfilling relationship. I've never been in a situation where I felt like my presence, conversation and kindness were ever wanted.

Living this awful life conditioned me to be a bit of a people-pleaser and the only silver lining is that because I'm such a pathetic worm, I've learned how to be social, charming, funny, etc. and at the risk of sounding egotistical I don't have any issues in that regard. When I used Tinder I would get some horrible comments from all directions. When I was last on it, I was called worthless because I "still" worked retail. I'm also getting very old, very quick (I'm turning 30 soon) and it's a given that I'm expected to have my shit together. I know my strengths and I can work with them, but because I'm for all intents and purposes "crazy" and broke, I'm worthless as far as dating goes.

I can't afford therapy though I've tried it multiple times in the past. It didn't help. I've been put on every class of medication and nothing has helped. I have a ton of health concerns that I can't have treated because I don't have insurance, I don't qualify for state aid despite being broke as hell, and if I were to somehow get something like SSDI for my issues, it'll make me even less desirable and people will perceive me as even less.

I'm aware that I'm not allowed to be choosy at this point but it's very discouraging knowing that the dating pool gets worse as time goes on.

Conflict posted...

Brother you're literally spouting falsehoods based on articles you read and not actual experience, and you need to stop. Because someone will end up reading it and feel demotivated based on something that likely won't even happen.

The arguments can easily be countered by personal anecdotes. For example Antifar mentioned finding success on Hinge as an average height dude in the city. That's encouraging.

But it needs to be real experiences. Not just "I don't think it's that bad" based on nothing. Statistical trends beat thoughts.

Glob posted...

I did put my profession on there but that wouldnt be a giveaway. Here, if you say youre a teacher and youre western, people just assume youre doing TEFL which doesnt pay anywhere near as well.

Oh wait, you're not in the West?

That explains it even more. It's actually a big thing how Western guys can get tons of matches when they go elsewhere. Even regular guys get a lot of attention in that scenario. >_>

I'm only 5'9 by the way. I've seen some profiles (honestly, not that many) that say "6'0 and up only" but I'd just swipe left and keep going. I don't think my height ever hindered me in any real way.

Any dating app you don't actually have to pay to use is going to be incredibly superficial

Stop trying to find love on Tinder and Bumble. Apps like Feeld and Hinge tend to demand more in depth profiles and as such, garner more diverse crowds

BeantownHero posted...

Stop trying to find love on Tinder and Bumble. Apps like Feeld and Hinge tend to demand more in depth profiles and as such, garner more diverse crowds

This might have something to do with me living near a major city but the only accessible dating apps for people with low value are things like Tinder. Bumble and Hinge from my experience are full of people with expectations I'll never meet.

CRON posted...

When I was last on it, I was called worthless because I "still" worked retail. I'm also getting very old, very quick (I'm turning 30 soon) and it's a given that I'm expected to have my shit together. I know my strengths and I can work with them, but because I'm for all intents and purposes "crazy" and broke, I'm worthless as far as dating goes.

Damn I'm sorry you went through all of that in your life. You've really had a rough time of it.

But whoever called you worthless was a materialistic asshole. Not everyone will treat you that way, but I understand how it might be hard to see things that way given your experiences. And as someone who's almost 34 myself, I think dating in your 30's and 40's is actually better. Many (not all) people have grown out of their immaturity by that point and are more willing to work with a few flaws.

CRON posted...

This might have something to do with me living near a major city but the only accessible dating apps for people with low value are things like Tinder. Bumble and Hinge from my experience are full of people with expectations I'll never meet.

You gotta drop the notion of high and low-value people. That's the same kind of bullshit peddled by red-pilled douchebags with superiority complexes, and it's nonsense.

I have heard that it became more difficult to use. For example, everyone seems jaded and there are people who are only there to promote their online striptease shows. I have seen pictures (from men and women) where they have unrealistic expectations and most people I know have said that the process is basically like a job interview now.

But this is just what Ive heard from others. I usually date from meeting people through friends because its more convenient and its not a blind date. You also have friends who can vouch for the person.

Heartomaton posted...

You gotta drop the notion of high and low-value people. That's the same kind of bullshit peddled by red-pilled douchebags with superiority complexes, and it's nonsense.

He's not using the term in a red pill context, Tinder definitely isn't for people with low sexual value.

He's probably referring to value in terms of life achievements and whatnot. Less hookup-focused apps carry a higher expectation that you have your shit together as an adult.

Glob is spot on. I know it is harder for some than others, but everyone has things they can do to improve their chances. The photos, the write up, the apps used... it is not a lottery.

Everyone I know has had at least some success with dating apps.

My one caveat is that if you live in the middle of nowhere then there may not be much that can be done.

Heartomaton posted...

You gotta drop the notion of high and low-value people. That's the same kind of bullshit peddled by red-pilled douchebags with superiority complexes, and it's nonsense.

I certainly wouldn't want to be associated with red-pilled morons but I can't really articulate it any other way. It's nothing I harbor any resentment over but it's becoming clear that my financial situation and having my emotional issues gives me less value in the world of dating and relationships. Because of sexual trauma I can't even enjoy sex or intimacy, so it's not like I'd be of any benefit on a pure physical level.

There's been a handful of situations where I've gotten along with people and there was some mutual interest, but I knew that a relationship wouldn't work out because of my laundry list of issues and it made no sense to even flirt. Sooner or later they're going to find out I'm broke. Sooner or later they're going find out I'm anxious and have panic attacks. Sooner or later they're going to find out I have an aversion to sex. It's just not worth it. Nobody's capable of being understanding, kind and patient; not that it's their obligation.

FL81 posted...

dating apps exist for the sole purpose of harvesting your data to sell to marketing firms

Lol your data, like you were going to do anything with it anyways.

I find dating apps are only as good as where you live.

When Im in BC Tinder is completely useless and just takes up space on my phone.

When Im in Arizona, Tinder is fun again.

Grass is always greener. Or in this case, sand is browner or whatever.

Jupiter posted...

I'm only 5'9 by the way. I've seen some profiles (honestly, not that many) that say "6'0 and up only" but I'd just swipe left and keep going. I don't think my height ever hindered me in any real way.

I'm the same height and have had the same experience. I've never had an issue finding attractive women who would date me.

Some women do have a height preference but oh well. There's so many women that you don't need to dwell on those. In fact, that's one of the biggest issue single people have: Focusing on who doesn't want you or who you don't want.

Hoodroar posted...

He's not using the term in a red pill context, Tinder definitely isn't for people with low sexual value.

He's probably referring to value in terms of life achievements and whatnot. Less hookup-focused apps carry a higher expectation that you have your shit together as an adult.

Cool. Still mostly crap. All this value stuff, red-pilled or not, is subjective as all hell. For every person that sees you as "low-value" because you don't have much and/or haven't done much, there's another person who doesn't. You just have to keep plugging away at your chosen method of talking to [insert what type of person you're into] until you find that person, be it online or off. It sucks, and is mentally painful and exhausting, but you can take breaks. The important thing is to never give up.

CRON posted...

I certainly wouldn't want to be associated with red-pilled morons but I can't really articulate it any other way. It's nothing I harbor any resentment over but it's becoming clear that my financial situation and having my emotional issues gives me less value in the world of dating and relationships. Because of sexual trauma I can't even enjoy sex or intimacy, so it's not like I'd be of any benefit on a pure physical level.

There's been a handful of situations where I've gotten along with people and there was some mutual interest, but I knew that a relationship wouldn't work out because of my laundry list of issues and it made no sense to even flirt. Sooner or later they're going to find out I'm broke. Sooner or later they're going find out I'm anxious and have panic attacks. Sooner or later they're going to find out I have an aversion to sex. It's just not worth it. Nobody's capable of being understanding, kind and patient; not that it's their obligation.

Second verse, same as the first. Don't give up. Do what you can, whether it's a little or a lot, to work on your issues. You can do it alongside looking for companionship or beforehand, doesn't matter. I've got my own unique cocktail of problems too, some fixable and some not, but I'm doing what I can. Admittedly, it ain't a lot and progress is slow, but it's happening. I can't claim to have definitive solutions for your problems as I'm no professional, but just like I told that GrandConjuraton lady, you are not a lost cause until you actually die. Until then, there's always going to be something you can do, you just have to find it.

Personally I'd suggest looking and seeing if where you live has a mental health resources center. Here, it's called MHMR, but I'm not sure if it's called that everywhere. I have no money to pay for therapy, but through them, I'm at least getting some small amount of help for free.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's not going to suck ass. It totally is. It's gonna be tantamount to actual psychological torture, but you gotta keep at it.

Gladius_ posted...

If anything it's helping you dodge a bullet. My husband is 5'7 and is amazing <3 people who only value criteria like wealth or height? Are needlessly limiting themselves. Their loss.

To be fair some women with the filter have said they're fine with dating short guys they meet in real life, but that they just plain needed to lower the amount of men spamming them on the apps and used the filters achieve that.

I highly doubt dating apps would work for a bi-romantic, demon-loving transgender girl like myself.

Heartomaton posted...

For every person that sees you as "low-value" because you don't have much and/or haven't done much, there's another person who doesn't. You just have to keep plugging away at your chosen method of talking to [insert what type of person you're into] until you find that person, be it online or off.

I've never had the privilege of having a "type" and even now I don't know what my type would be. I'm terrified to find out because in my mind, I'm viewing it as a matter of "what the fuck is wrong with this person to where they find me attractive and want to be around me?". I don't like drinking and find most social events exhausting and uncomfortable so it's not like I'm gonna find someone at a bar or concert or whatever it is normal people do for fun.

Personally I'd suggest looking and seeing if where you live has a mental health resources center. Here, it's called MHMR, but I'm not sure if it's called that everywhere. I have no money to pay for therapy, but through them, I'm at least getting some small amount of help for free.

I've tried many times in the past. In my area the quality of sliding-scale therapy is really, really bad. When I could afford therapy, the consensus between them all was that I'm difficult to treat because I have an unorthodox degree of self awareness regarding my issues, which I can't use to my advantage to try to get better. I've tried countless medications and I've bought a few books related to my issues but nothing has helped. I feel like I'm being held back by this irrational fear that I'm constantly being judged, looked down on and made fun of. It's all I know. It sounds like hyperbole but I've legitimately never had any kind of relationship with nice, understanding people.

I really feel as if I could do anything if my mind wasn't plagued with constant anxiety and fear. But then I think about what I would be like if I wasn't so anxious and scared all the time. I'd probably be just as miserable. For some reason I've just never come across anybody that was kind or understanding. My ex was extremely progressive and an outspoken supporter of men being open about their emotional struggles yet I'd literally be told "shut the fuck up and just be a man" constantly.

DementedDurian posted...

I highly doubt dating apps would work for a bi-romantic, demon-loving transgender girl like myself.

Actually, it does work for people like you

CRON posted...

I don't know what else I can tell you, because like I said, I'm no professional. The only point I'm trying to make is that you have to keep going.

But when I say "keep going" I'm not saying to do it as a man, but to do it as a human being. That's what we humans do. Our perseverance in the face of overwhelmingly terrible shit both great and small is part of what makes us who we are.

Yeah, my wife says theres some good ones out there

bsp77 posted...

Actually, it does work for people like you

Because I'm pretty...unique?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Where do you get these statistics because literally everyone hates dating apps, despite their gender. Sounds like something someone was paid to promote.

deoxxys posted...

Where do you get these statistics because literally everyone hates dating apps, despite their gender. Sounds like something someone was paid to promote.

I dont hate dating apps. I know other people who dont.

The thing is, people who have success on dating apps dont tend to dwell on it and tell everybody about it for a prolonged period of time. People who have bad experiences (with dating apps or anything else) tend to be more vocal.

Glob posted...

I dont hate dating apps. I know other people who dont.

The thing is, people who have success on dating apps dont tend to dwell on it and tell everybody about it for a prolonged period of time. People who have bad experiences (with dating apps or anything else) tend to be more vocal.

That's pretty much how bad news versus good news works on everything.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

You're literally wrong on this. Men and women don't have many things in common. What increases the likelyhood of a man having a partner is a stable life & job. Which means... having a ton of money

Dont equate lack of commonality in hobbies with "uninteresting". Many women are boring too. Newsflash: most people aren't interesting

Or have other things holding them back or in addition to that. Incel beliefs, conservative viewpoints, misogynist views, or hold onto "traditional values." These aren't popular among most modern women either.

Traditonal values? lol. You do realize most women want a man taller than them, right"

A man being seen as a "stronger/protector" is a traditional value..

Crow0000 posted...

You're literally wrong on this. Men and women don't have many things in common. What increases the likelyhood of a man having a partner is a stable life & job. Which means... having a ton of money

Dont equate lack of commonality in hobbies with "uninteresting". Many women are boring too. Newsflash: most people aren't interesting

I think having a wide variety of hobbies or interesting past experiences definitely helps, especially once you actually get to the point of going on a date. Ive gone on few with beautiful women who had literally nothing interesting to say and I got out of there at the earliest opportunity.

Women having nothing interesting to say is a lack of social cues on them. As an adult, you play the game and act interested in who you're talking to. It's no different from a customer service rep talking to a customer, or your waiter serving you. Or acting completely interested in an interview about a job you're trying to get.

I can still have a long conversation with someone I have nothing in common with because as an adult, being able to talk and have conversations is a need . Men dont get the privilege of being shy as an adult

Crow0000 posted...

Women having nothing interesting to say is a lack of social cues on them. As an adult, you play the game and act interested in who you're talking to. It's no different from a customer service rep talking to a customer, or your waiter serving you. Or acting completely interested in an interview about a job you're trying to get.

I can still have a long conversation with someone I have nothing in common with because as an adult, being able to talk and have conversations is a need . Men dont get the privilege of being shy as an adult

Yeah, I dont disagree with any of that. I just have no interest in somebody who cant hold a conversation properly and feel that the varied hobbies or an interesting life add to peoples ability to do that.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Men struggle to find "love" because most women other than your mother/sister/family members aren't going to love you. A man loving a woman isn't the same thing as a woman loving a man. The man needs to have tons of prerequisits to be considered and if something happens to the man, then she'll leave him.

As a man, most of society doesn't care about men and what they think . Furthermore, women have tons of options and they go for the best man possible.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

You're under the assumption that a guy & girl needs to have a shit ton of things in common to have sex or get a GF.

This is further from the truth. In fact I've seen women for several months who I had 0 in common with. Men and women aren't the same and attraction isn't symmetrical. Meaning, the same things a man looks for in a woman aren't the same things a woman looks for in a man

Crow0000 posted...

Men struggle to find "love" because most women other than your mother/sister/family members aren't going to love you. A man loving a woman isn't the same thing as a woman loving a man. The man needs to have tons of prerequisits to be considered and if something happens to the man, then she'll leave him.

As a man, most of society doesn't care about men and what they think . Furthermore, women have tons of options and they go for the best man possible.

When I was in my mid 20s and broke and could barely afford my apartment, I had absolute no problems getting dates. I didn't lie about who I was or pretend to have money either. A lot of the dates I backed away from after a while because there weren't enough similar interests. And I have gone on dates who did share similar interests. I've even went on a couple dates with an extremely cute girl who was a bigger gamer than me.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yea, I was gonna say from his first posts that he sounds like some super conservative koolaid or something. His views are terribly wrong or outdated.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yep. Full of shit.